It just thundered and poured and lightened all night, it was crazy!

My computer's internet provider must've took a hit because I couldn't get onto the net. I called my credit card company thinking that maybe my visa was maxed out again, but it wasn't, so I know my bill is all paid up for that.

I have to pay some of it off, there is I think $400 on it now. But I haven't been spending money all that much anymore, I mean buying a few things off of ebay, that isn't too expensive, plus I get paid this Friday and I did get my tax check. So I can begin to save once again.

The Wyoming man called me once again for a job. I'm going to call him at lunch to see what the specs are, though I do not want to move there unless they are willing to pay me a lot more than what I make now.

It's a state-wide paper, so thats something in itself.

But I don't think they are willing to pay a lot for someone like me with this minor experience, merely a year and some odd months.

But it's nice to see these mini nibbles here and there, to bad they are nibbles I'm not willing to take.

Though there is a job I could apply for in Indianapolis, I'm not sure I want to move there as well, that's a 3, maybe four hour drive for me.

Not to mention, Indianapolis, yuck. It's somewhat pretty there, but not as exciting as my Chicago or Hammond - I'd rather be by my friends, but anymore, maybe I should take these plunges in my life and just go away and deal with that.

Though I'd rather go south, to work, not to Wyoming were snow is horrid and I know nothing of them. They're accents are very different than mine.

Maybe I should apply for that Indianapolis job, that would be something to work for the Indy Star, which would be great to get my foot in the door at other places, work there a year and then begin to plan where I want to end up?

I wish I knew what I wanted, because I do not like to be away from my family because it scares me for some reason, I guess like how a puppy cries when it's taken from its mother, but soon it deals with it and relaxes and adopts this new family.

I do know.

I need a change.

Anyway, I talked to South Haven man again, he seemed dry last night and then today he called me on my cell phone, I did'nt answer because I'm at work and my boss was looking at me.

He emailed and mentioned he has gray spots in his hair and that just made me cringe a bit, gray hair? He showed me a pic of him in 1995 - which is when I was 18 he was 36, I wanted to ask, would you've dated an 18 yr old at that time? I'm thinking most guys would say 'yes' without a doubt, which always makes me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing.

Feels like some arranged marriage type deal, arranged dating or something, young girl, older old man, but should this matter? I think I'm making a big deal out of it. But still, this little infatuation is slowly draining, my gemini self is losing interest. I think I'm the type that needs that constant ... stuff.

Hm.

Still, this is something I must become experienced in, for later use. So I will lay down these crazy thoughts for a while and just do and do as I think is right.

Oh well, I worked out last night, went to one class, though I didn't want to. I'm happy I went, the teacher and me were the only ones there, so that was annoying a bit. She said I look like I've lost a lot of weight.

I thanked her and felt good because I feel like I've gained weight, though I haven't.

Isn't that strange?

I don't know why I feel that way, I think it's my weight phobia working it's way again in my head. My mom said she has a photo of me from last year where i was ... she wouldn't say 'big' but she said if you look at that compared to me now, I am half of myself.

I know I've lost, I told her, but I need to lost a lot more. She said that is self defeating talk, and I said no, it's realistic ... because I do need to lose more. I look in the mirror and still see myself as 'fat.'

As I always say, I can't just turn off these feelings, this is how it's always been, I want to be in a size 20, and I'm in a size 22/24, so it's like, lately I feel like I'm not losing and I know I must get back on Atkins because I'm ready to lose more now. I've gotten out of my 26's and even most of the 24's but I need another weight loss surge because that is motivation to me, that is payment for all this hard work I've done.

It's funny to realize that I've been trying since the end of January, so that is probably three months that I've tried hard and look at where I am. So I guess if I begin to try hard again, I will continue to do well.

I do this as I eat a baggy full of Fruit Loops and my lunch of soup with noodles is awaiting me.

Not fantastic for someone on Atkins - who, is dying as we speak due to a fall and head trauma.

Oh well, see this makes me wonder if I'm still losing like that, I mean with this bad eating, what's going on in my body?

I think I'm going to start taking walks on these nice warm days or begin jogging, I've always wanted to be a jogger, but I'm a bit shy to do it outside, I just hope that someday I'll learn to just say fuck it! and do the things I want to do without any regrets.

�

pet ramps