There is this crazy, neurotic woman who works with me. She's old like in her late 60's, she dyes her hair although this week she's wearing a hat cause her hair is growning out or something; and she's a perfectionist, neat freak.

She's been married twice and treats her current husband like shit. He's originally from Indiana and you can tell because he reminds me of my grandpa. He's quiet and has a way about him that spells out years gone by.

But she's rude and she's from Michigan and she hates Indiana.

I'm from Indiana and she just paraded her two grandchildren into the office just now and they asked what she does, she spells out her job title as if an adult just asked her, her grandchildren aren't cute and I hope they don't take over her neurotic neatness and meanness.

She says that every food dish in Indiana has chicken broth in it. She's a "vegetarian" though I saw her eating a turkey sandwich a month ago.

I really, really need to get out of here because I got into work and my boss's wife is tellin' me about how she made the tank top she's wearing, but it was supposed to be a dress, but she cut it off. She goes on to tell me about how she ruined her shoes walking up a sand mound and then tells me about this prayer service for local agencies ....

What is so bad about these times is I just don't care.

One of the reporters tells me about his diabetes, he said he spoke with my dad and I don't recall my dad's blood count and I think that maybe it would be funny if I knew my dad's blood counts, his weight, and all that kind of stuff no one really knows about their family members.

My dad beat diabetes by losing weight and got off the medication and this reporter says it's very comforting to know that it can be done, that he's not alone.

And I think to myself, I hope you feel better by this fact, I can tell you've thought long and hard on it, and I know I'm disappointing that I dont' know daddy's medical file anymore than I know my own. I can see his eyes glaze over and he almost says that I probably should watch for diabetes too.

My boss asks if I am rested up, I say 'not really' he says "what?" I say, "yes a little."

He says he doesn't understand my Indiana words, whatever that means. They don't know 'yeah' or 'naw' or 'nope' here.

The night editor is complaining about another co-worker, then another co-worker.

I just don't feel like dealing with this today, so I'm meek and lay low with yes, oh really? Wow, that sucks...kind of conversation. What I'm really thinking about is leaving here.

My boss says that new boy they hired last week hasn't called since last Wednesday and that if he doesn't respond Monday, he will 'let him go because we're not doing this.' This boy also signed papers he wasn't supposed to, the boss said don't sign those papers and he went and signed those papers like an ass.

So this young boy, this boy whose resume reads him as editor of his college paper, thinks he is the shit, like he knows it all in the newspaper world. Reminds me of myself, like I used to be, so stupid and full of false confidence.... He will learn like I have and like I continue to learn about jobs and life.

But what I miss sometimes is when my life seemed so simple, it had a direction. Like in school, you just wait to get out so you can go out into the world, but then you're in the world and so confused and you don't know who you are and not sure you'll ever know. I don't feel young anymore and am afraid of getting old and letting life pass me by.

So anyway, it's a rainy, gray day and I was happy with this because we need this rain so badly!! I've been watching our pumpkin vine spreading out rivers from the Grand Canyon over the back yard. I'm happy that I planted this, well actually unintentionally planted it, last year as I tossed it in the decomposition pile.

So I'm happy to see the six plus green pumpkins sticking out and hiding under the giant leaves, one is turning yellow already. Dad said the squirrels should be at em' soon. But I hope not.

Anyway, I thought this morning about my job and read my 'business' horoscope for next week. It said Monday was good for a career change if I was thinking about it. Shocking, but who can believe those? I wish she would call for an interview, but at the same time, I'm afraid I'll interview and not get the job. I know I have a lot more gold stars than other who are trying for it, but still...I thought last night ... what will be my reaction if I don't get it?

What if I do? I thought of myself screaming in joy. And if I don't get it, I will be like 'I knew it!' ... then a crashing sound will be played in my mind as all these little dreams I've built around this job will be crumbling....

Soo.

It sucks, really sucks. I hate waiting, but also savor the fact of the unknown and how that cannot hurt me. I just pray some asshole with 5 years experience hasn't applied. I say and feel not alot applied due to the short duration, and also this 'hidden' posting. I believe maybe you'd have to be web-savvy as me, who is psycho about checking for jobs weekly on Thursday, Friday and Sundays, hell throughout the week! lol

So I don't know how to feel anymore I just wish it would come quickly so I can tell people for certain I DO have an interview instead of this...I think I've an interview type of bs. But also, what will be difficult is getting HOME for this, leaving work Thurs. for a Friday interview with little time to fuck around, not to mention I haven't been dieting what-so-ever!! I've been a bad, bad girl anymore with my eating. Hello Jen, what are you thinking?

So tomorrow I'm planning on going to exercise. I have my clothing packed and checked my bank account and I've enough to pay for a month in exercise - $40. This of course...is all in the hopes that I won't be to caught up in going to court, and fuck, paginating and doing a special section.

I really hate doing all of this work, I have zero time anymore. I cannot remember when I have free time, I'm always going from one to the other, with no breathing room. It's strange to think of going to a new job with only one task, and not 10. Just do THIS, and your hours at 9 to 5. Not 10 to 6 or 3 to 11. I'm talkin' set hours. I think of resigning and how my boss will take it, I plan my letter and my actions, I have four days vacation left so I don't have to do a full two week thing...I pray somehow my boss won't treat me like shit cause I'm leavin. Because guess what, I'm not coming back to train anyone and I'm not going to work my fingers to the bone my last days here because he is 'punishing' me - he did that to the last reporter that quit. So ......

I really gotta buckle down anymore, with dieting and stuff. I just wish I could get ON with my life instead of waiting for a job at home as my major life change.

I'm tired of waiting, that it what it is, tired of trying to fucking hard all of the time and trying to please everyone and then telling myself my turn is coming when it feels like it never will come. Like I'm in some hamster wheel, like I'm some waitress serving up everyones food and not taking a lunch break myself.

It's crazy. I just want out, I need a major change. My parents bother me anymore and I want to say just fucking leave me alone, but I don't want to seem mean and 'ungrateful' as they always call me.

But sometimes dad fucks with me to piss me off and he thinks he's funny and slick. And I completely hate him for that because I don't like being fucked with about stupid shit.

Then mom acts mean to me for no reason and gets this 'I'm big and bad and mean, try me' attitude and it's like what is wrong with you?

Just leave me be. And then I think of moving home with my sister, we get along, but I don't want her to fuck me over with rent or feel uncomfortable because her boyfriend is there constantly.

I just feel like, where is my happiness? Where will I feel like me, or know what I want out of life? I guess this is one of those 'finding yourself' type of things. I just feel lost and maybe one day I'll find what I really want and be plainly happy with myself instead of feeling constantly like changing myself and feeling like some slob.

Oh well I've a nasty headache, they run the a/c here to much, it was humid in here and now it's getting cold. So no wonder I get a runny nose and headache most of the time I'm here.

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pet ramps