What a long day.

Not really long, but ... kind of one of those days where you feel like ... maybe you should change your life.

I've been thinking and feeling a lot lately. I've been wanting to cry a lot, feeling like maybe, just maybe I've been ignoring myself, just plain not listening and doing things cause I thought they were things that I wanted.

Now I find, I'm completely confused with my life and how it's being led.

I sat here last night, in this very spot talking to my old boss about jobs.

He said, Jen, I really don't understand why you can't find a job. You're fantastic ....

I felt ashamed and self doubting because I have been trying to get a job, I look all the time, send out endless resumes. I told him I don't know why it's so hard for me, I said I don't know what's wrong.

He made me feel so ... I don't even know, I sat there and realized how shitty my current job is, the pay, the things I do. He made me realize how good of a designer I am, he said I limit myself geographically.

I said, but I don't want to move away from home in Indiana, I don't want to have to be more than an hour and a half. He said why not try Indianapolis, why not try Peoria, IL?

I said, no...that's not what I want. He said I really limit myself.

I wanted to say stop saying that, fuck you.

Then I realized it...and even now I realize it even more. I do limit myself.

In all my life, I've always held off, kept back, half-assed it all. Limited myself waiting for that big thing, the best things to come.

And what I find is they are not coming. I'm like that person who wants to win the lottery but doesn't buy a ticket.

I guess what I'm saying is I need to get more involved in my life and stop letting things pass and not listening to myself. I feel I'm not changing, not growing, I feel like a kid.

It's partly because I live at home with my parents, I can't have a relationship with anyone because they always want to know where I am, what I'm doing. God help me should I want to sleep with a man, bring him home, make out or whatever.

Gosh what would they say with their youngest girl fucking a man?

So today, we went shopping, I bought two bras - a pink one and blue/retro leopard black bra. Very sexy ones, that I like to wear.

My mom looked at them, and she said something about how I'm innocent ... or how I'm "pure" still ... in a mocking manner, like in a mean way, like...I don't know.

I was a bit shocked, hurt, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say, ma I can fuck someone tonight if you like.

I sat there thinking, god I'm a 26 year old virgin. I thought about it all day, then got home and read this girls diary - it's at http://virgin.diaryland.com. I really enjoyed it, because everything she says is thing I have felt lately.

I was feelin asexual lately, like Jesus H. Christ I haven't done anything with anyone.

I feel like a nun, I feel like a kid, maybe sex will be my introduction into adulthood of my own. I know people say you don't change all that much, it's just sex. To me...I guess maybe it will be something of a rebellion against my parents and myself.

A good girl all her life doing the wrong things, taking that chance.

My thing is, I could call 40 year old to relieve my sex problems, but I then think about ... him. Sex with him. And I think ... how he'll feel so ego-ish and think how he bagged some virgin, not to mention in her 20's.

I know he tries to be "gentle" with me on the net, like he's really caring and like he tries to make me feel comfortable.

But I also know there is no way, no where I could even do anything with him, we never see each other, when we do I feel like saying don't touch me, get away. I don't know if that's mental or if I'm not attracted to him.

I know I've been around boys I've been attracted to a lot ... I just don't know.

I guess this is what people mean when they say your 20's are confusing.

I don't know myself anymore, I don't know my goals or dreams anymore.

I keep thinking ... what do I want, what do I really want?

Should I do what my old boss says, try for jobs far off, be on my own? Find someone new to cling to?

Or move and hate my own weakness because I hate to be so far from my safety zone of friends and family?

It's like, why can't I let go of things, find new safety zones. Why can't I know what I want out of life?

I kept thinking of marriage and love and kids and I kept thinking of my job and parents and friends.

And I felt like crying.

So now. I'm going to try to lose weight better, faster, I'm going to try to take things slower, maybe be more into myself, fix the outside while trying to figure on the inside.

�

pet ramps