Josh just called my cell. I didn't answer and turned it off.

Then my work phone rang.

Damn.

He called to give me a sob story about his ex-wife and his kid, and that he's changing his cell number because she found out.

He gets so angry and sad about it, and I feel like saying, dude fucking deal with it, it's your mess, you can't do anything about it, so fucking deal with it instead of getting upset all the time and so angry.

I hate that.

I hate other people's problems.

I hate when they try to give you the sob story and you just don't care.

My sister fought with her boyfriend all last night, over PETTY shit. I was upset because it was uncomfortable. It was riduculous. She asked later if I had a 'good time' I said NO, not with world war three going on. And she got mad.

She said:

I hope you get to find out someday about the real world.

Or something like that, something about relationships and fighing. Something like things can't be 'happy' all the time.

I wanted to say, you fight constantly over stupid shit.

I hate fighting, I really really do. I mean I refuse to treat people as she does and make them feel like that when they haven't done anything. Just because she wants someone this way or that way. She is so mean to people, i.e. her boyfriend, she walks all over him and expects him to take it.

If I were him I'd say start respecting me or I'll leave.

But I think she takes that trait from Mom who gets mad at everything, all stupid things and fights and bitches and fights all the time. It's not worth it to me.

I mean I rarely get in fights with the people I love. I just walk away from that situation, or tell them right there why I'm upset with them. Not hold it out all day and piss and moan and cry and piss and moan some more. I so hate that!

So uncomfortable.

So um...damn I bought some clothes yesterday and I think I left them at home! FUCK.

Anyway, I just had to let that out because Josh just makes me upset like my sister - but I don't feel anything for him except pity.

I feel..

I just wish he'd leave me alone. I'm the type of person that doesn't 'let go' of people, I don't know why because I should just 'let go' of Josh, but I feel like I can help him somehow, I always feel I can help someone better themselves, or make them happy.

Why do I do this.

I always, always want to make people happy, I don't know how this got to engrained in me.

I mean Pooks treats me like shit and still I want to so deperately help him, fix him so he can be happy and what is this cost to me?

Unhappiness.

I think I almost would rather be unhappy and have someone happy...I don't know why either.

I should, just say Josh I don't like you in that way though I know you like me in that way, but I don't because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Maybe, just maybe this is what I seek from someone. Someone who is so uptight and worried about my happiness for once.

I daydreamed about getting that job in Chicago, finding a nice lawyer to date, some caring soul who will leave the world in the palm of my hand, some handsome man, some future stable man, something that like, I wish I could have.

But.

I'm still in Michigan, having a 40-ish year old man call me and tell me about his problems that I don't care about.

I want to say, 'dearest Josh, do you realize I've never called you, IM'ed your or even tried to be tender with you when we meet? Do you really see this, or just are wishing...as he did maybe know this last time he saw me and said "maybe I'm just wishing to hard."

I am a true Gemini, I guess, I blow hot and cold and change in the blink of an eye, whatever of my personalities shine through, tender Jen, mean Jen, angry Jen, cry baby Jen, ambitious Jen, hopeful Jen.

Who will it be this time?

Certainly not stable Jen, I've never known her.

Hm.

Oh well I was looking at some ol pics of myself and I just feel yucky again, should be beginning Atkins once again, but who knows.

My parents are driving up to have dinner with me, and I have to do the whole paper by myself today, I have 3 pages of 8 pages done, so that's five left, and that's easy to me, it's almost 7, and maybe I can leave here by 9:30 or 10.

Just maybe, I will leave early. Since tomorrow will be nuts, and the next following weeks I will be nuts.

I think maybe my family and myself 'came to terms' that I'm not getting a second interview for this job. I don't see myself coming back to Indiana anytime soon. That interview disappointed me, all my hard work for only 20 minutes of a quick glance, I ask myself 'was it worth it?'

And I don't know the answer.

I guess so, I just don't know, I felt like just another girl to be interviewed. NEXT PLEASE, I felt like, another cog in the wheel, just another blade of grass in a yard.

I had the feeling this guy felt that maybe I wasn't qualified enough, as he shuffled papers and just wanted only a little bit of info.

My parents think they just wanted a bit of info just to pitch to the place, and if they want to continue on with me, that's when the second interview will come in, where it might make sense why he gave me back all of my stuff...?

Who knows.

No use trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I will have to wait until tomorrow and this week to see what will happen. I just hope it's good, a second interview wouldn't be that bad. He said their benefits are 'excellent' and he seemed 'excited' about 'pitching' me to them.

He said I had everything covered except the Marketing aspect, though he said he's use the university relations job I had and that was marketing...but..hm....

I feel somehow, that this just won't cut it.

****************

I just came back from lunch, I can't believe I left my diary up on my computer like this, I hope no one read it! I've done this twice now, fuck! I have to be more careful. Ug.

�

pet ramps