Well I'm home for the week. My boss has already emailed me bitchin' and I had to email back how to paginate this weeky shoppers guide to the dumbass who's taking it on.

Lord.

DUH.

Well I've been turned down with the nice, "you have potential, but fuck off it's not enough biotch" same ol' form letter I just so love to receive.

So today I felt fat because I'm here and not able to exercise ... well okay, I can probably do crunches or something in my bedroom, but still it's not like my classes.

So I did nothing all day but watch tv and go run to the store and had a salad for lunch and chicken for dinner. I didn't do that bad considering I did have a cadbury's carmel egg and 4 mini eggs.

I also made Atkins lemon poppy muffins, which are just ok, nothing great. I won't make these again.

I had pizza last night for din din with poppers a tall glass of diet pepsi. For lunch, I had french toast from IHOP (the kind with cream cheese inside) and sausage, eggs and hashbrowns with a diet coke.

So yesterday was bust with eating well, I weighed in on Sunday at 272, which is a 2 lbs loss I believe. But when I go back this Sunday I believe it will be a short lived loss....

SO I feel like shit, everyone is working and everyone is cranky because we've the worst storm coming here in Indiana...fuckers, it would have to come now that I'm here.

So today was bittersweet. My mom was fucking NUTS. She kept bothering me and then acting sick and she did absolutely NOTHING here and as I was cleaning up the kitchen got pissed that I made her let the dog in. I was mad!

This house is fucking FILTHY. Nothing is organized, my room is completely and utterly filthy and so crammed with my sisters SHIT, I can barely move around, you'd think she'd cleaned it and got her shit out of it for me, but no. Plus again I come home and there is NO TP in the bathroom, so I must steal my parents TP and they yell at ME when I'm only home here once every what 3 months!? WTF!? I was like, why can't she get prepared?! When my family comes up I make sure the house is clean as a whistle and the bathroom stocked up and the house full of things they'll need.

I come home and it's just fucking dirty and cluttered and nasty as all hell, I kept thinking, man this would not be like this if I were here.

So I'm a perfectionist...I'd rather be that than dirty unorganized shit. It really irks me something terrible.

I really wonder where I belong, I don't like Michigan, sorry to say, I think mainly because of lack of males. I can't stay there and be a spinster. I'd like to move to Indiana somewhere, I was saying Chicago before, but I think I'd be to scared to live in a big city like that and the taxes would kill me. I can deal with the suburbs just fine.

But seeing as no jobs are available, I wonder just how much more I must bide my time in that hell hole. I wonder how much longer I will need to get 'experience' before I am released from hell and low paying jobs...I really wish I'd find some rich guy and not have to work, or just work part time, I could deal with that.

Seeing as when I come home I find my sister, my friends vic, pooks, just aren't as great as I thought them once to be and I get this feeling that maybe I could move away and actually be alright.

Then I feel afraid that I don't know what I really want and am so lost in my life that I'm like a person who can't swim and has just been pushed in the deep end of the pool, I'm flaring my arms looking for anything to latch onto and turn that into my salvation.

But I don't see anyone giving me any type of helping hand, so I suppose I will have to continue rotting in Michigan. I just feel totally fed up with my currently life, I feel angry because I'm still there and would rather be here at home.

Plus I'm tired of my mom acting like she knows the news paper business. Just because she picks up a few terms doesnt mean she's a god damn paginator. hello she doesn't even know how to IM somebody and then she gets in this HORRIBLE attitude and then riducules me and makes me feel like shit, so I lash back and she gets all teary eyed wondering why I'm so 'mean' well fuck yoU! I so hate that. Like, "damn Jen you have a fat ass now" oh thanks.

It drives me bonkers.

And now I'm feeling like that person in the pool and feel like I'm ready to drown and think that maybe that might be a good idea and possiblity.

Oh well, I'm going to go upstairs and just lay in bed and watch TV. I feel a bit hungry for some reason, no doubt because I'm off atkins and fucked myself up.

I have to go in tomorrow to help my sister with her fucking snot nosed kids with this stupid powerpoint program they have due. I hate that she's talked me up to be some kid-hating journalist and that I can help them win whatever fucking prize they get for their presentation.

Then she wants me to help build a castle out of a cake for her class.... I swear then paint some picture frames.

I'm like why in the hell am I so depended upon to be always creative and always with great ideas and design.

Sometimes I just don't know the answer nor know a good design.

It's not easy to say, okay here's that great idea, here's how we do it.

I thought I was on vacation, I do this shit each day!!

Plus the fact that I must paint her picture frames. With me I research EVERYTHING. Even designing things, I look for a pattern or idea I like and then go from there, It's rare off the top of my head, so I hope no one expects me to be some fucking great paginator...because truly I'm not, I can't even get a FUCKING JOB IN IT.

I'm just so angry, I feel like I'm not GOOD at anything, I do just 'okay' I'm just an 'okay' reporter, just an 'okay' paginator....

I just have to wonder how I'll get out of Michigan with these type of skills. My boss says in so many words, 'why in the world did you become a reporter?' and then I get feedback from these jobs I try for that I have 'promise' but not now, I want to know WHEN and how much is enough experience....

My period must be coming because I am just so angry at everything, it's so crazy life has to be like this all the time and that I don't get any breaks anymore, I used to have luck in these types of things, but anymore my luck has been gone, and just hidden away and that somehow, somewhere, someone is making me pay dearly for what I've done in the past.

I just wish I could find a common ground, my own 'happy place' and just be content instead of my constant ups and downs..and feel like a loser all the time.

I felt like this in high school, I denied it, but I truly feel like a big fucking loser a lot of time...

Fat, ugly and single, taken for granted, walked on, disrespected, not appreciated ... me

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pet ramps