It's been snowing off and on today since I woke up.

There is nothing more depressing than snow here in Michigan. I used to love snow, I waited for, prayed for it while I lived in Indiana.

It was beautiful to me then, glittering in the street lights, piling out on the windows, bushes turned into puff balls, everything was pure white.

I loved it.

Now, I hate it, it's ugly, cold snow. It's dangerous snow. It's snow that causes my car to slip about, driving home at night and barely being able to see the road much less any approaching cars, snow is now different.

Not when I lived in Indiana where I never need to go more than down the street, or a 5 minute drive to the movies or a 2 minute trip to the store. We used tons and tons of salt in Indiana, we don't care about the environment, we just care about slippery roads.

Not in Michigan where they use a 10 percent salt ratio to 90 percent sand. It's like driving in facial scrub. It's like driving a bumper car, but in the real world. You know if you start sliding, you might as well know that's a death wish somehow.

So it snows here and I think of who'll plow our driveway, I think of driving home on the highway, I think of all the bad things about snow. I hate it, it depresses me.

And what is worst, is my parents are off to Florida again. Grandma is worse and bed ridden and probably going to go for a hospital stay.

In a way, I'm angry at her cause this is the time I do not want to be alone in Michigan - winter time. I cannot imagine a more depressing time for me, a more painfully quiet, scary time as the snow falls.

I kept thinking why didn't she get sick in summer, fall? Spring? Times where I am ok alone, not now, when you don't know if you'll make it home, or if your car will make it up your snow coated driveway.

I know I'm selfish, I'm a baby, it's whatever you're thinking.

But the pooks in me says so what, fuck off. Who cares.

My pops was supposed to walk with me in the victorian parade, but now he'll be gone, so I've called my pooks and he said he'd do it.

I am glad he is, he's a lifesaver sometimes, sometimes he's really a good friend, sometimes he's normal and we're friends like normal people.

But time will tell, maybe things will get better and maybe the snow will melt . I'm sure I'd like snow better if I lived 1 minute from work. But I'm not willing to sign a 6 month lease when I don't know where I'll be in 6 months.

I always wonder, when I'll leave here. Will it be as fast as in December? January? Will I have to wait till spring? Will I be here another year, leave in October?

It makes you wish you knew the feature, or at least knew for certain that there was a deadline. Like I must be out of here by January 1.

But you don't know, and you wait and wait. You get little hopes when someone calls, but for me, I've had two calls now that have turned into mush.

Then I have my old boss talking to me, giving me hope, calming me down. Making me feel as if I'm not alone.

Even that is no concelation (sp?) half the time, so what if someone else feels as I do? What good does that do me? I know how everyone must pay their dues.

My old boss has turned and now says I have paid my dues and he wonders why I haven't left yet.

I wish I had an answer for him, more than "gee I don't know, you tell me why."

He says the economy, I graduated at a bad time, I feel guilty cause I could've graduated early, but didn't cause I took a semester off for a internship that didn't count.

But anymore, I'm neutral on it all, I'm trying still for jobs, but maybe I should try harder.

Oh well, I was just thinking about the parade, me and pooks. Me in my huge dress, me in my costume, me in the cold handing out candy canes with pooks. It'll sure be a day to remember I'm sure.

Oh well, I think 40 year old wanted to come and walk w/ me cause I was telling him last night about it. But I don't want to have to deal with it.... if you get what I mean. I don't want that touchy /feely type thing, I want to say just cause we talk a lot doesn't give you boyfriend rights. Ya know?

Last time we met was very very bad, I called it molesting lol but I guess I could've said STOP. I did'nt though.

So it's now 3:30 and I was supposed to go to violin tonight, but am not since I haven't practiced one bit. I'm opting to go to exercise.

I'm going to also try TrimSpa pills, this girl is sending me a bottle of hers that she used some of. I thought I'd give em a try, they are endrephra free - so no worried in that arena.

I dunno, I think I'm very stressed/burnt out because I can't concentrate anymore and I forget a lot of things now ... feel emotionally unavailable, do I even own emotions anymore? I cannot recall not being worried or stressed about work lately, I can't remember a really good nights sleep. I can't remember the last time I was completely happy and content. It's been a long time.

It's that damn snow! ;)

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pet ramps