oh my.

It has been a while hasn't it?

Not like I have a following, or that people would remotely care if I fell off the face of the earth.

They'd just go on about life and think one day in the future, "I wonder what ever happend to that Yentl girl??

SO I GOT THE JOB.

Wait. Let me clarify, I have to pass a physical examination first, then I have the job.

What job?? Geez man, read my friggin diary more...but...it's a print coordinator on a cruise line ... for a company I worked for before in 'Flarida.'

I have to have my physical sometime next week and ... well ... I'm deathly afraid of doctors.

I hate them, though I know they are there just to help me, make me live longer, but still, my experience at the doctors was never good. Plus my mom is like me, afraid of the doctor.

I realized that it's my body and if I don't want them to poke around certain places, I merely will say NO.

So this 6 PAGE medical list my doctor has to fill out doesn't sound to bad, just a lot of blood, urine tests and then a EKG and Chest X-ray.

Hearing test, eye test. Okay ... that's groovey to me.

Then I flip to physical exam ... oh okay...look at me chest, lungs and all those goodies...but...

Then I see ... genito-urinary, hernia and anus, rectum.

Er.

No. I'm not dropping my pants...sorry, but this is a fucking physical, not a God damn exploritory exam.

He doesn't need to look at my ass or my vagina, my plumbing is working fine and dandy. Truely it is doc.

I plain on saying I have a "heavy" period due to "recent stress" and it would make me "very uncomfortable" to remove my pants due to my very "heavy" period ....

I'm guessing others have used this plan, I'm sure of it, but ... the thing is, I still have my period and I know I will continue to have it next week, so it's not really a lie.

I'm very embarassed of my lower body, I mean my whole body is icky, but my lower body I have major reservations with, my huge inner thighs and my skin that is TO fair, so it looks purple and my scars from my childhood bought of skin problems. Not to mention someone looking down there.

It creeps me out, my sister said if I wanted the job bad enough...I'd let them do whatever. That made me feel a bit like a whore. Just a bit.

So I'm hoping this doctor is cool and is like "what the hell we don't need to do all of this!"

Or agree with me when I say I have my rag and it makes me even MORE uncomfortable with someone down there when ... you know. Ew, period smell, it's the WORST.

The doctor will throw up and be like Jesus Christ I haven't seen anything like this for a while.... I know I'm making TO MUCH of this, but that's what I always do, make to much of little things.

But man when it's all over, it will be yummy, delicious, heavenly, to have it done with. Mom asked me what I'll do when I have a kid. Oh my.... Or go to the gyn ... or ... ooh pap smear shit...oh my!!!!

I want to lose weight before I do those things. I know that sounds odd, but it's true.

But like I said it's my BODY and they can't make me DO anything.

I just hope I don't get the "you need to lose weight" speech. It's like no shit...really? I'm overweight? Wow, that's news to me! Really? Are you sure!?

Anyway, enough about this stuff, the sooner I get the appt. the sooner it will be over, then I can concentrate on if I made the right decision.

My Christmas was funky, by the way. My parents gave me $600, my sister bought me a few presents, she said she got me a ticket for our trip, but not I can't use it, so she's tellin' me she'll buy me something for $200 bucks or give me the ticket, or something.

She felt guilty for all the things I bought her, and with the stuff I got, I felt like crying, I didn't get all that much for Christmas ... nothing expensive, well thought out, extravant purchases for me ... I felt a bit gipped in the whole gift giving season, when I put time, money, thought in people's gifts and here I get Happy Bunny stuff ... er ... ok.

I almost cried, it sucked, it's the first time in my life I had nothing to open Christmas Day. It was the first time in my life that my presents didn't surprise me ... oh man. I know I sound spoiled, but...come on now.

I still feel tearful about how my life has changed completely all of the sudden ... and how I'm still stuck in pre-Jenny where she wanted so badly out of here and now I have cold feet, but still knowing I must go.

When my parents dropped my sister and myself off at the airport I started crying. I wanted to just BAWL right there and sob, but I held back and airport people were gawking at this fat girl rolling in a huge green suitcase. My sister glanced back and I grumbled out ... "I'm sorry" and then tried to calm myself down yet kept feeling sobs rise up in my throat. I let out one last spasm of tears and half a sob and collected myself.

Naturally, my sister began to tear up and cry, but we both quickly collected ourselves.

I'm still collecting myself and still tear up all the time and just feel so stressed and worried all the time now. My sister told me I need to calm down and relax, she says I've been looking so worried anymore.

I said I couldn't help this, it's hard to accept sudden change(s) when you're so comfortable in your life.

So naturally I cry/tear up so much now and I haven't been sleeping well and feeling like I could throw up all the time.

Yeah I'm fine! I say with a smile, but inside, I just feel mixed up.

I'm completely worried about the doctor, I can't get that off of my mind, I know it's so fucking silly and after it I will think how daffy I was and stupidly worried myself into a tizzy for no reason. I just wish I had the words to calm myself and say it's going to be all right, you'll survive it and it'll just be a lil' bit.

I wish I could believe myself sometimes.

I'll try to not let it bother me, but whenever I pass by the clinic I get butterflies in my stomach and feel like I was just socked in the stomach.

Oh my... And then comes resigning from this job, oh man. Then comes traveling to Fla ... *sigh*

So scary.

�

pet ramps