I woke up to rain - my room was so dark I thought it surely must be 5 a.m., but no, it was 9:30 and I was late for work!!

Eek.

I didn't get to work until nearly 11 - I wore my DNKY outfit today - all black beautiful material ... the shirt I'm wearing originally cost $198, the pants originally cost $139. I got both for $40 at TJ Maxx along with a DNKY tank that is black with these white and grey polka dots on it - very snazzy might I add.

Regardless, I like to imagine this outfit hung in a New York posh fat store, and maybe graced the hands of some fat rich woman who didn't want it.

I don't know why I think that way. But I look slightly cute today with my hair in curls down my back (looking thick might I add) and actually NOT frizzed out. I like good hair days.

Anyway, I kept thinking to myself this morning how much I need to lose weight, it was crazy, I was so mad at myself for skipping my two aerobics classes, and just wanted to never eat again. It's hard being fat, and it's hard losing weight and eating right. It seems you go through all of these motions where you do well, then fall off, do well and fall off. You lose then gain, etc. It's a vicious circle, I want to break it...but.

Just this morning I go into work and boom - I have a plain donut.

Lordy be, I cannot believe how I don't think sometimes, I think I need to really THINK about what I'm eating instead of eating it and then having eater's remorse later on which leads to self hatred, loathing and that I'll never been thin!

It's funny - cause I'll hear i.e. my sister complain that she's too fat and she's in a size like 18/20 and I'm like fuck I'd rather be that than a 22/24!

Though, I do wear a size 20 in a pair of capri's and a shirt - but STILL it's a fluke - I really want to get down to those sizes for real and my goal is like a size 16.

I know it seems like it cannot be that far off, but it is.

I seriously plan to go to the gym three days a week now, fuck that once a week shit, no wonder I'm not losing!!!

I keep thinking about when I move, man I'll be totally different then - I hope.

Anyway - it was nice talking to Ms. Girle last night, I thought it was a wrong number originally - but it made me realize - after I'd played my violin so SHITTY only an hour before that I actually was a bit knowledgeable on the instrument.

Though she wants to play CELLO - I cherish my violin and cannot even imagine hauling a cello around ... ug. The violin already is a pain to carry - but still. - I wish her luck regardless in lessons and getting that job she just interviewed for!!!

That leaves me a bit jealous why can't I get another job interview *wah*

I'm going to send out two resumes this weekend hopefully - one for a page designer in Joliet and the other for this copy editor type thing (well maybe not that one lol)

So I'll keep trying and trying - though it's kinda like weight loss, keep trying and waiting for results to come quickly though they never do!

I feel about as hopeful anymore as a fat girl wearing spandex.

I mean come on already I feel this terrible feeling in my chest sometimes, like a panic that I need to get out of here SOON.

I feel this so much when I get my pay check and see I'm again living check to check or when my parents bug me cause I 'waste money' or I don't save - but hell it's hard to save when you make SHIT. Argh. I won't think about this now because I get cranky --- >:(

Anyway it's so dark and gloomy out I really do NOT want to go to violin class tonight - I've been doing so badly lately for really NO apprahent reason other than losing my confidence. I've been practicing a lot lately because I keep listening to all this violin music with Perlman and jazzy pieces and I dream that's ME playing.

My imagination runs wild.

Then I play in reality and I suck ass.

I'm not sure what happend to me, I was doing okay, I mean I played for Grandma, then boom we began doing the slurs and the appeggio's and suddenly playing on two strings (a major NO NO) and squeaking and scratching, it sounds very bad.

I mean bad.

I mean very very bad.

Like you'd think I'd just learned how to play! I USED to be the top student now I'm like one of the lowest, I don't know what happend, my teacher said I might have over practiced and sometimes 'that just happens and will clear up in time.'

WHAT?

In time? I want answers on how to CORRECT this because I'm tired of feeling so nervous when I play!! Especially in class we're all playing a piece and there is ME scratching and fucking up.

Sometimes I wish I had just a teacher that was one on one instead of with four others ...

I know this might sound bad but I like when the two other ladies are there - they are both worse than me and they fuck up all the more so I feel better that I'm not the low man on the pole.

Hm.

I think with more practice I will get over this hoop since I'm already doing a BIT better - my whole problem is holding the bow - I'm not using enough pressure on the strings, or using to much pressure, then I'm moving my upper arm when I shouldn't.

I guess Girlie is smarter than me, maybe I should've done the cello because the violin is so tempermental.

*sigh* I'll be okay one day, I should tape myself playing so I can look back and laugh. What is odd is that I'm probably doing better now then when I started, since I know where to place my fingers on the strings and actually know when I'm in the wrong key.

I don't know, I get pressure at work to play for them, and I don't feel comfortable playing in public yet - especially with my recent bow problems... I can imagine playing then then 'screeeechhh' and everyone saying 'wow she really doesn't know how to play.'

I don't know where I got this perfection gene from!

Oh well this bra I'm wearing is cutting in my skin and that sucks majorly. Don't you hate that. Fucking underwire bs.

I suppose I should go eat my lunch - another atkins friendly creation!

Yum.......

I made myself a low-carb quesilla last night and it was really good, but the wheat shell was probably to high in carbs which is why when I weighed today I was at 278 - my bastard body of HELL.

All I want to do is lose 10 bs quickly, so my goal is to eat better low carb and to do all these exercise classes like a mad woman and think like an athlete and then actually FIT in these fucking clothing (and bras) without feeling like a sausage - pig.

Argh. So do I have to go to violin tonight? *Wah*

Ow, I'm goin' to the bathroom to fix this here bra damn!!!

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pet ramps