Ooh I've had a bad day.

I feel like such an asshole

You see.

I drove from Indiana to Michigan today, four hours of driving with a hurting stomach and feeling like I have to pee really badly and then going and then feeling that way again as soon as I hit the car.

I had to much rich foods which made me sick to my stomach this morning. So driving with a bad tummy isn't to fun. Now I'm a work and my bad day has been extended.

I can only take so much.

I cried in front of my boss today

Yes, me, whom they call "Ice" because I show every little emotion, just broke down.

I wasn't a mess, more like teary eyed and my nose started running, my chin trembled a bit.

So I dug my nails into my palm, I always find if I hurt myself then I can control myself better.

So that helped.

I wonder if that's a bit of self mutilation in me because I really do collect myself well when I dig my nails into my own fingers so I concentrate on that pain instead of the emotional pain at hand.

Oh well I missed a court case and my boss was like 'what should we do?" I was like just give it to the other reporter. I was so tired from driving, I have PMS ... I don't feel well.

He went on to tell me that I can do it and that's my beat and that I have such a pleasant and happy disposition and attidue and he doesn't understand why I don't let that lead my way into the court.

I started to tear up and wanted to completely sob, I held it back and dug my nails into the palm on my left hand and looked down and tried not to lose control of myself.

I hate this feeling, I still am teary and ready to cry. I need to calm down, but it's hard.

My nose is running and my eyes keep threatening tears. Ugk.

Okay calm down before someone in work knows what's going on.

*Sigh*

Oh well, a guy in South Haven emailed today and seems pretty nice, though he's 40 years old verses my age of 25 years!

Oh well, fuck it, I don't care it's only talking, nothing serious just friends and junk.

I just don't care anymore, I'm just run down and tired and I don't feel well and feel like I've gained weight since this past weekend.

I'm tired of these new things happening to me.

At my cousins wedding shower she told me how much weight I'd lose while my mom told me I looked extraordinary all dolled up and then a woman next to my mom told her she has beautiful daughters.

Not to mention.

My best friend saying something, and guys eyeing me now, I'm not used to this and am actually tired of all these compliments, I know that sounds silly, but they stress me out so much that I have to keep up with this or else I'll be talked about - 'oh if only she would've kept up with it, she was looking so good.'

Oh well my period must be coming or maybe I'm over tired, stressed and just ill... or the lather.

Oh oh oh oh oh, I see a series here. I think I am following in my sisters shoes, she has done the same, she was a bit like me, started to lose weight, then got in this depression for a while, then complained about her job, then she found a boyfriend, got a new job, and is thinking of marriage now.

Am I following this pattern?

I hope I transition well...because so far, extra attention to me is scary I'm still that fat girl.

I told my mom this, she was mad at me at the shower because I didn't talk that much.

But I was quiet most of the day for some reason, she told me that I'm becoming of my own, I'm pretty and am acting like I'm some ugly monster and that I'm not fat anymore. My sister told me too that I'm not fat anymore, more like a normal person who needs to lose a few, but when they look at me, they see normal or like my past entry said...'like us' thing.

I yelled at her that I can't just turn off these feelings that all my life I've been this fat ugly girl and I can't just turn it off like that. I told her that it takes time! I wish I could be extroverted and feel like I'm some girl who's never been fat, but I can't do that yet, it just takes time....

No one understands this whatsoever. I feel like a girl coming into puberty and doesn't know what to do with it all.

Weight kept me safe from all of these things, and I wished and worked so hard to lose and now that cloak has been lifted and I see how the 'normal' folk lives and that they welcome me into their circle and that scares me as someone who has been shunned from that very circle her whole life...and now they smile and tell me beautiful things and flatter me each day and make me feel that maybe I can be them, or maybe it's just a big joke.

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pet ramps