Today was completely a long drawn out day. I went up to town with the parents, we went to a few stores, went to Greasa Hut for lunch. I had a few breadsticks, diet pepsi and I think three slices of pizza. Yeah I ate to much.

I got home and had chili fritos with low fat dip and er ... apple juice and a donut for dinner.

No, not very healthy.

I read a diary of a girl named Jennifer (not me) who lost 80 pounds on WW. But says she has 40 more to go. I read it and felt like hey I could do it, hell she's selling off all her clothing on eBay cause they don't fit.

Then I scroll around, click and read more ebay auctions and there are so many who are selling their pieces of clothing that once was something they wore and probably felt fat in, hated themselves in.

These pieces of clothing are their hallmarks of sad days, self loathing. The seat of those jeans held her once fat ass, they were good enough once and like shedding their skins....

They are selling their skins for others who haven't yet caught on that eating right and exercise will ultimately make you happy ...to us few who are left behind in their dust.

So I buy and bid on their "skins" and I wear them and think that someone was once my size and now a size 20 or lower.

They were once like me, I think.

I think, I could be them if only I tried like them. They make it seem so easy.

And I email them and ask how they did it, and their 8 months of dieting and hard work losing weight is condensed into a paragraph or sentence.

I guess, I want my weight loss to be that easy, something that comes so fast, in a paragraph or sentence instead of a long drawn out thing that takes months to accomplish.

I want their ease of words, I want their auctions, I want to be someone who says, I'm selling these 22/24's because they simply are to big for me, they fall off.

Yeah, that's what I want, and what do I do to get it ... I know the keys, but it's like I'm fumbling around and afraid...no to lazy to get on track.

Most people day dream of financial success or new jobs or stardom, not me, mine are about weight loss and finding that perfect soulmate,that guy who'll love me like mad.

So I figured out my daydreams are telling me what my goals are, what my path is. I foresee me losing weight, then really being me, not shy, quiet Jen in person. Not that girl who doesn't want to go out after work, or that girl who feels embarassed of her size, her looks.

I know I won't be complete unless I lose weight. I know that's silly to say, but these weight loss people are wrong, I think I know how the world works. The survival of the fittest or prettiest. I see how thin people are treated verses myself. I know when I apply for a job, I know what they are thinking. Or when I interview, I see that look on their face, my voice on the phone makes me sound like I'd probably be this little thing, then they meet me and it's like..whoa.

SO I know what I must do. I keep asking, reading, searching for that KEY to it all. It's like looking for the treasure, I've talked to so many who have lost and asked them their secret, they all seem to say the same things, their sites all say the same things, it's rare I find anything different.

Drink your water, keep motivated, exercise. They make it sound so simple, just a one word reply. As if that is all it takes to do any task, when really, I guess there is no reply that works for any one person.

It's something I guess you must figure out.

I just miss people at work telling me how good I was looking.

I haven't heard it in so long, I miss it, it's like a lover that left me, I want it back and maybe I'm afraid of success, or just stupid or not ready for it yet.

I just feel like I have to exercise and eat right and lose just so I can FEEL good about myself.

So Monday, I"m going back to the gym, going to do WW, religiously, see how it all goes. Just to see how it goes. I'm feeling depresses about my job situation suddenly, I'm tired of living in my daydreams. My life in my dreams is so so lovely, though I know it's all fake. I wish it was real. But a piece of me knows it will never be that way, that's why it's a dream...dreams never, ever come out to be as good as you think them to be.

But I'll try.

�

pet ramps