Today is one of those days that it just seems like dawn all day. It's this dark, gloomy weather. Like it's been 9 a.m. all day.

Some things that happend at work were: someone stole my lunch yesterday; I have a shit load of work to do; am very mad at the company.

I also got called for a job interview in Skokie - for a newsletter, but it's more writing. I had to write a mock article for the man, but I'm thinking even if I get the ok for a second interview, I'll turn it down cause I don't want to just be a writer. Unless they want me to paginate their newsletter too.

So back to the drawing board. That's okay, I wrote that business article and was throughly confused, I didn't like it and the article is just confusing to someone like me.

I'm not the right fit. I hate that term....

I talked to my old boss and he was very good at telling me how it is, and making me think and pay attention to where my life is going.

He's almost like talking to a priest or something, like God or something. I never see him, yet we just talk about how shitty our jobs have become, our career dreams and things like that.

He struck me last night, with a question I myself haven't pondered...what next? It was like he was saying, "Jen you have your experience in, but now what?"

It took me back and I said..."get a new job." He said I have talent in design and he really liked my work. I wanted to say that he should tell everyone there that, but I know how it is.

So I left it at that. He said..."it's a marathon, not a sprint."

That really made me think too. Which is why I enjoy talking to him, he calms me down and makes me feel like I will get out of here sometime. Just how soon, and getting that right fit is my problem.

Oh well, my horoscope says I need to work with people today who'll do the work. Then saying that I don't know how many people are falling in love with me.

I laughed at that one.

I was like, who ... Toto?

So I've been more kind and a bit more spunky anymore. Just like a screw it attitude, fuck it, here I am, now what.

So oh well, I didn't get to the gym yesterday. I know, I know, I felt very guilty, but I didn't get out of work until 6:30 ... and I knew the dog would be flipping out, it was dark out, I was hungry and tired.

Excuses, excuses. So today I am going, not to a class though, just to walk on the treadmill and do a bit of the weight machines. Just something. Tomorrow I am going to a class.

So maybe this will help me out. I tried on my hoop skirt yesterday and felt like a friggin bell. Then realized I looked totally fat in it. I mean I know it's supposed to be big on you, but I couldn't get through a door, it was odd.

I told my dog that I couldn't be a victorian. He just rolled on the hoop skirt cause it's covered in crinolen.

But man, I never felt so big, Jesus, I said to myself in the mirror, wow. I'm fat.

So I told myself, hit the gym! Yes the gym! Eat less, less carbs too!

Tonight I'm making myself dinner - chicken with biscuits.

So that'll be something, at least, to do. I mean I think I'm really missing out on exercise, I thought about doing something exercisey this Saturday to get some exercise in for my missed Monday. The gym is only open until noon on Sat. and I don't think I want to haul ass there to just walk on the treadmill, I might walk outside (depending on weather) or maybe jog in place inside or something, lift weights.

Hum.

I keep wondering if I should go on atkins again, I just can't deal with fucking meat all the time, but still, at least I wouldnt have to count shit like on WW.

man.

Just staple my stomach already, sometimes I wish I could take the easy way out.

Argh.

I just need to get in that gym state of mind where I used to go and not care and just went and knew I must/had to go. I was committed, now I don't know what I am. I'm lazy, that's what.

Excuse queen of denial. I kept thinking how lovely I would look if only I could lose 10 lbs ... before dec. I know that is unrealistic, but fuck, .... man.

Sometimes when I think of how much I have to lose, it's like "why even bother?"

I know I have to lose weight, but it seems like such a feat sometimes, but I suppose if I kept with it, it wouldn't be such a big deal, if I learned to change my life it wouldn't be anything much more than living.

�

pet ramps