Today began with me shoveling 3 inches of snow in my pajama's and Pookie watching me.

It snowed like mad last night and poor Pookies had to drive up in a winter storm. Michigan storms are horrid, it's lake effect snow which means white outs. It also means that the shitty plows don't get to plowing until the roads are pure powder and your car just glides with a little gas.

So he made it and we both headed out in my car to my favorite restaurant, I paid and we had a jolly time. He had his grandma's old wig in his car and ended up putting it on a parking post near the restaurant, the snow made it seem like the post was a little white tree.

We got home and talked and watched TV and listened to the radio, played video games, played with the dog and finally hit the sack at 1:30 a.m.

I couldn't sleep to well, and tried to relish my last hours in Michigan. For a place I've wanted to leave since I got there two years ago, I sure was having mixed thoughts about leaving my new "safe and comfortable" place.

So, I sucked it up, but have been feeling moments of neutralness like I'll be okay, then moments of pure panic like I'm not sure what to do (and consequently feeling like screaming like Nicole Kidman in the beginning of the film 'The Others.')

So I made it to Indiana in one piece, on the way Pooks giving me lessons about sex and stuff. He read some stupid book and told me his philosophy on women and how they cheat because they are never satisfied because they are multi organismic while mean just have one organism.

Then he tried to tell me about other sexual things and laughed at the fact of me losing my virginity some odd day and how sex is "fun" or else why would everyone be doing it?

It's funny how someone reads a book and suddenly thinks they are some scholarly person and has answers to questions that haven't been asked.

I just laughed it off. I like to think sex is trivial, but I'm not willing to just do it to get it over with, though sometimes I think I should just to fucking know what it's all about.

Anyway Pooks smoked about five cigarettes in the car (window open) and my throat was irritated when I got home and I got a nasty headache. I felt like I was going to lose my voice. He kept trying to push a drag on me, but I said no because I always wheeze and feel like I'm going to have an asthma attack even though I don't have asthma.

Regardless ... I got home, went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend and then went shopping for some more stuff for my trip.

It's odd, my sister's boyfriend's child was trying to talk to me, and I was trying to be nice and cool, but I found myself feeling nervous and at odds. I'm not sure why, but I suddenly missed how the house used to be full of people, back in the days when my parents lived here and people would drop by, when I was in college, in the sorority and worked for the school paper.

I wondered ... when did I suddenly become to feel so alone? I guess being surrounded by people, then suddenly alienated is what happened.

And I have the feeling it's about to happen again.

My sister talked to me and said Mom called her and cried on the phone to her.

Ma has been asking me to go to lunch with em' before I went to Indiana. I said NO I do not want to see my parents because it's way to hard. If I could, I would've left on my own, without seeing anyone.

It's not a punishment or anything bad, it's just to hard on me, to stressful. It breaks my heart literally.

I just hate it because I feel so very low. But when my sister explained this to my Mom, I guess ma started crying, she understands, really she does.

But in a way, I don't understand it because when my sister told me this, I began to weep.

Not sob, but weep silently and push back the two tears that escaped my eyes. Just as I type this now, I'm beginning to silently weep. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it's easier this way, it's better this way, but it still makes me very upset because I know tomorrow is my last day with people I know, places I know, my comfort-safety zone.

Then suddenly I'm pushed into being adult, with only myself to care for. And suddenly I feel scared and worried and yes I cry.

I know when I say bye to my sister I'll cry, and then when I'm taking on that short ride to the bus stop by my sisters boyfriend I will try to contain myself and put on my adult-like face and try to cover my sadness with a fake smile.

Then I feel like this is the price it is to grow up and learn adultness. I have to realize the opportunity and learn to like it, and deal with it and do all those things that will suddenly make me feel like I can do this.

So far, I just feel scared.

It sucks that I won't have access to a computer until Saturday, and even then I'm not sure if I'll be able to do anything.

I guess life is like a relationship, the leaving of something loved for something better for the both of us...and the new thing that I could turn out to love or despise.

I have hope, and am loved the possibilities of meeting new people and learning new things. I keep thinking about how I'll lose weight, how I am going to catch up on reading and how I want to begin writing notes on a book I've always wanted to write.

I know that's a lot of things to do, but over time, even if I do them a few times, that is something.

I do want to change, but it's that first step that is the scary one, perhaps those first few steps will be on blistered feet, but I have to keep going because there is no turning back without killing my pride and my already fragile ego.

The only place to go it straight ahead, no detours, just keeping my head and keeping my cool I will make it.

I really hope to update this again tomorrow night, just as a good-bye and final thought thing. I don't know, I just hope with all the goodwill everyone was given me that I can at least survive on that a while.

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pet ramps