It snowed again, but the sun is out and looks like it's trying to fight the newly fallen snow!

It melted a bit yesterday, which was fucking LOVELY. Nothing better than melting snow.

I had to drive out to this tiny town last night for work, it sucked ASS. It was like a 25 min. drive in the WOODS. In National WOODS. For a five second picture! AR, I was angry I had to go do that, on the way back, I saw these weriod moving red lights in the road and realized they were reflections off of DEER EYES.

I screamed in my car and slowed down and they ran off and I beeped my horn, my car would be totaled if I ever hit a deer, I'd probably die too cause I'm sure it'd come crashing through my window too...oh my....

Let's not think of that, think of the pouring snow, not seeing the road and getting in an accident - Misery style - and ... oohh.

Anyway, I'm excited they caught Saddam!!! WOW! I get to paginate this!? YES! I can't wait!!!

I also was thinkin' yesterday, 40 yr old called and told me he was seeing a movie, and blah blah. Then wanted to see me before I left for Florida, I said I can't...then wanted to see me today, I said I was working, then he wanted to drive to Indiana and take me out.

I said no. Mmm... I keep asking myself what are you doing??

I don't know, I feel like I'm stringing him on, but having someone care about you is just something that is hard for me to let go, when I feel like I need that, when I feel like no one cares about me sometimes.

But when I think of him, I cringe, he's to old, he's just not my type. Yet I string this man on.

Then.

I'm talking to Andy Boy near me, and he's all talking like we've known each other for years and acting like we're in some relationship - the emails me sends me...oh my.

Like love letters to a stranger.

I feel uneasy about that, I don't feel like ... I dunno....

Then it hit me the other day - I was walking into work and it was very icy and I almost fell. I thought, boy if I had a man he'd probably would've put his hand around my waist ... then this scared me.

I think I'm scared to get in a relationship - that fat girl steretype - thinking I'm not worth it, don't deserve it...etc. It scares me to death. Maybe that's why I find things wrong with people so quickly instead of just trying it out to see how I feel.

I have Andy boy telling me how wonderful I am, though we've only talked a few times ... I have 40 yr old wanting to see me all the time, telling me how alone he is, how ....

Oh my.

I don't know what to do, am I worried about the whole kissing, touchy, sex type things? Worried about my inexperience showing? 40 yr old knows what I am, Andy boy doesn't. Usually when I tell em' that I'm a big V they get all gushy and this type of macho thing comes over them, and they usually word it saying they can help my cause out and it makes me laugh like they can talk me into believeing like they can solve all my problems.

Maybe I'm to independant. Sometimes I feel like I should just play the part of a girlfriend (not sex) and just be there for em' and be available and now shy away to open hands or those looks and not be afraid.

It's so much easier said than done.

So much easier to think about and fantasize about then actually do.

Being single, I find, isn't cause guys don't like me, it's maybe because...it scares me. It's that old saying...It's me (and so much ME) than you ....

So I will leave this crazy thing as it is, I've to much to think about, like packing and trips and the dog.

My parents said they might not even come home in Jan! I was like who'll take care of the dog while we're in Fl. in Jan?? Seriously? My grandma is needy, but my uncle will be down there until March! So why can't HE take care of her and release my parents?

My dad is supposed to talk to my uncle and tell him he needs to be there for her. I was like oh fuck, see in our family, we communicate but we don't communicate.

We say things and they don't get across, maybe it's how we word them, but everyone is so afraid of showing emotion, or love, or whatever, the words come out but are not heard.

I wish I could tell my uncle, or my mom could cause we're straight to the point, we don't dance around. We say things that are to be heard and thought on. Not these silent words my fathers side has.

I just kinda want my parents home due to this really bad winter come, I'm sorry, I can't HANDLE this again, not again, it was so bad last year. I used to cry every morning.

And I have to take care of the DOG, which is worse now I have a "kid" and have to get home for the pup.

Argh.

Oh well, it's so hard to pack for Fl. this time of year when one day is 90 degrees, the next 60 degrees. I'm sure I'll be hot whatever degree it is cause of the temp. change from here in HELL ...er...Michigan.

I bought a lot of stuff at Kmart yesterday for the trip. Got my sister's Christmas stuff done too - wrapped it and found the dog had pissed on the wrapping paper!

I was SO MAD. He got two rolls!! All along the side of them!! I couldn't believe he did that. I was so mad, I threw the pissed paper at him and he showed his teeth - so I made him get in his bed. He wasn't too happy, but then again, neither was I.

I applied for a job on a cruise line yesterday, it's writing their newsletters. It seems cool, live on a boat for 4 mths have 8 weeks off, etc. I know I won't get it, it always works that way.

I haven't applied for much lately because I haven't see ANY jobs so to speak, just nothing. The job market is supposedly gettin' better, but I sure as HELL don't see it anymore.

I keep thinking, praying, hoping that possibly, they are waiting for the new year to toss out job positings. I really hope so, my old place of employment hasn't posted anything, though I've spoken with the assistant editor and he says there are two page designers who have left!

They haven't posted anything, nuthin' and it's like...man that's my ultimate to get back in that paper, that's my dream. Yet somehow I wonder about God's plans for me, I wonder where I'll end up, I just have to wonder what's going on in my life besides nothing.

Sometimes at work when I type in obituaries, some are only a paragraph long, some fill up the page. Some are just one line, one sentence of a person who's 80 years old.

And I worry. Is my life, just one sentence? Right now, I feel like I'm a few words. I wrote a Christmas letter to a friend and told about my parents, sister and myself.

My life seems soo blah...I work. That's all I do. I work and play the violin. I try to exercise sometimes. But that's it.

I live with my parents, I don't have a boyfriend and haven't had a serious one since high school.

This is Jenny, she's asexual or something, she's afraid of something and hasn't found herself yet. She worries about getting to old, living alone and being left behind.

This is Jenny, in one word: lost.

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pet ramps