I can't believe how I never get sick when I'm working on land, but on this boat I'm always sniffling or coughing due to yet another cold.

Yesterday I felt great, I got off the boat, when to Walmart, bought an outfit (unheard of in my prior days - cheap clothing - but desperate times call for drastic measures.)

I got back to the ship to find my pager vibrating clear off the table. Naturally all hell broke loose - though none of my doing this time.

So I ran around clearly for an hour trying to get things ready, help people, etc.

Exasperated, I thought to myself, "Fuck this I'm going to go check my email." So on my way up to the Internet cafe on Deck 5, I'm walking down the guest hallway and see this larger lady drop three huge bags in disgust and snivel out "I'm lost." So I offered to help and realized that she is on the wrong side of the ship...so I pick up her bags and walk her to her room on the other side of the boat.

Then she gives me a tip! I wanted to laugh, and I told her no thank you, but she insisted. I kind of felt weriod and hoped she didn't think I helped her merely for money. I didn't really, she just looked so lost and tired....

Anyway, I noticed I walk faster now and can climb stairs like nobody's business. Although this week it's harder since my cold is in my chest and I wheeze as if I have ashma, which sucks. So I'm trying to stay away from the medical center, but if I don't get better soon, I'll have to make a trip there, ug.

Anyway, the Philo-housekeeping-mgr called me and talked to me at work. I don't know what he wants, I told my roomie I think he wants a friendship with benefits. But I can't see myself giving those benefits, not to him, not him. No. Granted he's nice and leaving in April, I just... can't for some reason. Nothing personal to his or his nation, but I just ....

Anyway, another current worry is the impending vacation and job hunt. My parents are coming to cruise on April 24th, leaving for 2 weeks, then coming back with my sister (who is flying in, my parents are driving down) and they are going to pick me up and we're all going to go vacation.

But I wonder, worry about my job situation after I'm done here. I don't want to come back and yet I feel stuck, two months is a short amount of time to find a job, especially today. I wonder if I wouldnt' be better off going to work in lower Indiana or Illinois. I can always go back to my old job at the paper, but that's a step down now.

Unless they want to give me Special Sec. Editor, perhaps they will or perhaps they won't, as that would involve a pay hike.

So who knows, I feel like my life before was more normal and now I'm spiraling and lashing out everywhere, like I just can't find a place I want to go to now.

It's strange, and then I realize of all these recent men in my life, and how all of them seem to try so hard for my affections and I'm a cold fish. I don't know what's wrong with me, and feel afraid to actually think about it.

Perhaps I'm just to picky, I think you must have college, a job, money. And now, 40-yr-old has this and he emails me and tries to call and sends me care packages.

And me, I feel nothing for him. As for housekeeper, as the others. I don't know what I'm looking for. I like the feeling that they find me as something special than the rest, and then I get to thinking about their motives, and that is wrong.

So I'm a basketcase and with each new job and move I always feel I'll change and move myself around and be open to new relationships, but I'm good at excuses and so fast to move on without giving things a chance, always looking for the next best thing, that maybe one day, I'll pass up what's best for me.

I just don't know who to give a chance to anymore or what to do anymore.

I wish sometimes someone could just tell me what to do and what choices to make, then I could do what they say and when I fail I could blame them and when I succeed I could feel good about it.

But who knows anymore, I sometimes wish I had the guts to talk to a shrink, but then I realize that I probably wouldn't talk to them and need to figure this stuff out on my own.

I got a new job, what I asked for and prayed for and now I can have a relationship, what I asked for and prayed for...and I find that I'm still fucked up somehow.

So anyway, what's next I ask myself. I do know, my roomie is a size 14/16 and I swear it's the perfect size, I want to be that size one day, I always think about that now. Maybe that is what is next....

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pet ramps