I'm in a better mood today, yesterday I was quite upset thanks to finding out that job I was vying for was given in company to some less-deserving lucky person.

But.

I spoke with an old friend ... who works there who told me of a news design gurl who just gave her two weeks notice in. Ah-ha, I thought as I IM'ed this GOOD friend, I showed him my portfolio of pagination and he thought I did excellent work.

I wanted to say, WELL PASS IT ON, tell everyone there this!

But I didn't. He seemed upset cause he's haten' his job and stuff and asked me not to tell anyone, and I said okay (this diary doesn't count cause ya'll don't know em'! ;) )

Okay, away, I felt happy at that prospect. But still feel sad that I wasn't even able to go home for an interview and that my lil' dreams were all gone in that one email of shit, hate.

But I guess it's for the better, I'm sure working with press releases gets old fast and I'd miss my news design skills. So maybe applying for this new job might work out. I did apply at that competition, but I haven't heard anything whatsoever.

I realized today I've worked here 21 months, and in three months, it'll be 2 fucking years!!! WOW

So I guess this is some type of hope, I was very very very ... well I felt very very good when he told me how good my work was and how he was impressed. He wasn't saying it to be nice either, so that felt so good to hear it other than family or fake folks. Ya know?

I was happy, but like he said ... he doesn't know that gig, but he knows what looks good .... still I was very happy to hear that. I told him that I liked my internship and how he wrote and how I still think of those days.

It was a big GUSH fest, but sometimes you need to hear from an outside source that you're good at something.

I just feel half of the time I'm not GOOD enough for news design. Ya know?

I mean fuck, I'm not asking to do their front page, but give me inside pages and work me up to your level. I must be very careful, very very careful with this resume/cover letter. I'm trying to think of all the things he told me, he said they want to move into a more magazine style ... so, I will be very careful with my words and what I choose to send there.

I'm not sure when to send it, the girls last day is Oct. 17, I believe he said, I don't know if I should send it NOW or wait until they post it....

Even they even do it. I applied to a job in Chicago too for news design - in a magazine...it's entry level.

Who knows, in three months ... 2 years I will be able to say on my resume and not be lying!! lol

Oh well, my darling, lovely papa took all those lovely ebay things I sold to the post office ... I only have two more to sell. I made .... $100 some dollars on it!!! Yes. I have MONEY TO LIVE ON NOW. Well not really, er...violin ... exercise ... well it's nice!

I was looking for more things to sell! lol It's addicting...money....isn't it? Selling clothing is crazy, I swear people will buy anything. THANK God all my auctions sold. I'm trying to think of what else to sell, hum. Maybe some clothing again, people are so fucked up they want to know measurements and shit. Fuck it's a 5 dollar shirt Jesus!

OKAY WW update:

I spent 40 POINTS yesterday!! I know ... it was Big Boy's country fried steak that did me in, that baby was 14 pts alone. So that's like 9 Flex pts.

Today I've used 12 pts already. That's not to shabby I guess, my WW frozen meal was 6 pts. I really like WW meals better than Lean Cuisine... but WW meals are a bit more salty, almost to salty. Though I do love my salt, it's saying a lot when I think it's to much. lol

Still I really enjoy them, I LOVE their pizzas! Damn those are GOOD at 8 pts, my parents bought me a few of em'

Other than this, the parents are on Atkins, kinda sorta, and I'm on WW, so we're all fucked up. There is my bread sittin' there and my WW stuff, I'm making my enchiladas tomorrow again. I fuckin' love em so much I can't wait.

I'm also going to make, er...damn what else was it ... fuck. I had the recipe all ready too. Well, I am going to try another WW recipe. I like cooking some of these recipes, it's so easy and tastes just so good.

Tonight for dinner I'm having chili (I made it, but it's not WW friendly) and a veggie corn dog. The corn dog is low as hell in pts like 3 pts? Or 1? It's so low, I love it.

I'm going to dip it in Chili and then eat the chili! But I"m going to use a small bowl instead of a large bowl, cut back on portions.

So that's all good and well I do FEEL a better, like maybe I have my weight under control, I weighed yesterday and I am at 281, which isn't BAD, since I thought I would be at 287! I was at 284 or something the time I weighed before that.

Monday I begin exercise again...ug! Pay my $40 and then go Monday, Tues, Wed, with Thurs. violin. That's not too bad, I don't go Fridays cause there aren't any classes (unless I want to go in the morning..no thanks).

So it's a quick start, I just really want to get back to 270 again, and then get to 260, then the ultimate 250. So that's 20 lbs I want to lose straight off.

Man me at 250, that will be something, I'm guessing maybe I'll be a size 22 at that point slipping into a size 20 at that point. Who knows.

Okay...let's hope I don't do badly. I do like LUCY helping me out, I mean asking me for points so I gotta do them lol. But I do go home and write it out and look at them and think, I'm doing OK (nix yesterday) so far.

I think when I start to exercise again, I think that's when I'll feel real good and see weight loss. I just have to make myself write down this stuff from now on, if if I write it in here, anywhere, I should also use my pt calculator cause I havent used it at all.

Oh well back to work, it's 1:30 and violin tonight is at 6:30, I really don't want to go...my teachers keep having us memorize this one song, and I just CANNOT memorize it. I don't know why, I have a mental block, for some reason I sit there and want to CRY because I just can't do it. I keep wanting them to just pass this FUCKING song up because it makes me a nervous reck when we're trying and I can't do it.

They know I can't but they still do it. I hate that. Just like when we play a song and I feel like I played real bad and they are like "that was good."

I know I'm a perfectionist. But it's like one of those days I KNOW I'm not going to play well ... I can feel it. I practiced yesterday and had troubles for some reason, and today I feel uptight and nervous and I don't think I'll do all that well. I'll try to FEEL like I can DO IT. But I'm feelin' like ... insecure about it, it's always so bad to fuck up in class, you feel so bad like you let everyone down and ... are the screw up.

I think we're learning the second position today, so maybe it won't be all that bad...let's hope because I'm not in the mood to be stressed out.

Ok 13 pts for today, I had a mini york patty hehehe. MMMmmmmmmm

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pet ramps