I'm sitting here at work listening to my Matrix Reloaded cd while the night editor talks to me, so I take off my headphones and say "what?"

He looks mad, sighs and repeats himself. Hello, why do people talk to you when you have headphones on?

He said "doesn't seem like everyone is crabby?" I said yeah, it must be the holidays or somethin' cause I just don't want to be here right now.

Anyway.

I woke up this morning to the phone ringing, I was having a strange dream that I wanted to remember, but forgot it as I woke up to my ma calling me.

I have a bit of a hang over today. See I drank last night on my own.

I was upset about the whole 40yo incident (read prev diary entry) and was feelin' reallllllly uptight.

So I poured some apricot brandy in a glass and then filled the rest up with some fruit juice. It was good, but it was a bad combination since I'm allergic to citric fruits (ala' the juice) I can eat em' but sometimes they effect me by making me become flushed, and run a lil' fever - dizziness.

The booze, well I'm not a drinker and for how much I drank was probably a double shot of apricot brandy. To me, that is drinking a lot since I hold no tolerance for it.

So I watched Powder and some movie called Where the heart is or some shit like that, I layed there all flushed, hot and feeling extremely dizzy. I felt nothing however, no emotions, I felt careless.

It was just what I needed. I went to bed feeling funky, maybe buzzed, and woke up feeling tired, headachy.

But I needed it, I feel okay today. I feel slightly guilty, but then feel slightly pissed off cause he put me in this prediciment.

He emailed today saying he hope I got the CD he made for me, like it was something worth while, like it was like he left a gold bracelet on my car.

I emailed back said yes, sorry about what happend, I'll make it up to you....yadda yadda.

He's still on my ignore/hide list for IM's on AOL. Yet I feel like I have wronged the boy by leading him on, I don't know what fantasy he has had about me where he's dreaming that we're perfect and I'm some perfect girlfriend and our differences don't matter not to mention my lack of attract for the boy.

I'm sure, positive he's dreamed up scenerios where love comes to conquer him and he's finally happy content with his new babe.

He's like those girls who always need a boyfriend to be complete. He says he's not desperate, but I say he is, to let me treat him like this and still speak to me. Sheesh.

I kept fantasing last night about dating a boy my age, even into his 30's, but not 40's.

Some boy who knows what it is to be young and not pull tricks and how to have fun and let people have their space.

That's the boy I want, some established boy. I mulled over this and then dreamed about moving to Illinois and my own apartment and all of that good stuff, getting out and away and changing without fear.

Of course, it was just thoughts, and you can't get anywhere on dreams and fantasies and thoughts.

So oh well, I stupidly left my diary up on my computer again, it's been about 2 hours that I'd totally forgotten about it. Whoops. Thankfully no one was here to jump on my computer.

I'll have to be more careful. Oh well I'm really tired, I guess maybe I just crashed after my sugary high (drank a 7-up remix).

I feel kinda of at odds right now cause I applied for a few jobs and I'm certain they must've gotten my resumes by now and I'm feelin' a bit left out cause no phone calls. Granted yes, I know it's the holidays, I guess tomorrow will tell. At the same time, my schedule is filled until Christmas. I wanted to sneak home for a weekend the second week of December and it's looking like I cannot without fangaling a lot.

I have to practice my violin booklet tomorrow. I played a bit on Friday night - I learned the first page of the Sleeping Beauty Waltz, though I play it so shaky and weriod cause I'm uncertain and it has so many slurs in it. I hate, despise slurs cause they pop up and you fuck up cause you're trying to play em' right...ooh.

I need to practice that horrible E-string. I can play it standing up, but sitting down I have mucho problemos. We're in a difficult section of our booklets - we're coming into new territory and it's like fuck me...I miss to much class, so I've got no one to blame but me.

I just...hate going cause of my teachers. I like em' but I'd rather be one on one cause I don't feel I learn at fast as I should. I know I ditch a lot but that's because it's on Thursdays - which are my Friday nights. Sorry but WHO wants to be somewhere on a "Friday" night? I mean come on. I wish they were like ... once a week for 30 minutes or something. Not to mention I work full time, not like these fuckers who stay home all day or live 2 streets away. Or have the same work hours everyday.

I always wonder though, have I lost my status in my violin class? I used to be the best...when we first began I was a good one...they said I was a "natural."

Now I feel like the screw up - the one girl who ALWAYS screwed up has left our class, I really miss her cause she was my partner in crime. My teachers said I'm tooo uptight when I go there and I should relax, I laugh at them, like it's that easy!! Sheesh, I have a stressful job with deadlines and rude people and shit.

Oh well, I do OK sometimes. Last time I did good for the first half, then I just kept fucking up. I know they say you hear it more than others, but that drives me nuts when you hear something funky coming out of your violin and everyone else is doing good.

Geez. It's so stressful to me...seriously! When you screw up and they give you that look like Jesus H. Christ already.

Hum. I'm hating this night boss, he's annoying and he never lets me go early. Seriously. If I was a boss, I'd be like "well you're done and you've got nothing to do, why don't you get out of here since you have to drive 20 MINUTES HOME."

But no, he doesn't care. Makes me grumpy. Makes me want to say "I Won't Be here that much longer asshole...."

But I know that that's probably not true cause with how my job searching has been going.... I'm thinking about going back into reporting at least I could probably get a job asap.

I just don't feel like a writer, I don't feel like a reporter. I mean I know I'm used to it by now and know the formula for a story, but there is so much more to that.

I love my design, my page design, it's such a accomplished feeling, though I know no one really notices it except designers like me. Oh well, it's a picky, finicky field, people take a second to look at a cover that took you an hour to make, days to think about, all for them to take that one second look at.

I wish sometimes people would say they enjoyed the sections or they didn't or what they thought.

I never hear anything, no one knows that I DO THEM, my name isn't plastered on it like an article, it doesn't say designed by Jenn ... no...I wish it did sometimes.

Oh well, today, it was odd, I was listening to my phone messages, and everyone calls me JEN on the phone, but in person they call me Jenny or Jennifer.

Hum. I hate this name, I'd like a name with only one other possible nickname... like Gregory.... you could only be called Greg.

Not like Jennifer, where you have Jen, Jenny .... I know it's such a small thing, but to me...it's like PICK ONE AND USE IT. geez man.

Oh well I have tomorrow off, I think I might go grocery shoppin' and maybe go to Kmart....ooh wait, I'm not wasting gas to drive up here...maybe I'll shop locally for some things and then Tuesday go on my lunch hour shopping....hum....

I'm getting that itch to skip violin this week, but I'm not, I will GO and I will GO to my exercise class on Wednesday too cause I said I would Go last week. No more skipping!!

AW FUCK I have to PAY for both my violin and exercise class fees!!! OH SHIT on me already.... damn it!

I hate my boss he keeps coming around me cause he knows I ain't doing my work and typing in my diary. Asshole, let me go home already!

�

pet ramps