I'm at work feelin' a bit bummed cause I felt so sure I'd get called on my ol' cell phone for an interview somewhere.

You know those feelings where you think something good is gonna happen to you today.

So...yeah no calls. My mom swears that that little survey they sent me from the Rockford job is a "sign" cause "no one has done that before...." I reminded her that at Purdue/College they would send me one of those everytime I applied for a job.

But no, she says, "yeah, but no one has done that before!" So it goes in circles, then she says I have a bad attitude, I say I don't want to get all excited about nuthin.

So I said I'd email the place to ask if they need addition information, but it's really seeing if they're even considering me. How evil us job seekers are!!

Oh well, I sent the TIMES one out yesterday, which means it went out at 5:30 this morning, so it'll be there...Thursday most likely. They are only accepting resumes until Friday the 12th, so thankfully I saw that job ad when I did cause they just put that baby up last week! We'll see on that one, I know the woman who's interviewing personally, I just hope she remembers me....

Anyway, my parents are acting goofy when they think of the prospects of me leaving. I get funky about it too cause I feel like I built a life here, or the beginnings of one and it is scary to pick and start over again...and probably again.

So...they are acting like it's coming, and I'm feeling like maybe it's coming cause I'm not happy with my gym anymore, tired of my violin teachers, tired of living at home and tired of making such low pay that I cannot move out.

I was so very happy to learn about that one job, it had EVERYTHING there for me, close to home and all that jazz. This job, should I NOT be called (hope will fade by this time probably next week) I will actually be upset cause it just seemed so perfect, like everything was set except actually getting the job!

So upsetting, let me tell you. I know, I shouldn't rule it out, but I also shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch...or was it count my eggs before they hatch...how about count my popcorn kernels before they pop??

So I'll try to not let it bother me, although it gets hard sometimes. If I had to describe how I feel in my life right now, it's frustration. Pure and simple.

My boss gave me more work to do, tellin' me that I can take Tuesday off after I finish Benzie's paper..ya right, that'll go over well....sure.

He also told me something kind of fascinating. He said "I don't know how to read you...if you're happy or sad...I just don't know how to read you...and you don't tell me how you're feeling either...I need to know."

I always thought I wore my emotions on my sleeve, but I suppose I have my mom's trait of acting like everything is okay though inside it's not but I can't see a way to say "yes, I'm unhappy here because you don't pay me enough, you don't appreciate all that I do or others here and your mood swings, making me feel like trash sometimes...that's how I really feel."

I somehow don't think that would go over well. So I smile and say everything is fine, I'm okay, are you okay? I lie.

I guess that is my mom. She gets mad at me, and will bottle it up, smile say it's all okay then one day BLOW UP and revert back to some psycho state and scream and hollar at me, calling me names and making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, instead of being like a normal person and calling someone down then and there for "upsetting" them or whatever.

Mom says I'm disrespectful, but I say she is with her attitude. She always says I should know how lucky I am, I say you should know how lucky you are since I'm not a whore, don't do drugs, etc. They just don't understand, stubborn, and I pray I'm not like that.

So anyway I'm awaiting this guy to bring in a photo cd, and he hasn't come yet and I'm getting mildly worried. I figure I'll just call him at 3 ish and ask politely if he has forgotten. I know he must think our paper is stupid since no one thinks of saving last years photos from festivals...but of course our paper has NO archives, nothing. It's sad cause so many good things get deleted. I try to salvage a lot of it cause I know should I be here next year, or someone else be here next year, I don't want them or myself to have to go crawling to the local chamber of commerce for photos and the like, it sucks, you feel stupid cause as a paper YOU should have this info.

Oh well, my head hurts - major headache for some reason. I haven't lost anymore weight, although I think I might weigh tomorrow cause I keep going to the bathroom like a mad woman.... I had a WW pizza pocket today, there were two in the package, I thought it was like a tv dinner, so that fucking sucked ASS cause one of them is 6 pts. I thought on eating the other one, but 12 pt lunch is just to much. So I threw it in the freezer for tomorrow and had some fruit. I figured later on I would make some of my 2 pt popcorn (yum!) but now I'm not going to make that popcorn cause they are having a party for the reporter that is leaving...and they have cake...so I'll have a tiny piece.

So I wonder just how well I'm doing on WW, I must learn portion size, and though I am writing down what I eat, it's not very good cause I dont' total my points, etc. It's just writing down what I eat and it's like...okay why am I doing this when I have my pt. calculator? I don't mind it really, so good so far, Atkins really fucked me up and now I feel like this diet is very do-able.

I read a lot on people who've done so great and they make it seem so easy, you see they lost 10 pounds in a month and you think, that's not bad, it seems easy...but when you're actually doing it, it seems so slow.

I wonder if my flexpoints have been renewed for this week, I'll have to check my ol' calculator, I think I began ww ... on a Thursday?

But so far today, I had two pieces of toast w/ peanut butter 3 pts. that ww thing at 6 pts and fruit at, I think one point....so I'm doing okay. I feel good to say the least, but also feel like I'm not eating healthy or something, maybe atkins did that to me.

I do, love, having Fat Free chocolate jello with ff cool whip....omg that's heaven in a bowl...like 2 pts per cup or something like that...man alive.

Okay, so I begin exercise in like a week and a half, it's hard to believe that they fucked up these classes and I only can take like two classes, one step on Monday, one weight lifting on Wednesday and then probably Friday morning step even though I'm not a morning person...I really HATE this fucking schedule. I think they are going to lose members because I know I cannot attend classes in the mornings....

So that upset me a lot yesterday, but today I'm just happy they are beginning and I'll take what I can get. I might just go in there for a bit now and then...but we'll see how my life is going. I want to start a new rug hooking thing since I just finished my first piece. Now I'm itching to begin my second one. I want to make one for grandma and I'm thinking about getting another chair pad and doing that for her. God I still have to sew the binding on the one I just finished...oh me oh my. I really don't like this binding part, it takes so fucking long. I guess I'll do that tonight while I'm in bed. There is wool all OVER my bed, little pieces I've snipped off, it's kinda weriod to find green, red, black pieces of wool.

Okay enough blabbing, I've got to get to work, funny today is Tuesday and it feels like Monday...I go back to violin classes on Thursday...I'm scared cause I'm probably going to be behind and I haven't been practicing all that much .... not to mention I bruised/twisted my wrist on Sunday by almost knocking a lmap over and then catching it weriodly and twisting my wrist. It hurts now as I type, but I still will practice tonight, it just is slightly swollen and a bit stiff. ug. Thank god it's not the left hand where you have to stretch your fingers in a weriod position to play the strings...no my right bowing wrist is the bad one....that's not to bad.

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pet ramps