I still am not over paying $20 for a Gold membership and never using any of the options I get with it cause I'm on a fucking ship with a God damn limit to my internet usage.

I'm not angry about that, really I'm not.

Anyway, thought a short, quickie was in order as I have some free time (but not to company as I'm on the clock hehehhe) ... er.

Well things are the same. I have 2 months left (on the 15th I do) and my parents are coming on a cruise on April 24th. Then picking me up to take me home again!

I currently have after job jitters. I don't want to come back here, but I must if I can't find a job. It's like a catch 22 thing. I need this job to find another job, but I need a new job so I can leave this job. Maybe that's not a catch 22 afterall, but you understand my worry.

So I've been looking off an on for jobs, just found another to apply to, and feel as if my clippings are less than perfect and ones that I don't want to use, but must because my parents only sent me some cruddy ones.

I look at them and think Fuck, why didn't I think to bring the good ones? Hello.

But I must do with what I have. So, I'll suffer through it as the job I'm applying for need 6 tear sheets and unfortunately, I only have one tear sheet! The rest are just the section itself. I guess I could photocopy them. But that is tacky.

So I'll send some of my newsletters here. I have two under my belt, not to mention I could make a "fake" one need be. It's just finding the time and energy to do this.

I feel like Scarlet O' Hara as I put it off for tomorrow and so on.

Today was so icky, I woke up early for the repair man to fix my copier and he didn't come until 8:30! I had to wait an hour and a half for him and he was only there about 20 mins and said it was broke due to him not screwing something in far enough. I said I didn't care as long as it works.

Then he went on to lecture me about finding some fucking manual that's been missing there for about a year or so.

I wanted to say I don't give a shit, but I just said I'd look for it a billion times.

He smelled of BO.

Anyway, the housekeeping man is seriously hitting on me and that involves touching and standing close to me. And I feel like saying, get the net dude I'm not interested. But I always spare their feelings and smile in such a way and advert my eyes to the floor, the wall or the table.

There is, however, a certain man that I would like to know more, but I never get to see him ... and I just don't know if he A. likes me or B. is gay.

What a thing ... but I'm guessing if you have to wonder if someone is gay, then they probably are gay.

But he's so kind and sweet and when I talk to him I am myself totally and we laugh and giggle and make eyes and laugh again.

But I never see him, but when I do it's like gold and leaves a smile on my face. Last time my friend said to me "why are you so fucking happy?"

Oh my, that's when I knew I had a mini crush.

Oh...geez. I know.

Anyway, I can't wait to friggin leave I'm tired of being this fake person. And everyone here is so ingenuine and fake and they don't care about you and don't respect you whatsoever.

It's so different here, everything is so concentrated. The freaks, nerds, the losers, sex fends, and then instances like racism, or class levels, or stealing or ... so many things are just so concentrated here that sometimes I just want to get off at the next port and never look back.

I'm tired of it and I still have 2 months to go and sometimes I feel so afraid that I'll have to come back and deal with those who smile and say Hello to me merely because I can do their print jobs for them while otherwise they wouldn't even look at me.

I don't want that false sincereity. What is this place? I see so many people get this look, this feeling and I know it's inside all of us on this boat, this type of person we all hate and it's this fakeness that is only us when we're here walking down the halls, in the galley, walking up the stairs and saying hello to everyone.

That's not us.

I miss, yes, dare I say, miss my old life? I know that's crazy as I would kick myself had I not done this, but I miss the normal life, I really do and thinking about doing this again for 4 months seems out of the question, but I feel a sob bubble up to think that maybe if I can't find other work that I will be back here again.

I got myself here and I know I can get myself out and I wonder, just wonder what is to become of me.

Anyway, I should get going and put on my fake smile and start feeling like the days will pass ... and think about resumes and such.

I think I might go as far as buy into one of those resume, head hunter things where they give out your resume to a million employers and see what happens.

Granted I hate head hunters, but it seems the only feisible thing to do when April arrives and it feels like that will run up on me ....

But please don't think I am unhappy, I am fine, as I've said. I'm just fine ... at least that's what I tell myself and everyone. I know what I have to do and will work my way to it. It's just time and waiting that I dislike. I'm not regret at all.

Hell, the weight I lost here alone has been worth it! ;) Yes, yes, I cannot wait to see a scale! My clothing does fit looser and I feel like I did when I lost weight before. Watch me have only lost 5 lbs or something stupid like that.

Hum. Okay, not much else to write on, as nothing much happens or things do and I can't exactly get to write on here, though I do miss writing - even reporting and writing columns, I miss it all sometimes...really I do.

It's just...I guess, um...I don't know time I just thought more about the decisions I make.

�

pet ramps