I love days like today, it's sunny and beautiful out, yet only in the upper 70's, maybe like 77, but with no humidity.

To bad I have to work! ;)

I got out of the office and went to the beach and took some photos with the offices new camera. This camera costs at least $2,000 plus dollars. So I feel odd with it in my possession, like it's someones child.

I keep it in my desk at work and try to lock it up when I leave. I do not want to be blamed for a loss of a camera that costs about five payments for my car.

So, anyway, I got it all loaded up on the computers at work (well with the help of the computer tech) and it's off and running. I feel proud somehow because I know no one else would take time to do this, and wait for someone else to do it, I'm the one who bugged everyone to get this wonderful camera into circulation, I can imagine all the wonderful pictures people can take with this! Wow. Our stories should POP with this.

OK enough about that, I always wonder why I'm the one who has to start things. Why I have to take the first step always.

It's annoying sometimes, but I guess I'm the type to try to new things.

Ala' aerobics, ala' kick boxing, ala rug hooking, ala' violin.

Oh well, I've another headache and my body is feeling fat again. My dad said it must be PMS.

Thanks Dad.

But he's right this morning, I wore this long blue shirt and these white pants and said I felt like a clown - he said "Okay Clarabell."

I took it as clarabell the COW and said THANKS FOR CALLING ME FAT DAD and went in my room and shut the door and then realized there is a clown called that.

So I changed my outfit, disgusted at how bad I looked and am contemplating giving that outfit to MOM because I just dont like that shirt and I cannot imagine having to buy a shirt to go w/ those white pants, though I think I might...since on the bottom of these white pants is embrodered palm leaves, very snazzy and a ...

shit Mom and Dad bought me that outfit, I kept thinking I bought it (I have a think about things I buy with MY OWN money verses someone elses) ... hm.

I dunno.

I'm been thinking very irradically and feel like I'm mental girl this week, pms, over tired, maybe burned out ... stress? I don't know why I've been so fucked up lately with my thoughts and emotions ....

Why you could say ... I'm "MoodY"

I hate being called that.

SO anyway I skipped kickboxing because I just felt fucked up, today I'm not even thinking about going to aerobics, as my boss took off and I have to do page 1 and 2A - there is no way I'd make that class.

So I totally skipped exercise this week and I totally feel like shit as well so that's an excuse of sorts I guess.

Last night I kept thinking about going on this weight 'challenge' I saw on this message board. You go on whatever weight program you want for THREE MONTHS. July 20 to Oct. 20 and then report back to see how well you did.

I keep thinking, I could do that, and by God I wish I could, I keep thinking about this over and over again.

Mulling it over in my head, flip flopping around and thinking about times I know I'll cheat.

I.e. when sister comes to visit, or times when I'm weak. Then I thought if only I could just DO IT and stop making excuses and hop back on the wagon even when I do cheat I'd be doing something.

So I MIGHT do it, I really just might do it because anymore I feel like I'm gaining weight and I feel like a major positive thing in my life has been put on hold and losing weight was something so great for me and I felt so great to have everyone telling me I looked great, now I never hear those comments.

I miss them.

So what can I do, go back on Atkins hard, do induction for two weeks, then actually follow the directions and go on OWL.

Something is better than nothing. If I stuck on Atkins for three months that would probably mean a 30 lb weight loss as it's typical to lose 10 lbs a month on this.

I just don't know, I keep talking, talking, talking about it and feel like I never do any actions on it. Maybe I'm the 'starter' and those who are follow are internal, like that thin girl, that alternative girl, the violinist, the artist, angry Jen, happy Jen ... and the other millions of Jens I have to show for.

I think maybe the decision making Jen should get her act together because I know, I wait and wait for things to happen and finally I realize I must do them myself.

It's hard I know, and I know I fall off and on these here wagons and sometimes I'm gun ho to exercise and other times I want to sleep in, go home, play around on the computer or other things that do not help my health.

I think it's time, I know I always say this and looking back in my diary have probably said it so many times ... but I guess there at 12 hours to deal with on the close, 12 times to begin, the guestion is what time am I on, and when will I ever move to that next step?

Regardless I hate feeling that after I say these words that I will forget them and when I am eating that ice cream cone in the back of my mind I'm recalling these things, then later on beating myself up for my lack of control.

I guess that is life, a series of ass beatings you afflict on yourself so that maybe one day you'll beat yourself into submission.

I'm going to have to keep my little red diary - diet diary - better, write in it each day, or on the net, or something in that manner.

I still feel a sinking feeling because I know myself and know I get in those self-destructive moods where I'll gladly eat those bad things.

I guess I'll have to fight and struggle with this until I'm happy, and I know I must realize a diet is something you learn how to live with, not a quick fix, but something you must learn to know how to adjust to and become accustom to throughout your life.

Okay enough of this, I feel just so badly, I need to do something, I need to have a goal to keep and when I succeed give myself something, maybe when I do this I'll reward myself with buying myself something great.

It was funny last night I sat in my bed and just rug hooked. I guess I was bored or maybe it's something to concentrate on instead of eating - I think maybe my ticket is to always keep busy so I don't eat to just be doing something.

Oh well sorry to blab on and on. I'm at work and waiting for these pages to paginate - the reports take so long to finish them, always want corrections. I just want to get out of here.

I sent out my resume to another business in Lincolnwood - Publications International for a junior designer.

I hope this one comes through, though I have a feeling I need two years experience ... now, or maybe ....

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pet ramps