It's been a really long month, man I've worked my booty off and then some.

I ate badly this past weekend and yesterday.

I mean eating like I wasn't even watching my weight.

Granted it could've been worse and now even my 'bad days' are nothing compared to how I used to eat, but still, it was unlike me.

I don't mind Atkins, but when I 'cheat' I really feel down.

It's like I eat bread and I consider it like eating fast food or sugar. But yesterday man, in the Atkins world I fell off the band wagon and was run over by it.

I had cookies and popcorn and then had these damn candy hearts my sister gave me, those powdery ones with little sayings on them, I absolutely adore them. I have a little more than a handful left and even today I ate some.

So I'm semi-on Atkins and I know thats not great because I don't think I'm ready to go on eating carbs as I have.

Oh well, I am slowly getting back on, and since I've been exercising like a mad woman, I don't feel as bad as I should.

So anyway my boss is giving me Mon. through Sat. off next week, which is great, I need this break since he also told me today I have to work this Friday.

Damn!

That bites ASS Friday is my day OFF and OMG THAT'S MY EXERCISE NIGHT TOO.

I'll have to tell him that I'll go to class and then come back to work.

I don't think anyone will mind me all sweaty and red cheeked or else they can kiss my ass.

It snowed last night and today it snowed more, they said on the news March here is supposed to be uncommonly warm and dry. I won't complain about that. That's fine as long as I don't have to shovel or worry about getting up the drive.

I have strength training and aerobics tonight, I put on a extra step last class and it nearly killed me, I was so hot and out of breath it wasn't even funny.

I have to buy a water today for that class since I am once again putting a extra step on, which means I will sweat like a pig in a sausage factory.

I just hope that I don't get so tuckered out that I have to stop like I did last time, it wasn't that bad, but I think because I had a co-worker there too, I just felt weriod and also my body didn't feel like exercising.

It's strange that sometimes my body is like 'yeah let's exercise' then sometimes it's lazy and sluggish.

Hm.

Oh well tomorrow I have a court case at 11 and then blahhhh I have to work Friday.

I'm happy my boss decided to tell me this today, oh thanks, I wanted to say, I worked last Friday too. But since I get next week off I won't bawk. I should also be getting my raise I got a 'card' from the big bosses saying congratulations on your anniversary, I looked for a check or something to fall out...it didn't.

I began working here on March 4, so when I get back from vacation, I better get talkin' to because I want to see how much my cruddy raise will be.

I also am in high hopes which seem to diminish each day a little about that other job I just applied for, I know she got my resume and I hope and pray to God that she will be like, 'hey that Jen ***** is a nice girl with a great portofolio, I should give her a call.'

I know that's a dream world and maybe if I had a few years under my belt that's how it would be ... all I can do is wait...my life is just a big waiting room, waiting for this and that, and etc.

I downloaded a few violin songs last night, I love to listen to those. I also downloaded two songs from 'yentl' the movie and my screen name sake.

I still like that movie for some reason, though that's not why I chose that name, it was because people called me it in high school 'my little yentl' and shit.

It kind of stuck, but in the movie 'yentl' there is a song that kind of fits into my life ... it's about how the girl is noticing this guy look at this other chick he loves.

She sings about when will someone ever look at her that way ... the miracles of miracles...

That's how I feel a lot of the time, like, when is it my turn for all these things?

I am waiting for my miracles of miracles.

Though I doubt a movie about a jewish chick who dresses like a guy to study the tora involves my life in anyway.

But I kind of relate to that one song and I've always liked that particular song, though I don't like Babs as much because she's a biotch.

Hm. oh well I think to much sometimes.

Like now how my waist is smaller than my hips and how I can't wear pants that fit me because the waist is to big and the hips are to tight, my body is just angry or something.

I keep wondering if this recent bad eatings fucked me up in some way.

I wore this pair of jeans yesterday that used to be to tight and yesterday I pulled them off w/o buttoning them.

The hips fit fine on them though, so go figure.

I cannot wait until I get into a size 20 because I see subtle chances are occuring in my body, even though, it feels like it's not enough, not fast enough.

Like I tried on these spiegel weekend pants I bought in summer that didn't fit, they fit, but were to tight in the hips and the waist was to big, but it was do-able.

I also bought two old navy tees in summer and they just refuse to fit. They are xxl or maybe xl and Jesus they are tight. They are babydoll tees though so maybe that is why.

It's funny because usually tees from there fit me.

But it was annoying regardless to feel like you've lost some major tons and then you think you're ready to wear those clothes which you thought a ice storm in hell would fit...and then it doesnt!

I also have a really cute outfit from Torrid.com that I got, it's PJ's but still, the pants are capri's and are black silk and at the bottom their is a red ribbon tied around the bottom of the leg, they look a bit chinese.

These pants I can't get up over my hips/ass. they have zero stretch and I think are made for a size 20 or less though I got them in a 2x!!

I also have a matching tank top that is white and has a poodle on it that's kind of art deco.

That tank fits, but lord, nothing else does.

So these things lay in my drawers or in the closet waiting for their day to come.

And then sometimes I look at them and at myself and want to say, how much longer, have I screwed myself up, am I still losing?

I don't like that feeling like I'm not losing anymore.

Which is why I'm thinking about taking a class on Tuesdays... but I'm not sure of this yet, I probably will after my 'vacation' and when I get back just batten down and kick ass and lose weight like a mo-fo because in May I have the graduation and wedding to go to.

*Phew* I must get down for those two things, at least a size 20 would be very very nice or even a solid 22, would be equally great....

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pet ramps