I thought I'd update before I go to work...well actually I'm going to go wash two loads of clothes...then get lunch, then go to work.

ah...my life is so filling

So, my parents just left and I was a bit sad to see them go. I was laying in bed last night (couldn't sleep due to worries) and thought about when I get a new job and moving and such and felt a pange of sadness to have to leave my parents, home, once more. I kept thinking, I will only apply for job in Chicago and at home, so I can be near my sister and friends at least.

I don't like much to be alone and away from people I know and love, yet sometimes I say I will pack up and leave and work in Florida.

But once again, I'm already planning my big portfolio, resume and excellent cover letter I'm going to send to my old paper for one last little grasp at paginator freedom and a new job.

Maybe it'll take this time, but again, maybe it won't. I have bets that it won't, but that's because none of my other resumes have taken what-so-ever.

So it's a sunny day out and it's looking like the lake will thaw out soon and the water will have ripples and whitecaps once again instead of the icy layer overing it like a huge clouded contact lense.

I spent the morning reading a diary of this black woman in New York or Calif. who's had that stomach stapling and is a lawyer, married and has such a full and fun life.

I read some of these diaries and think how drab and boring my little life is compared to theirs.

But I figure.

That my life is in transition and that I will have that sort of 'fun' life soon.

I just think that my weight loss is helping me.

I look at this woman's diary and to see her lose like 200 lbs to now, she is beautiful now, it's such an amazing thing to see.

I always wonder if that will happen to me, am I becoming attractive now that I'm losing weight?

My parents think so and say guys check me out and my boss has told me three times already how well I'm looking.

Still ... to me ... I don't feel all that much 'attractive' I see myself still losing (by miracle of God because I've been eating badly) ... but I always wonder when I'll lose enough to feel as this lady does.

I think of the ol' George Micheal song "Star People"

Just how much is enough? ... it's never enough ...

I know, I find to much meaning in songs, but I guess I'm more of a meaning, symbols ... what does it all mean type of girl.

Hm.

Oh well, I'm still kind of nervous about going to my cousin's wedding shower, my aunt, uncle, cousins can be complete assholes sometimes.

My aunt has said on occassion that how can I be a reporter when I don't talk?

It's not that I don't talk, it's that they don't listen.

I'm quiet by nature, and do talk when I feel people listen or are worthy of being talked to.

My aunt, however and uncle, however, are most of the time not worthy as they tend to compete with our family for Grandma's affections when they should know, that grandma plays these games to viy for her good side and in the end, who is grandma to make us feel like we're competing? Competing for what? I always say.

I also know, that in my family, I am a high ranker, as I've gone to college and have not fallen into some doomed love-life with kids and unhappy. But I have the appearence of success with a job in writing - which grandma has always wanted to do - and am seemingly a happy girl.

They don't like the fact that I don't act fake like my sister...I'd rather be quiet then act like something I'm not.

Not to mention, most people think I'm arrogant and snobby, and in a way my mom says I get that from her side of the family because they always thought that of her.

I guess I'm a typical girl of my mom's side, they always had the best, and always always had to be on top, and that is me in a nutshell.

My mom says I'm competitive, I never thought I was, but I guess I am...I blame it on my sister. lol

Still my relatives seem to think it's okay to question me as to when I'll get married and things like that.

My own BOSS does this as well...asking me every time I go home if I'm engaged yet.

I want to say why is this so important? Why must I be engaged, what will that make me then?

Tied down?

I want to tell my boss...you know if in your little dream world I did get engaged at home, then don't you think I would quit and move home to be with him???

I can say that I don't need that kind of stress, but anymore, my life is stress with work, exercising and violin.

My mom thinks I should give up violin...and I say yeah I should, but I don't because ... I don't know ... I think I would disappoint people like my teachers and people who always ask me about it.

I wish I could go to private lessons.

But I don't know who to contact about this, but I think for now I will just let everything go on as normal for the next two weeks, then figure out what I'm going to do, my life is just to hetic to think on changes now.

I already am having troubles with my new Tuesday classes because my body isn't quite used to that exercise, but I think this week will be better, I swear when I missed that week of exercise my body just nearly forgot all the steps and strength it once knew.

Oh well I better get off to work, I'm talking to pooks now and will go get dressed, get my clothes and then go go go off running for another hellish week of work work work.

After this week, I can breath MUCH MUCH easier...this week is HELL week entirely with all the things due, it makes me nervous, so nervous I dreamed last night I was at work and trying to get things done, isn't that fucked up?

Oh well pookie makes me happy and makes me laugh, so maybe he can cheer up this nervous girl.

Maybee Your Mama didn't love you enoughhhh ... maybeee your papa gaveee you up ... it's the same ol' same ol' how much is enough? Damn I love Georgy boy!

�

pet ramps