I figured I would just do a quick update cause, er. I never got time to update today. I always write it out then I have to leave or something comes up and blamo it's deleted.

So I'm writing in an AOL email, so er, it's more "private" and I can type in 8 pt font, ala you cannot see it across the room! :) I'm so wily.

Today was a slow and fast day. A lot was accomplished. I got done all my sections, thinking I would have zero time, I am proud that it's all finished. It's funny cause it looks like I do a lot of planning and shit, when in fact I've rushed through it all and fast and accurately and creatively did it all single handedly. This always gets the ol' boss mushy and teary eyed that he can depend on me to get it all done and no one has to worry about it nor lift a finger.

They are just there to point out what I did wrong and what I should change. Which always is very hard for me to take cause I want to say bitterly, "well you didn't even fucking help so you ain't got shit to say." But I half smile and say "okey dokey." Though I don't mean that, I just want to say go away, let me do my own thing.

I'm getting into that arrogrance way, that I know I can do it right, why do I have to ask the higher ups for their approval, type of poisoned mind set that will eventually bite my ass in the end. I've been trying to stop this way of thinkin'.

So anyway, I feel so...nervous, stressed, so very scared that this job isn't calling me, or contacting me. I know they said "one to two weeks at the most" but it's nearing the end of two weeks and it's like...um...hello? I suppose this is how Girlie felt when she had that interview and then the guy poo'ed around on her, etc. It's really a bad sort of feeling, you're not sure whether to feel positive or negative, it's more of a mixture of the two. But for me I always take the negative side and then remorse and try to be positive in a sarcastic manner.

Regardless, I try not to think on it, and have pretty much stopped "dreaming" of it all, of what I'd do, etc. So that's okay I guess, more healthy I suppose mind-set wise. I just applied for a job in Northbrook, IL and am going to apply for another in Chicago soon, actually there are two I can apply for, but I just haven't felt up to doing the whole cover letter, resume, samples thing. It just takes so friggin much time and you feel like why bother when they won't call, or how you stress to make it perfect so at least you've a chance.

So anyhow I'm just going to float by. I skipped exercise entirely this week, I figured I'd save that $40 bucks cause I don't want to waste money at this point thinkin' that if I do get an interview, I'd try to go next Friday, therefore wouldn't really want to spend that moola ... you know...? But as always I'm counting my chickens before they hatch.

I think my goal is to write better now, I keep thinking of if I go back to college, I want to have my grammar better and my skills better. My boss always says I write to technical, to straight foward, and need to write more like I'm talking to someone, more loose and to write and explain everything like to a fifth grader. But I guess he doesn't realize that when I write for the court, I don't want to embelish or flourish because it's a serious thing, and I can't think of ways to write about these sad lives ruined by stupid mistakes and be cute, funny and ironic.

I try though, but sometimes it's hard on deadline and sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I come back from a case and am emotionally drained from it, stress, nervous from these people whose lives have come to this, and who pour out their personal stuff in court. Right in front of you, the air thick with uneasiness and fright, it gets hard to swallow sometimes.

Then my own insecurities, I feel suffocated sometimes with everything in my life. But I guess this is anyone, I'm trying to become one of those people though, that everyone likes is admired, respected, and all that jazz, I know it sounds strange, but that's what I aim for. I've always been overly ambious in my life, I'm guess I'm used to getting what I want and throwing a pitch fit when I don't.

Which is why I throw a pitch fit all the time about my weight, it's so hard to see all these things I want, all this beautiful thin people clothing that I desire and know I can't have cause I'm not that size. I just cannot buckle down right now in my life to concentrate on weight loss with so many other things happening, juggling it all, something has to drop and currently it's myself.

I also stopped going to rug hooking classes because it's just a waste of my time to go for 20 minutes and do nothing but hook. So I stay at work. Exercise class is to much as well, but I do want to begin it again, or walk outside or something fitness wise, or at the very least eat correctly on WW. But how much is that asking? I also wish I could give up violin, I mean just the classes. I know that's horrible, I need them, I cannot learn on my own. But they stress me out so much, I mean just sitting there and playing and feelin' like a fool when I mess up. I know we all mess up but it seems I'm the one anymore who gets lost and who is messing up.

I keep thinking and last time I swear I screwed up at least 3 times, where we all stopped and had to begin again. I'm not sure what type of patience they have for me sometimes. I'm supposedly the best in the class playing wise, but I sometimes don't feel that way. Last time two of the women said I did so well, but I know I didn't I kept fucking up and knew I did and knew this wasn't my best.

Yet I had a golden moment playing when my violin sung for the first time. It was lovely, it was showing off to the class, it was so loud, I mean you could hear it above the 3 other violins. That's how loudly it sang. It was lovely, completely golden and I was very proud, although that moment lasted for only a few moments, it was encouraging. Because I'm a nervous player, you can tell when a violinst is nervous in their music and mine sounds very very unsure. I can hear it, I can hear it in others. It's all in the bowing, your hand, arm, being rigid cause you're so uptight about playing. My teachers always say I need to relax, but I laugh with my job? With this class? Relax? Ha.

Still I'm still astounded by that last class, man alive, the way it played, I'm still shocked at it, like I was doing a solo, perhaps that is what that girl next to me heard. I tried to silence it's loud tone, but I told myself no and just kept sawing away. I suppose it's like a "break through" of sorts because I've gotten better with my crazy bowing habits, but still have slight problems. So...okay tomorrow watch me do horribly. lol Which is probably true, I did practice today and I think I did advance again somehow, I easily played the eigth notes when before it was jerky and horrible. So I cleaned the bow, waxed up my violin and bow and then shined the silver on my bow's frog, so it's all pretty, I even cleaned the strings off so they wouldn't get rosin build up. *sigh*

Anyway, lets pray I get called or emailed this week. I feel something werid is going on about it, or I'm being paranoid.

Anywho, I need to think on weight loss when I get over this moment in my life...this job, and work, and darn it, I've begun clenching my teeth again, I do this a lot when I'm nervous - ala' headaches galore, I used to bite the sides of my mouth (still do sometimes) but the dentist hollared at me...so I began clenching my teeth! Damn!

�

pet ramps