Fuck I'm really behind in html. I USED to know it pretty darn well.

Now I'm trying to start up a blog and I cannot for the life of me get it up and running. I download templates, but they aren't really html, but something css or weriod ass shit I haven't heard of...sigh.

Oh well I might just PAY someone to make me a template! Geez Louise, I've spent all day trying to figure it all out.

I know. LOSER. I guess I can always be a thief and copy someone's. ;)

My parents left this morning for Florida and they will be gone for like 3 weeks or something.

Gawd I haven't been ALONE that long in a long time.

I feel like a puppy left alone. I'm all whiney and emotional. I hate being alone.

I mean really, I'm just lonely. I wanted to go out today, but I swear I have NO friends here, so it's just me. I hate that.

Argh. I kept thinking, I want to live alone in an apartment? I just can't see myself living alone in some far off place. I mean okay if I'm NEAR family/friends but like forever away, nope!

I guess I'm a baby, my parents fucked me up by always having people to take care of me throughout my life. I was always babied, so now whenever I'm alone or have to do something on my own, I hate it!

Arghhhh, damn it to hell. I hate feeling like this, really I do. I guess it's better to REALIZE it now instead of lie to myself. I just HATE to be alone.

I really do. I felt like crying all day cause I just miss my parents, the company. Granted my sister said I could come home on Thursday ... stay the weekend, but somehow I just do not want to drive all the way home for Thursday, then leave Saturday. Not to mention, it'll be with the dog!

Naw, that's to much. I figured I could putz around, go to my class Thursday, go exercise. And junk.

I just hate feeling guilty about leaving the pooch here all day by himself. He's not used to that either, so we share in that grief.

I so envy my parents driving there, I LOVE road trips. They are supposed to make it to FL tomorrow, then stay overnight and then go to grandma's.

I was looking around for jobs again, and it feels like there is nothing that fits what I want, or nothing that I seem to fit for. It's strange. I feel so blah. It's like, yeah I could work in Chicago, and take that awful train everyday.

I wish, God please, that my old job would somehow hire me back, or this other paper there. That's what I really want, but that will take FOREVER, if ever, because they're strange. I know I could've gotten that one job, but they said they had to hire internally. But they still have that job posted. So it's like hello! I hate waiting. I really don't want to work in Chicago, but I will if I have to, I'll hate it at first, but will get used to it.

But a job is a job. I was/am thinking about applying at my old college for a secretary job. Yeah, I know a step back in my career, but I could go back to college, get my masters... but even then who'd hire me? It's a weriod thing.

I wish that I had somehow followed in the get married path, I just hate going through my life alone. It's weriod for me to say this, but I realize I am to dependent on my parents, and I should be more out there in my life and living it up. I guess I just keep waiting for this move, this job to make my life fun.

Hum. I feel a bit depressed lately. Lots of near tears time, at work I let one go because I was so upset that my boss is/was over working me and I felt so underappreciated by everyone. Then drop, there went that tear.

I dont' know if anyone saw. I kept thinking when did I get so weepy?

I miss the ol' me with all those dillusions of wanting to be on my own and how when I'd leave here I'd be sooo cool and wonderful and then begin my life.

I just feel like some frumpy, fat, aging, young Blanche (Streetcar named desire).

Granted I'm not a whore, but life slips and runs away every fucking day I'm here, and two years into this hell I feel like I'll just never leave and that makes me weepy.

But I think of leaving my parents and that makes me weepy, I know I HAVE TO because I need to be on my own, I need to grow up.

What exactly do I love here? Having someone cook for me, clean, mail my letters, buy my groceries, gas my car up, take care of dog, so I'll have no worries.

Isn't that sad?

That is exactly what it comes down to.

Oh well my cold is still here and I feel kinda crappy, my nose hurts like I hit it or something. I'm hoping it kicks out before Tuesday, Tuesday is kick boxing!

So...this week, I gotta do the ol' violin stuff, exercise and just chill.

I dunno. I hope my boss lets me leave early tomorrow. I need this mini vacation, although today was extremely LONG being alone and all. I put stuff up on ebay, I said I'd water my plants, but I ...er...haven't. Then I got to work on my blog, which didn't work out, so I'm going to go play a video game. Heheh

I know ... loser .... I think pookie is feeling like me anymore, I think we're so much alike, yet so different.

I know he has relationship problems too, but I think mine are worse, more fucked up. Hell, I don't even know what's wrong with me, I don't know where to begin. Really I don't. I guess back last year when I had made up my mind to see a shrink, I should've went through w/ it. I went as far as the call them, and ask what insurance they take, the woman was helpful, to helpful saying we could work something out.

I kept thinking ... pay money out of my pocket? I can't do that. So I never called back.

I guess I should've, but I don't know how it would've helped me, not when my parents tell me I don't need it.

Sooo...I guess I'm in a rough patch of my life right now, confusion ... mostly.

The bright thing this week was the new worker thought I was 22 or 23. I said 26 and he was like no way. That was lovely.

�

pet ramps