I ate this Lean Cuisine today ... it was Mandarin Chicken with rice. It tasted really, really bad, but I ate it anyway cause I was hungry and not about to venture into the cold for better, yet fatter food.

Something, though, got to me about it. Like one of those moments when you see something that you realize something, about something totally unrelated.

Well, I saw "now more chicken!" colorfully exclaimed on the box. And said to myself...tell me about it.

See I should have that stamp on me. "Jenny ... now more chicken!" Should be on a T-shirt or tattooed on me. Cause I feel chicken. I feel like a big baby.

Seeing this option to work on a cruise ship, that I could go away and work in a print shop, me the manager, the goddess of type print. Me the one getting all the juicy information out in a timely manner. Yeah me.

Well, the thought of me leaving home, where I know everyone, everything, now that makes me a chicken. I started to think about it tonight and began to cry a little....

I know, just know I would hate to be alone, just hate it. Though I am ALONE here, and doing just dandy, still, I know there is a time to grow up.

I know, if I said no to this experience, I would regret it. Yet still, I almost regret this fast, grow up NOW, type thing, like it's time En. And this is scary.

I think about this job and I shake. I just tremble and my body feels like a baby rattle, I clench my teeth. A mini-panic attack of sorts.

I told my ma, if I get this, I don't want anyone to wish me off. I want to go ALONE. I don't want to have that sorrowful good-bye. Sorry, I want to be at it, alone. I want to take a bus to Chicago O'Hare and get on a plane, and find my way to the boat. I don't want my parents there, I know I'll fall apart and I don't want that, maybe that'll hurt their feelings...but it's something I really need.

Man my life is crazy, there is always something. Oh my. Gee o my.

I don't know, I just am so confused and it's like no one has the answer I want to hear, nothing that will spark a definite "I want to do it" or "I don't want to do it" response from me.

It's hard, I want to just bawl my eyes out not cause I'm sad, but because I'm scared. Scared of being alone, getting lost, in trouble, no one to talk to, no relaxation, just scared that my safety net is a thousand miles away.

It's scary and I feel like I should face this, and get over it, just break the chains, and live.

Something, I feel like running away, but I know I have to do this, it's like taking a puppy away from it's mother. It is so sad at first, but learns to live with it.

Anyway, I'm so stressed out, it's not even funny. I keep messing up at work, and I cannot sleep anymore, I'm paranoid about people breaking in, bats, and getting snowed in. Last night I was afraid of dying, or having someone I love die.

I really need to de-stress somehow because I feel like I'm ready to blow up. I'm so tired of worrying and being confused.

Maybe this job, even if I don't get it, will give me some clarity in my life. What I really want, maybe I'll find myself there.

Has the person I'm looking for in myself been hiding in a cruise ship this whole time?

I kept thinking, God the weight I'll lose on it.... Heart breakers diet, and not snacking all the time, no fast food, etc. Oh man.

Then I worry about making friends and things like that. Oh well, so much to think about, and tomorrow, I think it will all happen after that interview...suddenly Seymour, there it will be, I just hope if they want me to interview down there, they'll let me know when I'm in FL and not when I return......

Just please pray for me, I'm not religious, but sometimes I feel like it's something that is comforting regardless of my religious babble...I just need direction, clarity anymore. Just a line to tow me in from this sea of confusion that has grown into high waves.

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pet ramps