I had a pretty weriod day.

It just poured and poured out today. With thunderstorms and strange colors in the sky, from near black to yellow. We had tornado warnings as well.

I just got back from going to dinner and then driving around with my sis and her boyfriend.

My stomach hurts for some reason, I've eating so terrible since I've been here, I feel fatter!

Oh well, mom was being a bitch today. She's so mean sometimes and when you dish it back, she gets mad at you!

I get so tired of that! We were wrapping the wedding present for my cousin's wedding shower tomorrow and mom was just fucking going nuts about it trying to make it fucking perfect, so I just sat down and was looking up something on the computer and in a shitty voice she says, "well JEN you know you COULD help me," it was the meanest voice.

So I helped her and got into a cranky mood because then she's sitting there watching me on the internet like some fucking watch dog.

So I gave her a 'look' and she was like 'why are you in such a bad mood?' I wanted to say because of your fucking obsessive complusive shitty attitude about this DUMBASS WEDDING SHOWER.

I'm so tired of it, talking about it and her bitching that no one is going to say she's lost weight.

Personally, she has lost a little, and I've told her this.

But she's off Atkins now, and she doesn't exercise!

So it's like, well ....

With me, it's a toss up if they even say anything, it's a given with my sister because I swear they kiss her ass because she's a teacher and they are ALL teachers there so us non-teachers are cast to the side, not to mention they don't like me because grandma likes me the best out of the grand children.

Soo sorry, I don't play that game, I don't act fake as my sis, mom do, I am just me.

They are so rude to me and I just don't care, and everyone in my family seems to care for some fucked up reason.

Who are they to think anything of me? They don't pay my bills, employ me or even love me, so they can kiss my ass.

Their comments mean very little to me.

Still, at the same time, I really am feeling that 'itch' to begin dating.

I mean marriage, getting on with my life type of deal.

I noticed a guy 'noticing' me today. I feel strange with this prospect now, I know since I've lost a great deal of weight, I should invite this, but that fat girl in me still crys out.

I got that 'look' and then that little inviting, secret smile guys give that kind of says ... 'hi there, I'm interested.'

I smiled slightly and turned my head and never looked back, my cheeks were blushing, I'm such a nerd.

But still I feel like that fat girl who no one will ever love for who could ever love the beast? type of thought.

My sister told me I don't look 'fat' anymore since I've lost so much in my hips/ass. I was like, thanks I think.

I guess I appear more normal than I believe.

It's just hard for me a lot of the time, just when I feel like I'm making it, I see some skinny thing and feel all over fat again knowing I'll probably never look like that.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I think I've gotten better in many aspects, but I think with more weight loss, the more confidence I will have.

I really, really need to buckle down now and concentrate on losing once more, these fast times, bad foods and vacations from exercise are very numbing to my continual weight loss efforts in many different ways.

I think on Tuesday I will begin taking that kick boxing class after circuit training because that teacher never makes me sweat and I think I'd be okay in there, it's light enough and seemingly might be fun enough.

Plus I should exercise on the weekends, Saturdays I should walk or something.

Plus eat better, more healthy items.

Hm.

Maybe make some low-fat meals and more veggies definately.

*sigh* I just really wish I could get going and find another job, I mean how long is this going to take? I know I am a broken record, but I've waited so long so far, I know I should be happy that I have a job even, but I want more, I want a new job.

I feel like this is a time of change, my mom was mean again and barked that I won't be happy anywhere I go, I told her everyone complains about their jobs.

I was ready to say, 'how the fuck do you know, you haven't worked in like 5 years.'

She is so screwed up, I think being away from my parents makes me take a step back and just look at things differently.

I really, really need to talk to Brandon and actually meet him. I should do this for the experience and maybe it could turn into something that might be fun.

I then worry, what happens when my parents come to live up there? I do not want them telling me what to do, what time to come home and things like that.

I think I'd have to move out at some point, but this is all just dreaming because I truly cannot foresee living in Michigan for another winter, it's horrible there in wintertime.

Yet I think of coming home, and I wonder where I would live and what I'd do, I am from here, but I've gotten used to Michigan, so I guess moving home would mean getting used to people and places all over again.

At least I'd feel more alive, more friends, more places to go instead of driving hours just to shop at a place that carries nice plus size wear, or to see a movie, or go to a bookstore.

It's just my kind of life.

Plus here, I think I would date more, and that's what I really want right now, some kind of relationship to help me along with my weight loss and self worth and confidence.

Sooo I guess I'm going to be 'changing' now, I just feel that need coming once more in my life, and I welcome this change, though it scares me.

Oh well my stomach is hurting terribly again. It's above the crotch area, and it hurts a lot anymore.

I don't think it's my stomach, but whatever is there, ow. I so worry about uterine cancer because that's where grandma had it, and I just get paranoid because I get these bad pains there a lot of the time anymore. A burning, thudding pain. ow ow ow

Oh well, I fixed my grandfathers clock, it's chiming right now and it's lovely. I'm so happy I asked for it, my grandfather built it, and it's so large and the wood on it is just so pretty, I really love it. It plays three different chimings on it - you set it yourself, I think I have St. Michael's on it or something.

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pet ramps