Today is one of those strange days. People seem sad and cranky. I know it's Monday, but still it seems more so.

Last night we had 8 obituaries, this is strange because that's a lot of people, I complained about them, saying, 'damn, we don't need anymore deadies, or else we won't have room in the paper.'

People thought they should call me the 'grim reaper' because there always seems to be a lot obituaries when I work.

Today, a 36 year old man died, they don't know how or why, they found his car crashed into a pole, but that wouldn't have killed him.

I said, had to be heart attack.

Lately, I've known more than a few who has died of a heart attack, Vic's mom, my dad's best friend, a teacher friend of mine and my sisters whose father had a heart attack and then while she was taking her mother to see him, the mother had a heart attack and died in the car.

I remember in health class them saying that some heart attacks are so bad, when they cut open the person they find the heart has exploded.

And I think to myself of all the love poems of lovers saying their hearts are exploding with love for the person and I think to myself, well with some people, they're hearts really actually do burst open.

It's such a bad thing to see people die around you and feeling like this grim reaper is so close to me sometimes.

I always wonder about when it's my time to go and I think about life. Mom always says I'll miss her when she goes and I always say, what about when I go?

You never know.

Today at work a woman brought me in pamphlet about weight loss, she looked embarassed when I walked out and slid the pamphlet on the table and murmured that she read my column and thought this was interesting, yet wasn't trying to sell me anything.

She tried to hide the 'health matters' title on the pamphlet because a co-worker was nearby and maybe she thought that I'd be embarassed, or maybe she was embarassed because of this.

I didn't care and said, oh thanks, I'm doing a section on this right now.

The woman smiled and thanked me and walked out quickly.

I looked at the pamphlet and it is a con for vitamins.

This is the third or fourth pamphlet I've gotten to buy some weight loss drug. This one was more professional in manner, yet still the same lose weight fast trick.

So that's been my day. Tomorrow I'm going to go to work at the other paper and then take the rest of the day off.

I need to go grocery shopping and Tues is my only day that I have no classes. So, hopefully everything will pan out somehow.

My parents are coming up this weekend and then the following weekend are coming up on Thursday, till Monday. I might leave to go home Monday for my week vacation, but I don't know as of yet.

There is a section due and I don't know if I have to do it or not, I'm guessing not, it's on 'profiles' what the hell is 'profiles'?

I hope I don't have to do that because if it's profiles on businesses, lord help me. It sounds like a lot of writing to me.

I still haven't written my article on the violinists, I have to write it soon because I'm putting it in our paper and the weekly paper.

Hm.

I emailed that woman I sent my samples to, to tell her that now my designs are available on the internet (www.newspagedesigner.com I'm in the portfolio's part, under Michigan, and I'm the only Jennifer there in Manistee.) Anyway, I sent her that page because I just loaded two things she has not seen yet.

I really am hoping I will get an interview, I asked the magic 8-ball last night and it said 'No' so, that was something that made me want to hurl that little plastic ball through the window.

Other than this, I weighed this morning to find I gained 3 lbs! Damn it to all hell.

This pissed me off, but didn't surprise me thanks to my cheats that I've been doing each day.

Today I had a low-carb bagel with peanut butter and cherry jam on it.

This was another cheat...all of it, it wasn't that bad, but regardless, jam and the peanut butter had sugar in it.

So, there I start off again with this.

For lunch I'm worried, I didn't bring anything and I'm hungry for something like soup or chicken.

I really don't know what I want, definately not a salad.

I feel like I just want greasy junk food now. I just want McDonald's each day or Wendy's, but I know I wouldn't even been satisified eating that way.

Plus it's to expensive, plus I know that's not at all good for me.

Yet something in me today says, Wendy's french fries sound awfully good.

Yet something says, no go get popcorn chicken, that's not to bad. I'll end up going to KFC today because popcorn chicken does sound good, a nice change and it's not that horrid in carbs.

Though I might get a biscuit with it or ... well...we'll see.

I always get that 'well I exercise, so this cheat won't matter' attitude. Like I can pig out and just because I exercise it justifies it.

Like I said, I think my brain is trying to figure out just what is going on w/ my eatin' and cheatin' lately. I wish it would hurry up, but it's like a computer from the 90's, it's being slow and there is nothing to do but wait.

I think unconsciously I keep trying to sabatoge myself, afraid of losing weight for some reason.

Or else that just seems like a great excuse when I do cheat, I guess I think everything needs a reason.

oh well, May is coming and that means graduation and a wedding I must attend.

That means dress clothing and seeing people I haven't seen for months or even years.

This means I must keep on myself to lose weight, I should get back on Atkins entirely and just stick to it all and go to message boards and support groups and say I'm gonna do it!

Yet, I begin that way and I did that when I first started, but slowly you slip and fall and cheating seems like something normal because you get bored and the thought of salad makes you cringe, the worst thing is, no foods sound good to me, so maybe this diet has fucked me up entirely that I don't even want to eat and hate to think of what my meals will be for the week, I wish it was easy and I could just eat the same thing each day.

Something easy to cook and serve that tastes fine all the time.

Oh well, that day isn't coming at all, so I think I will stick to making meat dishes and my fake macaroni and cheese and eating strange things like 5 pieces of cheese and salami ... or funky things.

I think that is what my brain is working on, why have I been so lazy with my eating and why can't I keep on track?

I mean I must be creative and cook and be okay with this, but I guess I've been to busy to deal with eating. Especially with stress and pms.

It was funny, I thought my 'time' was here, and that my period was starting, but it didn't.

I wonder if it will skip this month? I hate when it acts up. I feel bloated though, maybe that's why I gained, the water weight...hm.

Oh geez oh well I should go to lunch, I'll give my mom a call to see what's going on.

I keep praying that one day she will call and tell me the paper from home called me for an interview, God I will be so happy when that day comes, wow weee!!!

That will be so...amazing....

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