It's been a very hellish week. I've majorly disregarded my emails with my delete button, or a quick glance, and my normal self has been balled up in the corner of my bedroom.

I guess things at my job just came to a head - I came to a point whereas I couldn't take my bosses verbal abuse anymore. No, I didn't quit nor was fired.

I wrote him a letter of how I felt and emailed it on Friday, my day off, a few minutes letter I got a email saying 'please be in my office by 3:00 today.'

Fuck I thought, should I have done this? What this wise?

I began to doubt myself, but now I realize it should've been done.

See this past week I've been working the night desk, and this means putting 8 or more pages together for the next day's publication. This isn't as easy as it sound since you have to type in, get things ready, scan pics, breaking news, etc. It takes a lot of time and stress since you've deadlines.

So I'm been a stressed up mess this whole week, and then Thursday I get this note in my mailbox about that days paper.

It picks on each page, and it wrote in anger and sent to everyone in the office, it says I'm 'silly, lazy and unimaginative' in my pagination.

I read this and start tearing up in the office, I keep thinking, but I've worked so hard this week.

My boss is mad because on the cover one of the reporters wanted his story put back in, I begged this reporter to let me change it manually, and he said it couldn't be done, therefore the format got fucked up.

I cried all day Thursday at work, I couldn't help myself, I was so tired, stressed and hurt by his letter. I worked so hard and got this letter? No, I wouldn't take this anymore.

SO I wrote him a letter and we talked Friday, and I burst into tears and talked in sobs to him, like a child.

I couldn't help it, I hate losing control, especially letting someone see my cry, but I was so upset with him.

I told him in my letter - I was so unhappy going to work everyday, that I used to love it, now I hate it.

He tried to say, no it wasn't aimed at you...but I shook my head, my body movements said, "I don't believe you."

He seemed to be frightened, upset and maybe even sorry for how he had been treating me.

He tried to justify the things he was saying, saying he hold me in such high regard that I also must be held accountable.

Then hinted that because I'm so 'young in the industry' I don't know what's right or wrong.

But I know when someone hurts me and I know when someone says shit without thinking.

He said obviously you were hurt Thursday.

He said he'd think about the memo's.

He said he thinks I'm here for the long-haul, the 12 year plan. I laughed.

I got home that day and began another job search, I applied back at Purdue, at CBS in Chicago (assistant desk person), and at this lawyer firm who needs a desktop publisher.

I sent my resume to the desktop publisher asking if that's enough experience, he said, well let me take a look, and this was Friday.

All that I ask is that these jobs me either way if I get an interview or not. I hate waiting.

So naturally I'm waiting again but I guess I'd rather be waiting then not trying at all like a lot of people I know who're looking for a job (Pooks).

I do feel better telling my boss how I feel, though I don't see where he gets me working there for the 'long-haul.'

Then I wonder when the day comes for me to resign, how will that go, when they call for the fact check, what will happen? He cannot think I'm happy here, when I go home every chance I can get, does he realize this at all?? He has to.

So I pray to God and ask him to please help me get another job, please help me get out of here. How many more dues must I pay??

So I feel sometimes as if my prays are only heard by the spiders and the dog. So I am continually waiting.

Which I guess is life, I'm waiting to date again, waiting to lose weight ....

I ate bad again this week, Mom and Dad said they are getting strict on next Monday with Atkins, so I thought, well I think I'll have a few tasty bits this week in celebration of this. heh heh.

Or maybe not, I feel very sad anymore. I don't feel myself as of yet. Right now I could cry again because I don't want to go to work, and think of this week - I have court cases Monday, a graduation to cover Friday and then on that following Monday, I have that school board meeting that I don't know how to cover, I'm hoping something will happen that I won't be lost as much as I feel when I'm there.

I know there are school elections that night, I don't see how the reporter can toss me that when it's the end of it all, and she's covered it from the beginning, why wouldn't you finish it out??

So I know I'm jumping to conclusions, maybe something will happen that I won't have to do it, or else, as I told my boss - I don't know what I'm doing, so don't expect much - which is true.

See this is why I've been so stressed out as of lately, and seemingly very unhappy as well.

I keep thinking of that song "When Sunny gets Blue" whenever I get upset lol.

But memories will fade and pretty dreams will rise up where her other dreams fell through.

Hmm.

Oh well.

I can't wait to begin dieting again, I was digging through my closet and found this kick ass outfit I bought when I was losing - it's a size 18 pant. Damn. Need to drop like 3 sizes! I read every time you drop 10 lbs you drop a size. But I think it's more like 15 or 20 lbs depending on body size.

Who knows, but we're planning a trip to Disney in Feb. and I want to wear this outfit, soo! I must lose. My mom said that recently I've lost a lot in my back, I did notice that too when I looked in the mirror - and my legs have a shape to them now.

She showed me a picture of me a 'before' one, my God, I was BIG. I mean really.

I couldn't believe it! Wow. I mean if I ever do another site I'm scanning these, holy shit. My face was round as hell, double chin was evident! I looked pretty bad. Even in highschool. wow.

I mean seeing myself how from then my mom says I'm half myself. Which is ass backwards - because usually people are thin in highschool and end up fat.

Oh well, I haven't talked to Josh/internet man in a while. I'm pretty much tired of him, I mean when I was upset about work Thursday, he's like 'what's wrong' I was like my boss is being an asshole. He was like oh well does this help and puts two fucking smiley faces on the IM. I was like asshole, I'm sorry I don't need some come on to make me feel better, that's his problem.

He never talks to me, he's weriod. He never wants to hear about my problems, but of course I can hear about his, he never is funny, or sweet, it's like what is wrong with you. Selfish bastard, he has some mental problem. As I write this I'm taking him off my buddy list and next time he IM's I'm putting him on my ignore list.

I'm tired of him completely, sorry buddy but it ain't working out you just don't have that 'thing.' You're boring, you talk about shit that happend before I was born and expect me to know what you're talking about, no thanks.

So there ya go.

I am talking to Indy guy still, at least he's interesting and normal. He's 31 though, and it's not like that we're just friends, but I like to talk to him because he's a writer too - and interesting with thoughts and emotions. He's the one that helped me realize that that court guy that stares at me - is a form of communication.

I mean, court guy, yeah I've gotten that little crush, but I know that won't go anywhere because he seems shy or maybe he is just fucked up to always stare at me like that.

I still remember going to that meeting, I didn't even think he would be there, he wasn't even in my mind, then I feel someone staring and I look around, and see him looking at me. I frowned and then smiled looking away and went on my business. The whole time I felt eyes on me, I looked over there twice to see him watching me.

Then as I was leaving, I think he was going to talk to me, as he was behind me, but talking to these two guys who stopped him.

So who knows. I think he's playing some kind of game and is unsure if he should proceed or stay away.

But I'm tired of that game too, so I'm going about my business if he stares Monday, I'll smile. Look away and concentrate on my business.

Anyway, I don't feel much like being a taken girl right now, I'm to fucked up inside to have to deal with the outside.

My plan was to become this thin thing and conquer the world. It's true the thin pretty things get the attention, get the most out of life, is that why when I look great I am treated all the better? Even in jobs, they don't want the fat girl - it's true. It's a stereotype and people say no - just be yourself, just being yourself is what counts.

No it doesn't. I should know.

So that's my goal. I don't want to be stick thin, but a size 18 is my goal. I know when I'm losing I feel so great about myself, and sincerely I haven't felt great about myself in a while. I just need to get back to that place.

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pet ramps