Well my diary friends.

Today I had my interview, the first interview in a year and a half.

How did it go? Not at I planned I tell you, so different.

This was with a head hunter so I guess it went "well" as head hunters go.

I worked my ass off with PowerPoint. Did he look at it, use that CD I made? No.

I made a beautiful portfolio, did he keep it? NO.

He gave me back everything, made a photocopy of the brochure I made, said it had pretty colors.

Thanks I muttered.

He asked about what I make now, do I have kids? My past jobs, what I did there, and all that kind of stuff. How much do I want to make, what would 'get me up there' how would I get up there. He, "Matt the Headhunter" showed me the job description.

"It's only two blocks away ..." he said with a quick smile, everything was quick with Matt. His questions, movements, actions, he wanted to get me in and out.

I answered his questions, nothing major, the only 'hard' one was remembering when I worked at places, when I quit, why I quit, why I want to quit my job now. Cause my boss is an asshole, I hate Michigan, I want to get away from my parents, take your pick, I wanted to say.

I began my speal "Well I've learned a great deal in my current position, I want to continue to grow, to 'climb the ladder' so I must continue on with my learning," I lied.

After this torment of Q&A, I took a typing test where I cheated. Yes, I cheated.

They had a old computer with Word on it, in a small closet room, with a page to be typed out.

He said - get yourself used to the keyboard, so I began typing for a bit, he came back and said 'okay delete that and I will begin timing you.'

So.

He clicked his timer on, and shut the door.

I hit ctrl z, which is undo so what I had originally typed popped back up.

I'm going to hell I know it. My typing speed turned out to be like 70wpm thanks to my cheat.

Oh well.

I didn't feel 'good' after this interview. I was angry I worked so hard on my powerpoint and he didn't even take it, didn't even look at it. I walked out and was like what the fuck just happend.

I can still remember him with that fast, fake smile saying we're gonna find you a job! My heart fluttered like I was on some bad info-mmercial.

Then I thought yeah right

So after that, me, my sister and my best friend Pooks walked around Chicago, taking the El to Chicago Avenue then walking about 5 blocks over to the Cheesecake Factory where I ordered 'pot stickers' and shared a cheesecake (cookie dough, peanut butter cup) with my sister.

Then, we took the subway back to I think it was Washington Ave. - we walked around Marshall Fields, going by the make up counters, and a salon, these beautiful, manicured women in their thinness, their beautiful hair, makeup and clothing I felt so yucky.

I kept thinking.

I want to be one of those women.

After this, we took the train back home, and I was happy to. We'd been there from 9 a.m. to about 4 p.m.

My feet hurt terribly from wearing heels, changing and then wearing these uncomfy shoes - I didn't think we'd be doing that much walking.

Ow. My feet still hurt!

My sister told me Mom was going to 'talk to me' about saving money. I was like whatever, I hate that. Mind her own fucking business. But I don't think I'll be spending it now, because I have nearly everything I want anymore.

I do, though, look for clothes sometimes...but I plan to curb my spending now.

I guess today opened my eyes because I'm feeling like I need to begin my life. I see my parents moved up to Michigan for good, they want me out, it's not said verbally, but I can feel it. They want to enjoy retirement and want their kids to 'move on' and I think they want me to 'move on' out the door.

My sister just bought my parents house, so I come home, and her and her boyfriend are two peas in the pod, it's not like it used to be with our friendship, it's changed somehow.

But she's all set and I'm feeling like this isn't home anymore because of how she makes me feel like I owe her because I'm here using her lights, gas, water, etc.

I feel like this: Everyone has changed, moved on, has there someone except me. I have no one.

It's true.

I really don't.

I don't have that boyfriend that is so serious everyone knows it will lead to marriage.

I don't have my life ready to settle down, I don't have a life to build on.

I don't have my own place, I have to live off people because I don't get paid enough to survive in an apartment on my own.

So.

I'm a dependant, so I'm a child in an adult body, I just have to realize...this one main thing.

It's time to grow up.

It's time to go out into the world and find my own and stop depending on my family, time to fly the nest and not be afraid because that nest will always be there for me.

I just need....

To get out, and explore...stop being so God damn afraid of everything, just let go.

I just need to do these things, I wish to get this job so I can begin, I just need to come back here, get this job, live at home w/ my sister until I get on my feet, then get my own apartment. Then begin to work on building my life. Lose weight, get some friends, get a boyfriend and live.

Tomorrow, I'll be 26 years old, I can't wait any longer for this transformation to begin, I'm the only one who can do this, I'm the one who has to be strong, and brave and I'm the one who has to choose just what kind of life she wants to lead and then do it or .... just deal with what she's been dealt.

I guess a lot of things have been opening my eyes. I always think about God in these instances, what lessons he is trying to reveal to me, and waiting for me to realize these things.

I will say, today in the city, as my sister complained about how busy and crazy everything was.

I noticed the beauty of it all.

The buildings how they are so clustered and the beauty of the architecture.

The people, some looking like super models, some average, some unique, some creepy, everyone different.

It was just like that.

So much life there, so many things to see, so much to do, and so much beauty that I don't think people take the time to notice.

Don't get me wrong, I've done this in Michigan too.

Just last week after my exercise class, I walked out side the gym to smell the forest behind the center. It was lovely, beautiful smell of the damp pine trees, decaying leaves/logs, the fresh rain, I could've stayed there forever just smelling.

I don't know what's going on in my life, I know I'm a late bloomer in many ways now, so maybe things are changing, maybe I'll finally begin to catch up where my parents and sister are - where they are already building lives and haven't time for this little sister/daughter anymore, though it's not said, maybe not thought, but implied - though not in a hurtful, mean way.

It's something understood.

�

pet ramps