Man why is it every time I want to update my Diary I get that 'server is overloaded' thing?

It's a conspiracy I tell you!

Well, I made it, I'm updating my diary and it's 12:32 a.m. I got home at midnight thanks to my asshole job/boss. It was a crazy day, I got my work done and just worked very efficently which surprised me. There is a method to my madness after all.

I finished and got stuff ready for tomorrow, I really miss the night paginator, she kicks ass to be able to do all of this and keep it straight, then again, she isn't a reporter like me.

I saw on the local news this case I told my boss to have someone cover, I have a feeling he's going to blame me on it, though it was just a prelim. still it made the news, so I should be ready for his flames tomorrow, though I DID tell him about it.

I talked to this editor who is part of our company paper - we always bitch about the bosses. He's so right, nothing it every good at our paper - we could do the most beautiful page, but if a period was missing on the last paragraph they would flip out about it and consider it a total loss.

That's how they work here, I say that's Michigan folks, they just are nuts about stuff and think it should all be perfect. I hate that.

SO anyway, I'm listening to a Bocelli cd - his first cd - and though I don't know what the hell he's saying I still ilke the music.

My dog is upset with me because I've been gone since 2:30 and just got home at midnight. heh poor puppy. He wants to play and I"m too tired to so he's upset and probably hurt. I feel remotely bad and I think, damn if I have kids someday I can't work like this at all.

Anyway, I re-started Atkins, I did pretty good today, though I just had chicken bites (breading) on it, that wasn't great, but still in the Atkins way kind of, I know I'm on it because I don't feel myself at all, I feel dizzy, cranky, irritated ... headache, so I think it's withdrawal of my lovely ol carbs that I ate like a monster this past week (thought that waffle cone of raspberry chocolate chip cheesecake ice cream was to DIE for).

Anyway while in my exercise class - I went into the washroom and as I was leaving, I looked into their new mirror by the door, I actually looked at myself, I mean I could see a skinny person in myself.

Damn I'd have a cute shape my eyes seemed to say, I could tell how my exercise has helped me out so much, I have amazing shoulders now, and my upper body is becoming nice, like hour glass shape - and wow I actually have boobs now. I can't believe that one.

So I went to my class and my kind teacher, who teaches kick boxing after my class, is trying to teach me kick boxing because I'm afraid to go to that class they go so fast and they have skinny bitches.

So she's been 'training' me in a way on the things they do. I've gotten a bit better, she said it takes about 2 to 3 weeks to get better at it, I want to say, I only can take your class once a week...I wish I could do it twice, but it falls into my violin class....

So anyway, I'll have to just keep working on my body it seems forever. I mean I really want to keep on Atkins even if I fall off the wagon, I read all these stories about people who've lost, even this local girl lost so much on Atkins and hasn't gained an ounce back, she's TOO skinny now it seems.

I want to get like that, I really do.

I said NO to candy today from the ol' boss, that was something as well.

I will just have to be strong, when I fall I will get back on again.

Plus exercise my arse off! I want to start walking in the morning or lifting weights or something. Something extra.

I wish I could get athletic, because I adore that look on people, strong musclar arms and legs, wow.

Argh, I will do it one day, I nearly wish sometimes to get very ill or in some accident where I'll drop weight like a monkey.

But I know that's to harsh, I don't wish anything bad on myself! (Though okay a very bad cold with a sore throat where you can't eat is okay).

Heh

I don't know why but my voice is leaving me today, I don't know if it's because I'm tired, but man I can only whisper now, I tried to scream out and it came out as nothing but air. I always wondered what would happen if I lost my voice permanetly, man that would be so hard, my career as a reporter would be probably over. I think of weriod stuff.

Oooh okayyy. I haven't talked to Joshy poo in a couple of days - not that I'm complaining. I'm tired of him and his constant sexual hintings at me. It's like lay off already freak.

I realize I totally don't like him, but for some reason still talk to him just for the stake of getting all these fucked up things he says. I so DO like talking to that Indy guy, he's fucking cool, 31 yr old single guy, no strings such as kids/ divorces.

Nice.

He's intelligent too, but I know I would feel like a pig if I met him, it's hard to be fat and have low self esteem.

I was thinking of that today in my exercise class, I think my teacher thinks that of me as I'm quiet and I refuse to look at myself in the mirror as we exercise, I cast my eyes to the floor or to her and wish I had her lovely shoulders.

Damn, why couldn't I have been born with a kick ass metabolism, why didn't my parents help me??

I keep thinking should I have kids, I will NOT let them get this way. I won't be a mean mom or anything, but I will help them out.

In a superficial society, you cannot be like this, I swear if I want to get anywhere in life I must lose. It's true and anyone who says I'm wrong is lying. Even with jobs, I know those girls who are pretty, skinny will get the benefit of the doubt, the prettiest always wins, it's a proven scientific fact. I just need to lose weight so I can become that.

For some reason though, I know when I lose I'll be seen as one of those 'sensual' girls, everyone at work acts like I"m some sex pot, like I fuck a lot or am 'experienced.' Which couldn't be farther from the truth.

I don't know how that stigma got onto me. Not that I mind to be seen as someone who actually dates or has men in her life, which I fucking don't.

Hm. my mom says I should try to 'woo' one of the court guys lol. I hate those games. Though I swear I have a secret crush on the councilmen that's in court a lot to watch the cases. He's my age and oh so arrogant. He's the one that stares me at sometimes even when I look at him.

My friend says it's a form of communication, I guess we say 'hi' with our eyes and then feel maybe to shy to talk to each other, like it's forbidden because I"m a reporter.

Anyway, the last meeting I went to, I totally didn't expect to see him there, so I walked in and was waiting in line and felt eyes on me. So I started to look around, and then I saw him looking at me and me looking at him both of us have no expression on our faces.

It's kind of weirod.

But it's a connection of some type, like a sad one because we're both to scared to talk to each other, though that one day in court he was talking to me and leaned over that seat, I thought I would DIE, wow he looked so fucking good I thought I'd melt in my seat right there.

*Sigh* what's funny is he's not thin, he's odd shaped, squaty type of man, he looks like a tall dwarf or something lol.

But his face is just pretty to me, with dark brown hair and brown eyes that look needy.

Hm. I definately have a crush on him.

I don't think he does on me, I know he stares, but he doesn't exactly try to talk to me. Though once in a while he'll come in court and sit behind me (he usually sits in the jury box) so who knows, he's strange.

I just wish he'd either stop staring or do something about it, I wonder what he thinks and wonder what he's thinking when he's glaring at me from across the room, he's so smart and so sarcastic, he's been hurt in the past it's evident how he acts, he seems to angry.... Hm.

Okay I'm making to much of this. I have to go to bed it's 1 a.m. and I'm listening to Blame it on me by Alana Davis ... *sigh*

I really need to go to sleep

�

pet ramps