Well my vacation has not gone as I expected, but I do feel de-stressed, other than family-life stress.

My sister brought her "curse" up and that curse rubbed off on me and I got my period with a vengence. At the water park, I went swimming and had fun, that night after my sister and I went out to dinner and poo'ed around, I got back to the room and there was a gruesome murder that happend in my undies...hehe. (My sister and I always call our bad periods murders cause of all the "blood" I know that probably sounds gross...but....)

Anyway, so I didn't go swimming the following day and ended up getting sun-sickness that night as well. It was bad. I mean bad.

I still don't feel very well, I feel sick today, I woke up tired and today I just don't feel myself. My back hurts like mad, but I think because I helped dad move out the treadmill in my bedroom as we are selling it.

I also picked up very heavy things and my body is revolting against this for some odd reason.

Not to mention I'm very emotional my sister keeps making little cracks at me and I'm ready to say "shut the fuck up I'm not in this pit play mood" not to mention it feels like there is truth in her little jokes about me dieting or losing weight or being fat.

I mean we always joke about each other being fat, but it's just a joke. But the way she's acting, she's making me feel like she's for real.

So I'm not talking to her all that much anymore today, my MOM was majorly being a bitch to me yesterday. She kept trying to pick fights and I didn't feel all that well to begin with. She was really mean as she kept yelling at me because I got two packages from ebay today - which was beads and a scrap of wool I got for my next rug hooking project - please note I haven't been a bit of a bid hog at all, I just have been collecting things for my next project since I'm practically done with the one I'm doing now. So I was upset to say the least but didn't say anything. I wanted to tell her if I was that mean to her she'd fucking be crying and hollaring that I have no respect. Yet, she didn't have ANY respect for my feelings, as my sister is acting today.

Granted, well...don't get me wrong, but I've been "quiet" Jenny today because I know I have a sour mouth when I don't feel well and I just want to be left ALONE today, I just want to go to bed and not have to sleep with my sister or be bitched at for something...or be woken up at 8 a.m.

I wonder if I anyone can feel my desperation that I really need to move out and be on my own now. My horoscope today says stop trying so hard for things you desire ... and truthfully I haven't really been that much of a job seeker lately. Yes I do look at the job sites at least three times a week, but other than this I don't think I've been that serious.

I did just apply to where I used to work in Indiana. It's for a graphic artist - but more like processing photos and puttin' them in ads. I can do that. I tried for it and sent out my three very very best special sections. Then I noticed how my pile of "resume examples" is dwindling and I think of all the jobs I've applied for with them and how many have been used as paper shredder food or recycled into a paper cup for Starbucks.

Kind of ... depressing, but anymore I feel a sinking feeling that maybe I will have to be here 2 years, 2 and a half years, God help me should it be 3 years. I already feel like crying to think I'll be *gulp* 27 next year and could be living here still. I feel like my life is still on hold. When I was a kid I was a 'late bloomer' and I think in my "adult life" I haven't yet begun to bloom and be myself not with living here, not with my parents rules.

Not like I can move out, even if I was completely frugal with my money, I only make 20,000, and considering apartments here at about 400 or so, I can't imagine myself having to pay for that, and the extras, my car, food, gas, etc. I'm not going to move out here since I don't want to live here and signing a lease and then breaking it... no thanks.

So my plan anymore: Lose weight to show off to my bitch sister who thinks that she's thinner than me and that makes her better than me somehow, she sabtagous me a lot, "eat this to make me happy." Yes she has said that. Plus I want to lose to feel better about myself because anymore my confidence has fallen low again. (I DID ORDER my Weight Watchers 2004 kit! Plus am looking on sites for tips and have a whole WORD program of tips/recipes and I bought a new pen and journal to begin! and am going to kick arse w/ exercise!)

I also want to buckle down at work and try to do better, edit better, and be more careful with my stuff.

Try to be nicer to people - ala' dad who pushes my buttons, makes me talk mean to him then I feel guilty. Hell I want to stop letting people get to me, I don't want to say things I will regret later on! I hate that.

I really want to stick to this diet this time around, I keep thinking about it and in fact...I am scared. I know that sounds weriod, but eating low-carb/atkins way for so long, it's hard for me to introduce bread, pastas and the like back into my life. I kept reading all these tips and what people eat/snack on and I was shocked by half! A bag of popcorn! 3 pts!

Then I remembered when I was on it..and how points went very very fast. I know I'm in the 25-31 point range. But that's hmmm I could do like 7.5 for four meals a day or something.

But see it gets very hard when it comes to lunch and dinner, things cost so many points! I mean I have to really get used to recalling points. Thank GOD I like my diet pepsi - 0pts. Thank god fruit and veggies are low in points, I think veggies have zero points.

So I'm guessing I'll have to really pay attention this time. At least I have go to fast food still, or have a cup of soup for lunch, or easy things. I think this time around I will pay more attention to portion - have a portion control lesson for myself.

I do want to get one of those WW water bottles that tell you how much water you're supposed to have.

Hum.

I'm gonna have to go shoppin' on my own and begin to buy my own things for myself.

Okay so next Friday I get paid, so we'll see.

Eee I can't wait to get paid. I hate feeling like I have no money - I think I have 150 in my account right now. I'm going to pay on my credit card or at least begin to. I think I'm pretty much SSET for fall clothing already. Thank God for my parents who have helped me with money lately - hum.

Okay back is hurting really bad now, I just cleaned/picked up the house, keep thinking how pooks is coming up next weekend, God what are we going to do.

Thank God I took Sunday off...I'm so happy I did that, what a lovely lovely thing. I'll work then Mon-Thursday, four day work week. Actually get back into my old routine, exercise, violin and maybe show up to rug hooking too, of course slowly cause that's a lot of things when you get down to it.

Can you believe there is four months till Christmas? Only two weeks left in August?

Where is time going? Is life is passing me by?

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pet ramps