Hooray it's an early morning update. I'm oh about two to three hours early today's update.

I woke up tired, I slept really good, but when I got up, I felt like dropping back into bed and sleeping for another two hours.

But I woke up with work on my mind, I hate when I do this, I felt like everything was zooming in my head, got to do this, can't forget that, is my boss mad at me, will I have enough time to finish that section? It went on an on and I couldn't get this out of my head.

I try to leave work at work, but sometimes my mind will not let me.

As I type this I remember I should call court to see what's shaking. *GOOD* I don't have court for two weeks as the judge is on vacation. I feel like that adult ADD commerical, yeah my mind is changing subjects like flipping channels on a tv.

I'm still a bit cranky from yesterday, I was so enraged I could've turned into a rabid animal or some kind. I was just pure anger. I wonder if it's because of pms, getting a cold, stress or being burned out. Maybe a combination.

Today my life's theme is self loathing. I feel so fat, I have a C.J. Banks cords in a size 24 and they are TIGHT.

I got a pair of Lane Bryant slacks/stretch ones and they're tight in the hips like they're fucking exercise pants.

So today I'm loathing myself, I'm wishing I hadn't taken a break in August from exercise, in September my weight came on it seems overnight. In my stomach and abs. I'm sittin' here thinking, this is how fucking fat I was when I came here, this is how fuckin' fat I was last year at this time.

This morning I was listening to the radio, I don't know if it was a song or a commerical, but I heard "we're all guilty of being lazy." Then I realized I'm this way merely because I'm lazy. I've been to lazy to go to the gym, to lazy to take the time to think and eat right.

I won't deny it, it's not like I don't know why I gained weight, it's not some big mystery.

So anyway, I'm trying to get back on, I had a piece of toast for breakfast, lunch is a WW pizza meal, and I did points on my popcorn (zero) and mary jane candy I have in my desk (5 pieces for 3.5 points).

My parents are going back on Atkins, which bites because that means MEAT meals, and seriously I'm tired of meats, not to mention, I don't want to eat a big ass hamburger patty w/o a bun for dinner. I'll have to make my own food now, or go shopping or eat a frozen meal.

I really really like those morning star vegetarian meals, I've had their corn dogs so far and they were fantastic. Their fake veggie hot dogs TASTE like real hot dogs. I also have Boca burgers in the freezer, I haven't dared touch them yet. I also have a morning star chili/cornbread thing. No meat, so I wonder how that'll taste.

It's like I know how to eat right, but then I have my downfalls of night binging. I eat OK in the day, here at work, it's a controlled environment, at home, it's like did Dad buy donuts ... did Mom make candy ...? I drank two glasses of chocolate milk last night, I adore chocolate milk now for some reason. I guess liquid chocolate and lovely milk.

Milk, skim, is 2 points per cup on WW. That's hard for me cause I adore skim milk. I've been trying to get off pop, I'm going to try to drink more water, I'm trying, I really am.

I made my enchiladas (WW recipe) and they are fantastic, although Dad bought that damn full fat cheddar.

I should cook more WW recipes, they are easy and taste good. It's just the lazy factor that gets me, and the don't wanna measure it...thinking it's all two points isn't right.

So portion control is another thing I have to concentrate on.

Plus next Monday I'm going back to the gym, draggin' ass back. I already get out of breath going up stairs, I'm going to practically DIE in these classes. Yeow. I mean talk about out of shape suddenly!! I'm feeling that LAZY feeling that I don't want to go, that tired, just-let-me-go-home, feeling, when before I was excited about going.

I need to get that GUILT feeling when I felt like I had to go.

I guess I shouldn't have held out for that fucking job at home because I could've began exercising in September and probably not have gained like this.

But I was stupid, I know. I can't put a hold on my life because of some stupid false reality, some day dream.

Okay well that's enough of an update, there is a car accident that I might have to run off to. Fuck. Where is that GOD damn new boy, that's HIS beat, why do I find myself doing HIS FUCKING JOB.

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pet ramps