I woke up at 7:30 this morning (I never get up that early) just to wait for the cable man to come fix my cable modem.

So they said "he'll be there between 8 a.m. and 10 a.m. I said "but I have to work..." they said ... well they could come Saturday.

I laughed, and said er ... okay I'll go in late cause I need my AOL fix and am a internet junkie.

So I waited until 9:30 - very pissed and tired - got in my car to leave and yes, Murphy's Law came into full force as I passed the guy on the street, I turned around Dukes of Hazard style and met him at my house.

He fixed my internet ( I think, I didn't try it out) but he also found that we spliced our cable - that was the culprit of the bad internet connections.

He said "I'm not going to charge you for this, though I'm supposed to ... think of it as a early Christmas present."

I was relieved and he left thankfully and I went to work.

So at work today I've been completely out of it, majorly out of it. People call my name and I don't hear them, then they say loudly "JEN!" and whoops...sorry.

So I'm in my own world today and I told everyone I was sorry I was just so out of it. Tears have been threatening my eyes all day, I am tired, PMSing' and stressed about the whole Grandma is dying thing.

See one of my friends is a nurse and said if they said she was in stage 4 of cancer, it's not that she has months to live, but days or weeks.

I didn't think it was that way, so fast. Then I stress at work because they are trying to arrange the days off and keep TALKING to me about it, and it upsets me completely and makes me want to cry.

Then I hear people talking about Christmas, decorating, putting up trees, listening to Christmas music, when my holiday seems already ruined, I have no tree, no Christmas music, I'm living alone at home with no one to share these times with.

So I'm just bascially in a funk lately, I think I need to get a goods nights rest. I went to bed last night at 2 a.m. and kept waking up last night, I thought for sure someone was breaking in.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating my work completely today, I have 8 more pages of this section to do, and also get the photo section completed. I just don't feel like doing it, I feel like laying my head down, crying my heart out since I've been holding it in and then sleeping for a good 2 days. That sounds just lovely to me.

Ooh and watching my Sex in the City. I friggin love that show! I kinda feel like Charlotte on it, I swear. I'm picky like her and like expensive stuff like her. I don't think I would dump a man though if he didn't match my tastes...hm I guess I'm neurotic like her too. eee I love that show though.

Although if my life was like that show I would've slept with the cable man, 40 yr old, my boss, a co-worker and probably pooks by the end of December. They sleep with a new guy every episode, I should keep track of all the new men. And sorry, Sarah jessica parker dresses like a whore on that show, no one wears clothes like that, come on. WHORE.

I don't care when I'm blue that show makes me happy cause I can relate to some things....

I also have to practice violin and exercise this week. Granted I'm taking today off of exercising, sorry, I am to tired, I just feel like crud, I hope this isn't a cold and just tiredness from the past weekend.

I guess drained is how I feel. Anyway, I wrote a long drawn out diaryland entry about life and such, but deleted it cause I don't like sad things or sounding shitty all the time.

I just feel it's a rough patch in my life right now, not necessarily bad, but finding out what I really want and what I didn't know I wanted.

Regardless, I stole all these songbooks for my violin teachers. I got 88 of em' and it's odd cause.

Isn't there 88 keys on a piano?

Hm. So I got em' this huge ass bag full, and wished I had nabbed 100 for them, but hell 80 is a good number anyway. I just wish, man, that I had played good for them when the concertmaster was in watching me. I still feel at odds with that. I feel ashamed that I didn't do well, they said I did good, but I know, just know maybe I disappointed them.

I never thought I'd crack under that pressure, really. I think it was the pressure of him there, and all of them listening to me playing and trying to make em' proud...oh man.

I really apologized to them, I hope they don't think I'm to wacky, but I know how it is when you want to show off and then it doesn't work out. Oh my. I was happy when my teacher said "Jennifer I don't care what he thinks, you're my student and you're first year, and you did excellent."

I felt a bit like that boy who froze in the middle of a solo in front of a school ... they told him he did great, but they couldn't believe that he had done that. I kept thinking are they just saying nice things to calm me down, just like that boy?

I should stop analyzing that and think about how I'm going to bash the students that didn't come Thursday night.

I hope my parents make up their minds soon about when they are leaving Florida or if we're coming down or whatever the fuck is happening. One moment Mom is saying I'll have fun spending time with my sister at home and shopping after Christmas...then she is saying she wants to leave Dec. 15 ... it's like..what? Make up your mind, I kept thinking HOW I would explain to my boss if my parents came home early and were here for Christmas...

Um, she got better? Doesn't want us?? I don't know. Somehow I think I will be driving down to see my sister. I got her boyfriend a present even.

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pet ramps