I'm at work listening to my headphones cause the tv is blaring sports and I hate sports.

So I'm listening to my Josh Groban cd...listening to a sad song called "Broken Vow" ...I adore this man, I have to see him in concert. *Sigh* His new cd is coming out soon too!! EEeee!!! I think he's coming to concert in Feb. but there is no way I could go cause er...I can't take that much off work and that's bad snow time.

I can't believe I saw him at my Sarah Brightman concert and didn't even KNOW IT WAS HIM. It was before he got famous, I don't even remember it!!!!

*SIGH* IF I ONLY KNEW THEN.

Okay enough gushing.

I'm still sick, I really hate having colds that linger and go away and come back. My mom says it's "drainage" she has a explaination for everything.

My dog has a cold too, it's werid, I said it's probably SARS cause they found animals can carry that too!! hehe. I was holding him and he was drooling, ew or his nose was running. But he also peed on the carpet and couldn't control himself. I told ma it was because he had to go and no one saw him at the door. I hope I'm right, he doesn't look sick, his breath is raspy cause of his mini cold, but he still plays, eats and goes potty.

Oh well, I'm in my money crunch still, I know I have a LOT OF time to pay off my parents and sister, but I don't like being in that kind of debt, not to mention my fucking car bill.

I've been "budgeting" lately. Which is odd for me to say.... But I paid my sister $100 this month (Oct) and now owe her $422 and I paid my parents $200 this month and now owe them $300, then paid $100 on my VISA, but then used my VISA stupidly to order Yankee Candles! DUHR JEN. Don't know why I did that...I also ordered my violin teachers photos but that was only a measly $5.

Other than this, I want to clear my credit card for my Disney trip as a "just in case I see something I really want" which I doubt, cause I ususally just buy a tshirt or sweatshirt. Then maybe some little trinket like er...something from the countries. Ooh like China, I love there dishes there! I also over buy there, I don't know why, the dishes I buy get lost in the house, I don't even remember where the last ones I bought are. They were these cute dipping bowls that had blow fish on them.

eee.

Oh well, so I'm saving money and have to put up my ebay shit this weekend. I hope grandma gives us $1,000 for Xmas this year again. That'll HELP ME OUT so much. Gawd, I could pay off my CAR with that.

My parents are leaving Saturday for Florida cause Granny isn't doing too good. She keeps saying the end is near, she's giving up. I don't know why, the cancer is in her mid-section, it's just tumors, but tumors that have filled w/ liquid she says she looks 8 months pregnet. She's always been so thin, so it's weriod for her to look "fat" and it's probably horrible for her who's always been thin.

I guess if you live in pain or tired all the time, or whatever I guess maybe you wish for your end to be near. But I can't see wanting to die.

I can't see her dying, the world without grandma? Strange. She's my only grandparent, when she dies, I won't have any grandparents left. That'll suck. I'll miss her a lot.

I hate to hear about her sickness, it's like I wish she could just get better somehow. Maybe she's talking crazy and maybe she's not as bad as she says she is. See we always make things worse then they are, or better than they are. That's just a family trait.

We also, don't like to let our feelings be known, to afraid to, we feel like no one listens to us. I've noticed these things. Our family has little self esteem and we like to bring others down sometimes to make ourselves feel good.

I noticed this, I know all families do this, but I note this, and see, and notice how our family has this running pattern of bad relationships between parents and kids.

Often times things that should have been said have never been said or things that shouldn't be said are. Our family seems the only somewhat normal one, at least me and my sister don't hate each other or hate our parents.

I don't know how we'll all end up. I know my sister will be married before me, my parents will have to accept their son-in-law. They hate him, but will have to accept him nevertheless.

They will retire in Michigan and grow older and soon me and my sister will be coming here to help them sort things out.

Me? I don't know about me. My future is as certain as the wind. I've always hated and loved that. Loved that I can go anywhere and start anew. Yet, I know if I were to go away, I would feel so lost without my family and friends. I seriously have this thing about leaving people. I just hate to be alone, yet I crave it.

I'm weriod I guess. My goal is to move but be close to my family. I think what I really really need is a relationship.

I know I don't need a man to survive or whatever, but I think I need a good, pure relationship to see that there is more than friendship, more than family out there.

I have both, I think I need something outside the realm.

But me, hum, here, the land of NO MEN. Or men who are bums. It's hard, it's why I crave to go home.

At least there, there's a wide variety. There is a lot of selections. But alas' here I am.

Here, stuck. I feel like shaking the bars of my cage. I think if I wanted to, I could get a job perhaps at something lower, an administrative assistant, or something like that. But that's a step down, I don't know where I want to be in my job ... something with design. But I don't know what.

I just wish I could get an interview, maybe I should start calling them and seeing WHY they aren't calling. Something.

I just wish something would come through, anything, anymore.

I just keep waiting, I didn't think I would be here this long.

Oh well, next week I'm going to the gym, it seems when my parents go away I throw myself into stuff, like going to the gym and violin.

I guess it's cause I'm alone and can do whatever I wish, play the violin on my own....

I had to miss tonight, but I feel like I've gotten better recently, I played for my sister and I felt like I did really good.

I dont' know what happend, all of the sudden....hmm. That usually always happens, boom ... I don't mind it of course! Heh

I just hope I fall in love with exercise again, I need it badly to really get this weight off fast, and eat better.

OH YES, note to self, never EVER eat Morningstar chicken pot pies. Yuck, disgusting.

Blah!!! I think I might start up a BLOG, I mean something for like...easier to update or cooler. I love the ones that are short and sweet, something that talks about ONE ITEM not like me who bitches about everything.

Oh well I'm going to miss my parents, I know that's crazy, but they said "we'll probably be gone TWO WEEKS."

OMG!

I wanted to scream. I wanted to say WHAT I THOUGHT we were supposed to go shopping?

Hum, I guess I'll...er be at home on my own. What is SO so SO bad, is that I have next THURSDAY off. What in the hell am I going to do?? Thurs through Sat.! OMG!

I think I'll go to the gym or maybe play the violin, lay in bed all day. Play computer games, clean. Maybe I'll clean out my closet. I always do so much more when I'm alone and stick to things better. I don't know why....???? I guess not being home helps or something, I need to think on this one...hm.

OH RENT MOVIES. That always works. I just hope I have the money :( I have to gas up my car and buy food. Man, being thrown back into being on my own is hard! lol Plus taking care of the dog, which is a blessing and also bad. I feel guilty leaving him, I mean I work all day and come home late. And he's there all by his lonesome, he's not used to that. And then the saddest is that he begins to really follow me around, he loves me more than he loves my mom at the moment.

It's sad.

I mean I'm everything to him. I play with him, I feed him, I take care of him, and I'm like his mommy.

Ug. Then my parents come home and he still treats me like mama, but only for a bit.

*Sigh* I feel like I'll cry when they leave, I really do. I keep thinking about when I move back home (if I ever get a fucking job) and how I'll probably cry all over again.

I've become a very weepy person. What happend?

�

pet ramps