Well, it's Monday ... it's raining like mad outside, I hear we're getting thunderstorms, which I kind of like.

I'm freezing in the office, I wish they'd turn the heat on or something! Eep!!

Josh is mad at me because I we haven't met. It's just nerve racking for me and I understand that he's upset, but I just am not good at this meeting stuff anymore, it's to hard on me to act fake and stuff, when you meet someone off the net it's never good since your expectations are drawn out in your imagination and you have these fake conversations and situtations in your head on how things will go.

So meeting them just destroyes those notions not to mention claims a big disappointment in it all.

I guess things never go as planned.

Anyway, I feel soo fat. I gained weight three lbs to be exact. I know that's not a lot, but my stomach feels oddly huge today, my pants were a bit snug. I wonder if it's bloating and gaining.

I hope I don't die today during aerobics since I'm already tired and have a bad headache. Man o' man I know I will sweat like crazy, it's so yucky and yet so refreshing to know that I'm doing something good.

My teacher canceled the Friday class. So I'm feeling like I'm losing some grasp in my weight loss efforts. I'm already eating badly, last night I sat down and read one of my fitness magazines (I don't read them anymore, and am waiting for my subscription to run out) anyway, I read on eating and how it's never to late to stop eating badly and to not let it get out of control.

I feel like that anymore. I mean yesterday I went to Arby's had cheese sticks for lunch, dinner was taco hell with that gordita cheesy crunchy thing with a soft taco and diet coke. I had some candy, some licorice.

Man.

Today, for breakfast, I had two pieces of Wasa bread with a bit of butter. Had some candy and for lunch I'm having oatmeal with strawberries in it.

Dinner is a mystery as I have no food at home, well expect for a lot of funky things that really need something else to go with it.

I think I'll just make a big ass egg and cheese scramble.

It's hard with Atkins because when you're off of it, you're eating all those things you should've on a low fat diet.

I wonder if I should just get on Weight Watchers, or just get on Atkins seriously.

I mean I feel like I'm losing sight of the goal and am gaining.

I was disappointed at the wedding no one said I looked like I lost weight. I expected to hear it and all they said was I looked pretty in pink or something like that.

I wanted to hear that I've lost weight.

I didn't and kind of felt defeated in some odd way.

But I must continue to lose, I feel my stomach is big today, I can feel it maybe it's the bloating because I still feel sickly from yesterday...I think the booze is working its way through me still....uggg.

I will drink more water now. And I think less portions stop the candy binges, and things like that. I'm tired of diets and feel like I'm at odds with all foods, high carb and no carb whatever I eat feels like a sin, and after I eat I feel guilty and regretful and feel like I'm just going to gain all this weight back when I should be working very hard on this.

Okay after my sisters graduation I will buckle down.

Since my Friday class is canceled, perhaps I'll begin taking kick boxing, even though I suck at it, I'll have to swallow that pride and just go and learn, learn, learn and not get upset when I fuck up and everyone gawks at me and rolls their eyes.

Heh heh.

Oh well my headache, I think, is from the carbs recently, I feel that noon-day slump and that sugar addiction I have going on since I booted Atkins.

How stupid of me.

Oh well, I'll hang in there, and I'm hoping that somehow one of the recent jobs I applied for goes through somewhere.

I have a few more I want to apply for and am feeling a bit sad at how no one contacts me but to only tell me 'no thanks, try again later.'

It's really a bitch and I really hate how my life feels so uncertain and my future is as knowing as the direction of the wind.

I wish I could just settle down somewhere and know where I will be next year at this time.

I guess starting all over again is scary but also is exciting to be a step closer to where I want to be, where ever that is anymore .. I just don't know.

Oh well my headache is pounding and I'm feeling just fucking fat, I'm tired of this and my life here in Michigan. It's always the same story.

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pet ramps