I watched 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' with my parents last night.

Those movies always really make me feel like a loveless freak.

I mean I feel completely hopeless and much single and I know that no where in my life will there be a cut scene with me thin and then a sweeping orchestra playing some melody of how lovely and nice I am and still single, then all of the sudden Mr. Right appears and says all his lines correctly and then another cut scene later it's happily ever after.

I wish life was like that.

Tonight I worked, and I went in very early, at 1 and didn't leave till 10, I got to lock up. One of my co-workers said tonight something that struck me as ironic. He said, "do you know what most people used to say around here? They used to say Manistee's largest export is people...because people graduate and just want to get the hell out of here."

I laughed bitterly, if they only knew that I felt the same way and I didn't even grow up here.

How the world must look to this small town, how they must feel when they go to big cities or busy intersections and how they must wish to be back in plain, boring Manistee.

Oh well I think my period is coming once again. I've had a pretty bad headache all day, but I figure it might be from staring at the computer all day. I finished the special section due this week, which is a great thing to have off my mind.

I feel alright, but maybe a bit timid about what I have to do this week with the weekly paper. I'll survive, but I'd rather be over this already.

My boss is giving me a week off, I've asked for the first week in March, I cannot wait. Watch him back out, I will scream in anger, I can't even imagine how many extra hours I'll be working this week and how I won't write them down because we can't have over time. I feel no guilt in saying, yes I will take this week off because truly I have been over working lately.

I really really hope that news paper woman at home gives me a chance and interviews me for that news design job. Oh I've been trying so so so hard lately to paginate so clean and nice. I've been posting them on the news page designer website and I emailed her with the link of it so she can keep seeing my work.

I just need a chance,and somehow I feel that I won't get it because I've only a years experience, and everyone wants two years.

I don't want to think about being here another year, I don't want to have to think about when I had to work the graduation of all the local schools, I hated it so so much.

I just don't want to think about working these damn festivals and taking photos and fake interviews and I just want to say goodbye I'm going back home now.

I think if I were to get that job at that paper I think I would shut up and stay put for at least a couple of years, I can't imagine myself wanting to go anywhere else, I think I know now what I want to do with my life, paginate, news design and live at home in my region and someday maybe move to Chicago and work there.

I hope somewhere in there a family comes along and then I won't feel so alone and single all the time, or else I will become one of those women that has cats and wears cat tshirts with glitter on it and likes fake flowers and wears plastic earrings from the dollar store.

EEp. I always said, if not I will have child out of wed lock and be a single mother.

Oh well I'm talking like an ass so who knows, I'm tired, I need to head to bed asap.

I ate very bad this past weekend and tonight while I was taking a bath I kept thinking about it and my brain refused to give me answers. I keep thinking about when I first started I was so gun ho and said nothing would make me cheat, now I give myself any reason and just go for it.

Hm, I will need to think on this. I keep wondering if it really matters how much I cheat since I don't eat much anyway and work out so much. I've been thinking of taking a Tuesday exercise class, but I don't know.

Today I had a low-carb bagel with peanut butter and jam on it. Then I had chicken tenders with cauliflower ... and at work had candy valentine hearts ( I LOVE THOSE) and a plastic cup full of popcorn. That's all I've had to eat today. I mean that doesn't sound like much does it? I don't eat well anymore, I'm hungry sometimes but nothing sounds good to eat, even if I were to cheat, I wouldn't know what I'd want, like I thought eating a A+W hamburger would be the bomb, but I ate it and didn't like it all that much, I had onion rings, nope...I went to Big Boy had a waffle with strawberries/whipped cream and that wasn't that good, had a fresh burger at the bar, and that wasn't anything well.

I just am tired of food, can this be possible? I feel like I only eat to nourish myself and nothing tastes good at all to me. I wonder if I've reached to be so picky that now I desire no foods whatsoever.

I must go shopping tomorrow for groceries but I don't know what to get, as I said, nothing sounds good anymore. Ugk. I will depend on making grilled chicken and meatballs my mom made me.

I just wish I could figure out some level to stay on, lately I've been getting off target with cheats, and that isn't helping me at all. Granted I've changed my eating greatly, sometimes, I look in the mirror and want to say, what's changed?? I don't see it.

Oh well my head hurts and it's midnight and I have to work work work in the morning. Oh God when will this end, when will you give me a chance to go home again? When will I see?

�

pet ramps