Well it's raining jobs hallujah. Well my old job has two jobs I can go for.

So now I'm worrying about so many things it's not even funny, it's strange how one day you feel like nothing will every go right for you again, the next you have so many possiblities and dreams that might come true so quickly.

My time here is being spent worrying, working and worrying again. I still have my cold and I think it's due to air conditioning ... it just won't go away. I lost my voice today and it's comeing back again in weriod squeaks and then lows. Like I'm in boy changing into a man.

So anyway, I've been eating a lot of candy cause my parents and sister sent me enough candy to open a mini mall. Naturally I've used my supplies as "dinners" when I can't stomach the food, I know that's bad...but oh fucking well. I hate food anymore, there is nothing I Like, it's bad.

Real bad. Like I skip meals and just eat a handful of green beans and call it lunch.

Well my connection hasn't emailed yet and I don't particuarly feel like spending all night looking for his email when I'm sure he'll probably forget anyhow. I dunno, since when did my life get so complicated?

Also the Housekeeper man is really bothering me, like a dog in heat. It's like go away, I'm trying to stay away from him and when he has to come by the office to pick up stuff, I try to get out of there, I don't answer the phone etc. He leaves in April sometime, that day can't come quick enough. I know he's lonely, but It's hard when you have someone's hands groping at you and you can barely understand them and dont' want to hurt feelings. Kind of like 40 year old.

Don't want to hurt feelings and I feel so emotionally unavailable. Like hoping they will get the hint. At the same time I realize I'm afraid of men and dating. I must get over that.

It's hard, but I don't know, I think if I was attracted to them it'd be different....

But picky me always feels like he's just using me or cheating or not interested. Like this movie I watched where this girl was the same way, the mother said you have to at least try it and have fun at it and in the end, the hurt will be worth it just for those fun moments.

I don't know if I fully agree, but I think, I just need to experience that type of thing. I plan to fully campaign my singleness into a relationship of some type as well as continue to lose weight and raise self esteem.

Strange isn't it, I come here and realize, maybe I'm not that bad, suddenly feel perhaps I am marketable, something worthy of this thing called a relationship, more than friendships...

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pet ramps