It's been a strange day.

I woke up early - like I was working - and putzed around. Washed clothes and cleaned the bathroom.

My parents aren't coming home just yet, which upset me....

Another week of living la vida alone-na.

So I went to the grocery store and bought some stuff for the week. I'm almost done with my bonnet, I should have spent more time on it, but I'm hurrying through it, so I can see places that really show it....

Hopefully I can fix that, just a lot of hand sewing, eep.

So I'll continue to work on it, maybe more careful now.

BUT THE BIGGIE today, was talking to two people ... it was a sex talk day.

I let 40-yr old know that I'm a virgin. He finally asked and I told him so. So we talked about it, and actually it was NICE, I mean he's an ass, but at least he made me feel better.

He asked if I thought about having sex with him, and I said I did (I have I know...) and he said, that's good cause he's thought about it many many times with me. (That's exactly what he said lol)

So I was a bit flattered. In an odd way.

He asked if I thought about it more than once, I admitted it.

It's harmless stuff, I said.

Not like I want to do it with him, just thoughts. Then...

He asked it.

He said, Jen, do you want to have sex with me?

I said, dude I can't answer that, I don't know.

I know I'll probably never do it with him, but I also told him that I feel like I'm still a kid and never thought of myself sexually.

He says he thinks of me sexually. Then I realize that maybe all this time me thinking him the weriod sexual person was fucked up...but maybe it's ME who is the weriod one who can't come to terms with having sex one day with someone.

I told him I realized that maybe I'm making a mistake thinking that one day prince charming will come and be nice, and safe and guide me into the proverbial "sack" ... maybe, just maybe I'm just unrealistic.

So I told him truthfully that I'm deeply confused. I want to get it over with, just do it so I don't feel like a loser cause I'm a virgin, then on the other hand, I know I should'nt feel like a loser, but the thought of sex scares me.

Sorry, but it's true. I don't know what I want anymore.

I asked him, couldn't he tell?? I mean geez, hello. I'm too giggly, not serious enough.

I guess it's just my low self esteem that gets me in trouble. I can't think of anyone wanting me sexually.

It's odd. It can't be true I think. Then I know that I probably couldn't let go and "have fun."

I don't know. I'll leave it at that.

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pet ramps