I thought I'd better type my diary in WORD since my friggin DSP keeps on dying. We're having a wind storm and it keeps flopping out!

Of course it does it in the middle of important stuff like when you're trying to see what's in your bank account.

Anyway, 40yr called me on my cell/house line and I didn't answer. I got on AOL when I could and he IM'ed me and said he was sorry. I was like er whatever dude. My goal now is to piss em' off, make him say "fuck Jen, she's a bitch!"

He annoys me, and I'm sorry I'm not going to be nice Jenny I'm going to say what I think.

Okay anyway. I cleaned up again today, the house looks great. I can't wait till everyone comes home! It feels weird to have Monday off, seriously my week is screwed up! Tomorrow feels like Sunday. My boss emailed me today about how I have to work nights the week before Christmas. I told him that I don't feel comfortable driving home that late, especially in snow storms.

I guess like my mom says -- that I need to speak up more and say things because ain't nobody is going to speak up for me. I guess I need to take more consequences. It's odd cause everyone says I need to talk more, I do that now, and now they say I need to say what I mean more and stand up more...it's like fuck when will everyone be content with me and stop trying to fix me??

I know it's probably for my own good, but sometimes I just want things to go smoothly, comfortable, relaxing! Something.

Anyway, I'm excited that everyone is coming up. My parents say they are hoping to go home early. I wish they would, I keep praying the snow doesn't hit until January. The locals say it doesn't, but this year seems strange.

Oh well ... I really need to get back on the exercise track. I think I began to lose thanks to my gym goings lately -- but it's not enough. I mean I need to kick arse. I'm not sure what plan I will do, I'm just going and going and thinkin' and thinkin' about it.

That doesn't help. I just am unsure, I keep thinking about Atkins, low carb, but hell all meat and cheese and salad....that is not me. I know what I must do, but I keep holding myself back.

I should, must write down my WW points. That is what I have to do.

But I don't, and I don't know why. I think about it, but actually doing it is another question, it's like I ignore it ...

I have to think about this ... talk it out with myself, have a sit down talk.

Oh well, I also want to be more positive. I know I bitch a lot and my days sound like they are black clouds all the time...but they aren't.

I keep thinking...who likes to hear people bitch? Seriously? I know I get tired of it. I think I should stop nit pickin' and just try to be ... more open, nice, friendly and fun.

All that stuff, I just need to change, I realize this now. I want to change, I'm trying to, I guess baby steps...tiny steps, will eventually lead me to where I want to be.

So what next, what now? I'm going to exercise tomorrow, I found in my bank account ... (this is shocking ...) I FOUND MONEY in my bank account. I thought I had nothing in there, but I do in fact have moo-la.

Granted $250 of that is a check to my parents who haven't cashed it yet ... but isn't that lovely? I keep thinking I'll have that to fall back on. But I do not want to spend any more than I must now.

I am going grocery shopping this week ... so that's probably about $30. Then going to Kmart to buy a kitchen mat, cups and a hair dye kit -- eh probably $25 bucks.

Yeah, I'm going to buy an expensive hair dye kit -- that new L'Oreal one with streaks you put in on your own ... and I want to dye it a red or darker color. I love dark hair. We'll see though, my hair is FINALLY growing out! :) So happy about that cause forever it was just so short and looked cruddy when I put it up. Now it's longer and I've more options. I just wish I could get an easy hair style, so that I don't have to put it up all the time. I was thinking about getting a perm and wearing it all curled up -- kind of like Sarah Jessica Parker in the old Sex in the City episodes (sorry I've been watching that a lot lately).

Hm, well I guess I'll have to wait and see. All I know is IF I get a perm I'm going to a salon, my last perm by dear ol' mom turned out...so bad. lol God love her, but man, it was a major mistake.

Anyway, hell I forgot what I was going to say. I'd better get to bed, it feels like tomorrow will be a long day. I haven't exercised since ... oh my ... last Tuesday! Wow a week! Then Wed. is my exercise class. Man I was so hurt after it, I hope I do better Wed. I'm a bit scared I'll get fucked up like last time, but I'll be okay, I think I will...at least....

Oh well, I swear I keep seeing things. Like hallucinations! lol My mind is nutty, I thought I saw someone at work walk by me when no one was there, and at home I keep seeing things that I know aren't there. I thought I saw a black cat in the dining room. Geez I need to go to bed. My friend says my psychic abilities must be changing ... hehe Er .. yeah sure or else I shouldn't watch too much Sci-fi.

Oh well, um er...I practiced on my violin a lot today. It's strange how sometimes I can do very well, then boom I find myself in bad posture and my wrist hurting like mad. My grandma told my parents she is thinking of giving up music, that scared me since music is her life. It's odd cause I've thought about giving up violin, but a part of me says NO not until you can play well, and good...I just can't give it up, not when I play so good sometimes and feel so good about that...it's so beautiful to hear a violin played correctly, it's ... magical almost. The sound ... I can't explain it, it's like hearing an English person talk, you don't hear what they are saying, but just listening to the tone, the accent of it...so very strange, but wonderful.

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pet ramps