It's one of those days where you're just late with everything.

I woke up late, got to work late, etc.

I was dreaming a weriod dream when I made myself wake up. I dreamed I went to this model casting call, but it wasn't me on the outside. I was this beautiful girl, I knew I was going to be picked and was.

Then later on in my dream I had to sing a song but forgot the words.

I was singing duet with this guy and he knew the words and I was grumbling through it - my voice wasn't mine, it was someone else's.

But I knew in the dream that even though I didn't know the words, I still sang and looked beautiful so it didn't matter and I wasn't afraid of failing.

Then I woke up. What does it mean? I don' t know. I guess I wish I was someone else, or think that the beautiful people get away with it all. And maybe me playing the violin and thinking how I just muddle through half the time ....

I don't know what it means. But I guess I've been watching to much Sex in the City, practicing the violin to much and listening to music to much.

Oh well, that dream kind of haunted me, I wish, just wish I was that sort of person who knew she was beautiful or at least pretty. Had that confidence, and knowledge. I guess sometimes it would be easier if someone told you the truth about yourself, do you really look that fat, how do you really look to people on the outside.

Cause I know how I feel about myself on the inside, and most of the time it's not very nice/good.

SOoooo I practiced violin a lot this week. My friend asked if I'm getting better and now I think I'm at the point where I need to master what I'm learning now and fine tune it and then will be able to do very well.

It still bothers me when I play something and hear it not sound right, then everyone else is like "why did you stop? It sounded great." I guess maybe I'm a bit to much of a perfectionist with it, but I'm still experimenting with how to hold the bow and what makes it sound better.

It's a lifelong learning thing I suppose, but I guess you get to a point where you can play w/o all the mess ups like me ... see my biggest mess up it my bowing. That's the whole kit and caboodle - if you nervous it shows in your bowing, you hear the uneasiness in the song. And then there is the pressure you put on the bow to make it sound loud, medium soft, then my biggest ordeal, keeping the bow away from the bridge.

I've had this problem for a while and it HAS gotten better, but still it needs to be worked on, and perhaps if I practice more it'll help it even more, I know when I practice my confidence is high. Although, today I'm a bit worried because of stuff we're getting into that seems like something I won't be able to learn right away.

That scares me cause there is nothing worse than being that person who holds the class back, and feeling like people want to say "well you should come to class more!"

But I have a new partner in crime. This girl who misses more than I do ... heh heh. I at least know I'm better off than her.

But at the same time, I think I do OK, I used to be at the top of the class, now, I don't know where I am. Am I better than that young girl? I don't know, some times I am, some times I just don't get anything, I hate those days...bad bad violin days.

My teachers always say they know when students haven't practiced cause they don't enjoy the class, but with me, I've practiced, but I still don't feel comfortable enough.

Oh well I think I'll fight to sit either by or behind my teacher so I can see her bowing, I really do well then. I don't know if sitting next to the cellist and viola players is hindering me at all?? I guess I will have to experiment.

I'm nervous now. I just psyched myself out completely. So I will be positive and say, well Jenny you've practiced and you will do fine tonight because you always do fine and any mistakes you make aren't all that serious, you know you can do it if you just believe you can and have confidence, don't sweat this, it's a hobby not a friggin ... job.

Sooo I didn't exercise last night, I had kind of planned to, then I started working on my special section and then blamo my class was starting in 10 minutes and it's a 15 minute drive/change there! I said screw it and worked later than usual.

Then today I made my lunch and my other boss was like "back on the diet eh?" I was like...er ... no?

She went on to say I diet like her and only do a few days then off again.

I wanted to say, did you just listen to me?

But I guess it appeared I was eating light, well I was actually. I had a veggie chik patty on a white bun with ranch dressing on it and then some tortilla chips ... and a can of pepsi.

I brought a pear too but didn't eat it cause I was full - I'll eat it tonight I think or something like that.

Oh well I guess I don't eat as bad as I did. Last night's dinner was tortilla chips and salsa, and a christmas cookie and two glasses of skim milk.

I'm so addicted to skim milk now for some reason, I adore the stuff, more so than pop.

I go through milk stages, though I'm sure milk probably has just as much or more calories and a pepsi. I dunno.

Oh well ... I should go to court today I haven't been in there in so long. Hm I'm feelin' very lazy though and that's a long walk there! lol I know....I'm so friggin lazy....maybe I'll go next week ... hehehe!!!

Oh well I watched Rich Girls on MTV last night and it makes me ILL these girls who don't know shit about the world. I know I'm probably stupid and kidding myself like them sometimes but man I wish I could cry to my mom that I need a new computer and her buy me one just like that.

The mother in it, is SO fucking nasty, she let the dog hump her, that is just DISGUSTING. People are so disgusting with animals sometimes like Ozzy letting the dog lick them in the mouth, that's so nasty!!!

I mean dogs lick their ASS and eat shit and eewwwww lol!! Oh my.

Pooks is like that too, he'll let toto LiCK his hand and just keep on going. THAT IS SO GRODY. YUCK.

I yell at the dog cause EW it's just so VILE. And he's like what? I want to say, do you know toto eats dead animals outside, he licks his ass and god knows what else and you're letting him go to town licking yer hand? That's fucking disgusting!! Why not let him fucking hump your leg while you're at it??

Oh man that makes me so nauseous, seriously, people make me ill with that kind of stuff. Beastiality or some shit.

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pet ramps