I thought I would make up a brief update since I'm ready for bed time.

I got my Weight Watchers 2004 kit in the mail today! About time huh. So I read through it all day and feel like I can do it, but I am a bit nervous about the whole thing for some reason.

Today went by slow, everyone was in a bad mood. I did get to go buy (well Dad bought it) yarn for this scarf that my mom is making me. It's one of those thin, long scarfs...the yarn was $10 a roll! I got three of em' and dad was like "don't tell your MOM what we paid..." I wanted to say, "well that's why I only wanted TWO and you said three...."

I also went shopping Wed. I don't know if I mentioned that...but I bought $191 in clothes at Lane Bryant - fall clothing that is two pants, four tops, with half off... so that was nice. I also bought $30 in art supplies - mom told dad to pay for it, but I said NO I'll write a check..and I did and DAD got mad at me and MOM got mad at him, and I wanted to cry cause I realized I just dropped like $200 of money I should be saving....

I've painted some of the ornaments that I want to sell on ebay. I'm not sure what profit I'll even make since ... well I don't even want to sell them, they are so cute, but hell I think I'll just see what they go for. I'm thinkin' $6 a piece isn't to shabby if I can get that at least. Who knows.

But I also ordered my winter coat today since tomorrow is 62 degrees here, they say fall will come early and winter will be bad this year. Ug. I hope not, I'm hoping I'll be GONE by then. Just hoping...but I ...well nevermind.

I think that Rockford, IL job I applied for got my resume today. It would be SO lovely to move there, I looked on the net and found a violin teacher there, a good gym there, a nice apartment there and even a rug hooking shop there! I mean wow!!

But I feel kinda WERIOD about that since...well, er...that's a major change and it hurts to think of me being on my own. My ma said "just think, it's just you without us taking care of you..." Oh thanks ma.

But not like I have an interview yet...so let's stop dreaming there Jen!

My MOM pissed me OFF today because I said "God I can't wait to start Weight W-, I just need to lose weight...blah blah blah."

And she said something like "what makes you think you're going to lose weight, or this one is it?"

I said "THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT MOM, Jesus Christ."

She was all quiet and I was waiting for her to burst into tears and call ME a bitch and ungrateful daughter, lazy and whatever else she seems to call me whenever she's been busted for saying fucking RUDE SHIT and MEAN things to me.

I'm still hurt by that, how rude.

Later on she said "well you look like you've lost weight...you've had to because of your period..."

Wow full of compliments today. I said "yeah."

So I feel strangely angry and upset anymore, ... like DESPAIR-ing.

Like...upset that Rockford JOB might not call me when it seems SO perfectly laid out for me...hell the town has a huge Swedish population - and I'm of very very Swedish heritage! (Great Grandfather came from Sweden)

It seems so perfect...everything just seems to want to fit so great..but......yeah...no call yet.

OKAY I feel weriod now about leaving here, like I've been WANTING this for SO long, but the thought of it scares me a little...to be on my own.... No one to give a SHIT if I'm there, or to cook or help with laundry?? I mean I kind of was hoping to move back in with my sister where I know I'd have that support, but I guess living on my own would give me a stark dose of reality - then maybe I could FIND SOMEONE to fill that void....

I'd be okay since Rock- is only about 2 hrs from home?

No interview yet, .... okay no more talk of this.

WW tomorrow, points counted, weight...oh GOD my weight, is so bad, I mean bad. I start exercise next week, violin too, rug hooking too...all of it all over again. I can do this, I must do this cause I have some new clothing that won't fit this fat body if I don't do something now.

Okay bed time.

Pooks did lie about that job, it's Sept. and he acts like he never even said it, he's barely even working now so bad his dad pays all his bills. Why did he have to lie to me...? I don't understand, just to hurt me cause he knows how hard I'm looking????? I don't understand.

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