I thought I would do a quicky update cause I haven't updated in a couple of days. At work the internet has been down for about two days, so no internet fun for me.

Yeah I actually had to work. It was really no fun without the net. I mean I couldn't download any AP graphics or any clip art/photos for my special sections. So that has SUCKED, especially with a section that is coming up....

I've been slackin' lately, in my job, my life, diet/exercise, and everything in general.

I practiced the violin today, yeah I hadn't practiced in oh about a week. I began pretty shitty, but ended okay. My mom says I play smoother. To me, the perfectionist, all I hear is the mess ups.

So er, I'm trying to memorize some songs, I have a really hard time memorizing songs that I don't want to, or that are to complicated. I know three songs by heart, which is good, but they are very easy ... I've gotten a bit of Jolly St. Nick memorized, but again it's pretty simple.

It's hard to explain to people how it's easy or hard, I sit there saying "yeah well I put down my two fingers, but ... oh never mind."

I was watching Jeopardy and they had a section on about pianos, oddly enough I could answer all the questions, so my learning in violin has really come into bloom, especially when I can tell what chord is being played.

People at work say ... "she's the musical one. That's your dig."

When did this happen? I cannot help it, I love my violin, I love the mystery ... people who think it's so very hard, and to me, it's come okay so far. I keep hitting walls, but finding myself going over them.

I said I'd never learn to read music, now I'm reading it like a champ. I'm very proud of that hurdle.

But regardless, people say violin is the hardest to learn, what is so hard, I have found, is hitting the right key and keeping the bow running smoothly.

Bowing is what makes it hard, that is what I believe. Yeah I can put my fingers down wrong, but it only takes a second to fix, the next note, but the bow, it's what I have problems with. Not to mention my hand/holding the violin.

Today I held it perfectly straight, before I kept cradling the neck of the violin in my palm, but you're not supposed to because your fingers have to be free to move all over. SO I had my hand straight as a stick, and then played for a while. I did play better with it like this, but my thumb ached straight down to my elbow. I think I've hurt my hands lately, my wrist hurts as I type this. I know I hurt/sprained the one recently lifting something in an odd way.

It's funny, I look at my hands and feel they are my most important thing. I type with these, I rug hook with these, I design pages with these, I play the violin with them.

I wonder what I'd do without them, it scares me. I paint with them, god what would I do?

Hum. I don't know why it amazes me, then I regret the times when I had my fake nails on (oh did I love them) and wasted their use.

I never wanted to fuck up my nails, so I wouldn't do clay, paint, get my hands dirty. Gardening? Yeah right. Now they are rugged, they do it all.

So anyway, I cooked lunch and dinner today, then cooked some cookies. I was in a mood, it was nice to relax all day. I made this noodle box shit for me and mom for lunch, it was very salty, I haven't eaten any boxed meals lately, especially noodles. It was kind of sickening how salty it was. I try to still stay away from noodles, they do have way to much carbs. Later on I made a bag of popcorn and took a bowl and gave the rest to mom. Then dinner was a WW recipe - enchiladas, fat free shells (I love them, you can't even tell), fat free refried beans, taco seasoning, tomato sauce and then cheddar. Dad didn't buy fat free/low fat cheese, so that was the only fattening thing.

It was tasty to say the least. I love WW because of these recipes that actually TASTE good. Not like Atkins when every meal I made tasted like SHIT and cost so much money to make - ala my cheeseburger soup, which was SO bad I dumped it in the back field...I swear the devil reached up and took this horrible soup down to hell.

The cookies I made are NOT low fat, they are high fat, greasy wonders. I really wanted chocolate, and made these, I think I ate more dough than actual cookie. I'm tired of them now.

I've had like three glasses of skim milk today and then apple cider. Man I'll be up all night. But I guess these drinks are better than pop.

I'm trying to ween myself into dieting again, I cannot believe how I've let myself go and just continue to do bad. SO I'm returning to exercise and diet. I go back with my head hanging down, draggin my gym bag behind me in some kind of embarassed defeat, or guilt, or something.

I applied to that other job, sent out that resume - and now it's the waiting game again. Oh well.

For some reason, I have that feeling something is coming again. For some odd reason my "psychic" abilites have been high lately. I know that's fucked up, I don't believe in that stuff, but it's been so uncanny lately. I scared my mom with it, and then again today, it happend that I knew something wasn't right suddenly.

It scared me, I guess it's just something by concidence. It's been very uncanny though, like how did I know this.... I just knew it, but my boss says I should follow my intuition more, so I've been doing that.

I guess it's a good thing...er...hum. But I feel lately something is coming, like it's right behind me. Like here, but waiting in itself for something. It's hard to explain, like it's breathing in my ear, ready to pounce, but waiting for something to trigger it, like choking and tightening and tightening until it snaps. I dunno, I hope it's not bad, yet I know something's bad near me.

I swear, it's that new boy, there is something wrong with him. There is sirens going off in my head about him, there's something not right. My boss has realized this too, I can see it in his face. This boy isn't right, the way he talks to people, he's rude and there is something that isn't right. I stay away from him.

Regardlessss there is my stupid observations about whatever. Who knows if I'm right, it's all in my head. Maybe it's halloween coming up that has me up in arms. What is also strange, I swear it's the full moon, is mom felt someone touch her today. We think grandpa's here - ghosty grandpa - because I've been touched, mom has and grandma has been touched.

Not sexual touched, but on your shoulder or back.

I felt it twice, in my bedroom I woke up and layed there and felt someones hand on my back. It wasn't scary, but a comforting "it's okay" type hand. It did that twice. Then my mom felt today someone touch her shoulder. imaginations. Grandma felt the hand on the back thing.

We think it's grandpa, his ashes are here, maybe he's waiting for grandma. Unless it's in all three of our imaginations!!

Oh well pooks is on wanting me to talk to him on the phone, and my sister is almost here, so I'll end this so I can get on with life.

I hope my auctions sell good. I need the cash, I just paid $200 on my visa, so it'll get down, and next month I'll put $200 on it again,then only have $100 to pay. Then it'll be down! Yes.

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pet ramps