Hm, I tried to update my diary but wasn't let in because of a overloaded server...then told only GOLD members can update during busy times.

I got in somehow, but I figured that before I go to bed tonight I'd update.

My period is coming, I kind of knew since I've been eating like mad. Plus I have nasty style cramps and it's already 10 p.m. and I'm wide awake, I figure this will be another no sleep night of tossing and turning and flipping through the channels and pausing on that smutt shit they have on Showtime late at night.

I worked all day at my sisters school, I really enjoyed it for once, I guess it is better then sitting home with my psycho mom who's been really mean and put-downy lately.

She is mad that I'm not spending time at home since I'm home for the week. But considering my life is running around everyday, I can't just sit at home and do shit all day, I really can't. So I go help my sis's 4th grade class do their media projects.

Damn, it's times like this I realize how creative I am. It feels good that to these kids, I am artistic, creative have all the great ideas.

This is a rare thing since in the world I feel like the kids, I feel un-creative and no talent and await for some other dummy to overcome me and do so much better than I.

But anyway, it's been a bit of an eye opening weekend, my friend is having a hard time, I don't like to see him down, but I realize this is the time when last year his mom died. He's been so sad and bitter and hasn't been himself since she died.

I feel like I want to help him and make things alright, I even looked up pictures of his mom and felt maybe I could relate to his loss. I know I can't.

So I try to make him laugh and be nice and try to listen because that's what everyone wants in life, to be listened to and understood.

My sis has been busy working and working, we never got to the gym this week which probably accounts for me feeling so shitty and fat.

Not to mention eating like mad.

But this, of course, could be my period taking over.

Oh I have cramps nasty style.

So anyway, I keep dreading those days when I must go back to work.

This week flew by and I am trying to savor each day of my dwindling vacation.

I know I will go back to the mundane and not be able to escape back home for a long time.

I just hate to think of going back to all the pressure, stress, schedules and stupid jokes.

I'm so tired of it, I mean tired - weary style.

It's like I don't even want to smile anymore and I don't think that I smile half as much as I used to.

So maybe I'm more bitter.

Last night I layed in bed with my sister and we talked about our friend, and about how everything has changed.

I nearly started crying, I told her that how can life have been so easy and happy and fun three years ago and now, it seems life is more bitter and sad and fun things are harder to find.

I think we both realized this, and thought how things will never been the same, eacy year they change all the more and then soon, things will be so changed that they will be a stranger to us all and we'll be grasping for even a shred of familiarity of days gone by.

The only thing we can do is continue on and hope that somehow a new thing will appear to take our minds off the saddness of a fleeting past.

My parents are going up to Michigan tomorrow and coming home Sunday, I'm leaving here Sunday and going up there to work and then go home tired and weary and bitter.

Fucking Michigan, I still hate you with a passion.

I found another job to apply for, to me it's like that old saying, 'another day another dollar.'

Same ol' shit, just on a different day, so I will email my resume with a few of my news pages. I don't have any hope anymore, I send them off like a kid throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean. You could get it back, but the odds are extreme.

I wish anymore that I truly knew what I loved, I sometimes wish I could be married and a homemaker, but I know that life wouldn't suit me at all.

I think I'm waiting for someone to change my life, when in reality that person should be me.

I suppose I am changing like my poor friend, I may be more bitter, but maybe I have a better head on my shoulders now.

I think my diet/exercise has been good for me, I feel better and maybe more confident than before.

But you never know with me.

All I know is now that I'm home I realize how much I still miss it. The trains at night, the smells, the people, the traffic, the bums, shopping, movies, my friends....

I miss it all still.

I even savored shoveling today, it had been so long since I'd shoveling here at home, and I didn't even mind one bit, weather here seems warming even though the temp is the same as in Michigan.

So today I cast my fate into the magic 8 ball and asked if I'd have a new job by summer and it said something like, 'very likely'.

I know I shouldn't trust a piece of black plastic filled with blue water, but I asked it before if I was going to get a job at my old place and every time it told me 'no'

So maybe there is something in that blue water, or maybe I'm just making excuses and giving myself hope in a different form.

I'd better get to bed, for some reason I'm very very thirsty tonight. I had long john silver for dinner, and I'm sure the msg in that is in the millions.

Hm.

Tomorrow I have to make a castle cake and show it to the class, whereas they will make their own.

I love to create stuff like this, I'm a bit happy to do this. I wouldn't mind this type of life where I could do really mindless work and have days where I could just stay home and sleep all day. Wouldn't this be the life.

Independantly wealthy without a man supporting me. I wish life were that easy. I don't see myself making any vast amount of money in my career, and it's sad but true to realize if I'd ever want to stop working or buy some house, I would need a man's help to do this. I suddenly feel like someone in the 1800's.

�

pet ramps