I suppose I should update here. I mean to today, but never found the time.

It's funny when you come back to work after vacation, it's like you get so much shit loaded on you again, it makes you wonder why the hell you even took a vacation.

My boss told me one of the reporters has quit. This is bad bad news, he was a great reporter, and covered things and did a lot. Now it's back to two reporters and myself who is a part time reporter, part time paginator. That's it, no others. We seriously need three reporters plus me. I know I don't, well am not a good reporter, I don't have that drive, or maybe I'm to shy to go up to people ... well not shy maybe snobby, arrogant, scared.

Today I went to a house fire and my boss watched as I stood there waiting to talk to the fire chief, I could feel him thinking "she's to shy, she shouldn't be a reporter."

He told me before in so many words I didn't have that drive, was to shy ... and majorly, why are you even a reporter?

It makes me want to say, I don't know what I'm good at, I can write...I can paginate, but I'm not excellence in both....just okay in each.

Oh well I did send out three resumes this past week. But I don't expect to hear from em'. I don't mind either, with my schedule I can't imagine having to plan a escape home for an interview...not this week at least.

But as I always say, my phone isn't exactly ringing and all those news reports saying the jobs, the economy is on the rise is fucking lying. It's anything but!

Regardless.

I still have my 'monthly' it's nuts again. I had an "accident" on my sheets this morning. I asked mom to please toss my sheets into the washer and she had to ask "do you still have your period?" I wanted to say why can't you fucking just let it go and not have to embarass me. I said "no my pad shifted okay?" I said easily and annoyed.

Jesus Fucking Christ, I hate that.

I got to eaten badly the past few days. I keep waiting for my Weight Watchers kit, supposedly it's supposed to come this week.

It's weriod I'm in a quasi Atkins, WW mode. I mean I'm drinking milk now. Yummy skim milk, I adore it, but I know once my little WW kit arrives my eating will be changed. I'm happy at the same time afraid of having to change my eating habits once again.

I've been trying to drink more water...but sometimes I just don't want water.

I've been like my stupid sister and am skipping exercise until my period is over, I just cannot handle that right now, not to mention I have about two weeks until Sept. and I'm not paying $40 for two weeks.

ANYWAY, I keep thinkin' about that house fire I went to today, I walked up watching two cops trying desperately to open the fire hydrant. It occured to me there is no fire hydrants where we live because everyone has well water, what would happen if our house caught, I wondered.

Then I strolled across the street, and it was surreal as I stopped because there was a little river of water coming from the fire hyrdant that was just beginning to come undone, the water was in a few meanders and one large river was going down the street, I looked down at it for a moment and it was completely something that was kind of beautiful. It was strange, rushing water that I jumped over, then noticing tremendous smoke and fire and you see how things quickly go up in smoke. Then I noticed how the smoke was coming from every crack in the house, I thought for a moment it might blow up. Then the firefighters smashed windows, which was cool in a way to hear that glass tinkling down, falling and twinkling and showing those below.

Then the smoke, the heat comes your way, and you stand there and watch them fight it and see them wrangle it and they look at you like you shouldn't be there.

But this one was easy because it was a vacant house, or else the owners would be hollaring at me, crying and hating me.

That's why, I don't want to be a reporter, people hating you.

Most people don't understand this...but having people come up to me and say such mean shit without evening thinking about how horrible they are...it's just wrong....

It's like I'm doing my job, and I never bothered them, never even spoken to them, yet to waltz up and say all this mean shit like I'm nothing...it's like fuck this, they don't pay me enough to deal with that.

I don't want to deal with that anymore. I suppose if I was like the other reporters and report on fucking flowers and blue skies I'd be safe.

But

My boss says that's why I'm good, I'm stone faced, emotionless...yet I wonder if he realizes that in side I'm a big mess.

That's why I hate going on accident or fire runs, there in the mist of the chaos, pain, emotion is a little reporter poking her camera out and writing down information.

There must be an invisible sign that says 'here vent on me you'll feel better.' I guess maybe I should be happy that I take their attentions off of their problems for a moment to pin that anger on myself...but I still don't like it.

Which is why I hate that my coworker quit, he was the cop, fire run, accident run person. And now that he's gone, it's no holds bar, it's thrown back on me again....

It also sucks my coworker got another job and I haven't. That sucks. I feel like I should be next to go.

But in some unknown peaking order, I'm still waiting in the wings. And my mean little mind keeps saying I'll never escape because I'm just not as good as I think I should be. Like I'm out of my league and I wonder if these people that have worked here for 20 years began like me.

But I have that hope from those two papers in Illinois that offered interviews, although they didn't pay enough.

Oh well, I just watched a show on VH1 about gays. I really really stand by gays for some reason. I don't know if Pooks opened my eyes, or maybe when I talked with that gay ex friend of pooks that one time.

I mean I can't believe how people are against gays.

Like 40 year old, which I have put on ignore ... he's a bigot. He uses religion as an excuse.

This is why I don't like organized religion. Look at the hate they have.

They hate people! Yes, church people!

Hate people who have abortions, hate gays, hate God knows who else....

What is the worst of all.

Is they are major hypocrites.

I always thought church people forgave and understood and loved everyone.

I thought God loved everyone, that's what I was taught, yet these freaks are so set that gay love isnt' love, but a sin.

Makes me so so so angry!

40 year old, divorced and says he hates and is not responsible for his own son who he says will not make nothing of his life. He hates his ex-wife, he blames her for everything, I hear a tone of him being abusive either verbally or physcially to her.

He's creepy. He hates gays, and loves God. He's against abortion, he roots for war.

It doesn't make sense, all I know is I want no part of a religion that hates groups, I equate that to Hitler-ish, some friggin "correct" race or something.

No thanks.

Regardless I don't talk to him anymore. I wanted to laugh that he's so fucking religious and yet...he's a "satan" to me. I mean, thinking about it..hypothetically ... I'm a virgin, I'm pure, untouched.

He's some sexual pig, he's the snake tempting Eve.

But this Eve knew better and told him to go shove it.

So I guess that's a kind of weriod thing to think on.

Okay sorry tangent ... but things get me mad because people don't listen and are so closed minded because of religion. I call it brain washing, because I saw this girl in my sisters class who came to America from Korea. She was totally God fearing.

That is horrible, so bad. Disgusting she should be afraid, made to feel like she's bad for natural things. Like liking boys or things like that, for cursing or for being mean. No, that is wrong, so very very wrong to do to a child. My mom used to tell myself and my sister sex is dirty, and not to fuck until marriage, boys just want to fuck you and then fuck you over again.

Which is why I'm fucked up today, that's brainwashing, old ways, fucked up shit that has made me the dysfunctional girl I am today.

I'm sorry as a religionless girl, I am happy and content, sure I'll listen and read bible type stuff, I believe in God, but no way do will I ever partake in church, I'll worship on my own, and my kids won't be brainwashed either.

I don't know why, but I just hate that at work all these church people making me feel bad if I say Oh my GOD or Jesus! It's like fuck off who are you to say what I can say? Get over it already, who in the hell is someone to tell you not to say something? How arrogant and rude. NO I refuse to change my language use cause someone has a stick up their ass!

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pet ramps