It's been a strange long day. I'm working my new schedule this week - 2 to 10's. It's kind of strange to sleep in and get up lazily and make myself lunch and then go to work.

I don't know if I like this or not, so far it's alright, I suppose. I just don't like driving home at night like this. But I did like having all that free time to myself in the morning.

Anyway, I talked with Josh and he seemed especially hornier than normal. He seems to want me to gush over him as he hints on sex a lot of the time. He makes me laugh, but at the same time wonder, is this how men are? I mean we barely know each other, I cannot foresee wanting to fuck someone when you first meet them.

Then again, if I was dating lets say Billy Zane I would probably be as whorey as I could get.

So I wonder if this is normal, I understand once you like someon you want to get so close to them, but this is crazy. He asks me if I'm still 'nervous' from when I met him, like I'm shaking with sexual tension or something, like my loins quiver at the very thought of him.

I'm a bit worried should I ever meet him again (no) what he would do, seemingly he wants something from me and I don't think it's companionship in a friendly way. I think of a savage animal and maybe that need is what attracts me to him a bit. Everyone likes to feel needed, even in that way.

I started talking to this guy I spoke with like years ago. We stopped talking for some reason, then he got AOL again, and IM'ed me.

I didn't talk to him for a couple of months, then all of the sudden he's back, and living in Hammond. So it's strange.

Another guy hitting on me, saying "when you come home, we're going out."

It's like damn, not again. Though this one is my age and we have fun talking at least. I generally like his company, and in my mind he is this hot, thin man who'll laugh when he meets me, the fat girl who made him laugh on IM.

He'll think, damn, if only she were thin.

People say they aren't that way, but they really are.

But he's seen my pic, and I haven't seen his, nor do I know his weight or height. He could be ugly and knowing me, I am superficial as that.

I know dating is a two way street, but, I figure usually one person isn't as into the relationship as the other, and I'm not about to let myself fall for unrecipitated love...or lust as it could be.

Me and the Hammond guy talked and for some reason I told him I was a virgin. Mainly because he was making fun of me and the older man fiasco.

He was shocked. I guess I have an aura of sexuality or something, or can fool people (which I do well since at the office my boss is always saying I probably know more than he does in that category) but alas no man has touched me in anyway except to shake my hand (well except in high school when I ... never mind).

Still I'm as pure as snow white, I am a retard in the world of sex.

I told the guy I just haven't found anyone that I want to 'do' it with. Not that I haven't been 'offered' by some kind man to relieve my problem, I just am scared, I guess.

I told him that knowing me, if I should be in the same room, place and time I will just take a shot of vodka, flip the lights out and say, let's do it, just to kind of get it over with so I can see what the hype is all about.

Personally, sex to me isn't anything that BIG. Like it's not a gift to give away, fuck that, and I'm not saving it for just 'one person.' I want to experiment and see what's out there.

I guess my views are more guy like, I'm not going to be one of those girls who makes a guy buy her roses and scented sheets just to do it on, I don't want a planned time when I'm going to lose it, I want it to be sporatic.

I guess I'm not in any hurry, or maybe I am. I feel like a loser because I'm still able to wear white to my wedding with a clear conscience.

I know if I merely hinted to older man he would be trampling over cars to get to me like a dog in heat.

He doesn't know I'm a virgin and God help me if he should find out, the heat would be on, he'd probably move here.

So anyway, it's strange because I never know when I do in fact want to lose it, to tell the guy I'm a virgin or just let things go as they may - though I heard that first time hurts for some, and who knows what my reaction will be - I'm way to innocent not to mention my parents making sex to be something bad and disgusting from what they told me my whole life.

Which is why I want to say, fuck it, let's just do it and go from there.

Hm.

I do think my weight loss will play a key role in this.

This is my second day on Atkins, I weighed this morning and found myself to have lost 3 lbs already, thanks to water weight.

I worked out today and really ate well and on target.

So that was good, I felt good and my pants seemed to have that ol' feeling that they were looser, probably it was just in my head.

Still, this whole sex thing has gotten me wondering and sometimes I wonder how out of control I can be and spur of the moment type of girl.

Hm.

Oh well, I exercised today and I poured sweat, it was soo crazy. I havne't exercised in like a week and I could TELL.

I plan to start really trying to exercise more since I hear when summer arrives the classes are being changed totally, and my teacher is taking 3 months off, so I'll have all new folks to learn from. My oh my.

I keep wishing for that day I leave here and it's crazy for me to want to go home and essentially start all over again, new workout place, new violin classes and a whole new job to learn. It takes time, I know, but I'm tired of all this waiting.

I wish, things would begin to turn around for me, I keep wishing on the U of C job, my ultimate dream of dreams is to be able to work somewhere I could go to college as well. Wow. I have a sinking feeling that they aren't going to call as it's been two to three weeks now since I've applied, my sister said to have hope, but I refuse to give any emotion to my job situation, it's worthless. They either call or they do not, simple as that.

Mom says the tide will turn in fall, I say, if I'm here another winter I will kill myself.

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pet ramps