Is it wrong to conduct job searches at work? I don't know, but that's what I did today.

I also surfed the net and paid for a auction on the internet.

Oh well it's just one of those days I guess.

The sun came out briefly, but the day seems so long, it's 3:15 as I write and I have my exercise class at 5, I actually cannot wait to go cause I'm bored.

I went to the courts and wrote nearly two articles on court stuff.

So much fun I can hardly contain myself.

Tomorrow, I have violin and for some reason I lost my ... confidence.

I don't understand how this happend, I think because lately everyone has been commenting me on how well I'm doing, now I have stage fright or something.

I don't know why, maybe it's because we're learning to read music and that makes me uneasy.

A night ago I practiced and I will practice again tonight. I could NOT play the A string worth shit. I mean it scratched and sounded like hell. I cleaned off the strings with rubbing alcohol. Also, my fav. bow is in for repairs so I'm playing with the cheap new one I got with my violin. So that could be it because I can't hold that bow correctly because the frog on it is to small for my thumb.

But I have troubles with having the bow sliding all over, so I've been holding my arm very taught when I play lately, it's helped a bit, but I think the mixture of trying to read the music, while making sure the bow isn't falling, not to mention me having troubles with holding the violin on my neck is what's getting me down.

I just feel nervous again, I don't know what happend, maybe I don't feel challenged anymore, maybe I should really really practice and practice ... so I can work my confidence back up.

I felt better last time I practiced because I was getting it right. But that last class, I did so badly, I felt like crying.

My teachers gave me a warm smile and I felt like saying that maybe they're compliments have screwed me up.

I wondered if they knew I felt like I was doing badly?

I don't know, but I think next class I'll tell them how I feel like I can't play all of the sudden.

I blame the note reading because that is very nerve racking because if you screw up, you can tell. The bad people are doing better than me even! NO! That upsets me much, I guess I'm like my sister in that nature, I like to be the best, better than them, because I don't have that feeling to often, and now I'm slipping.

So, okay, I will stop flipping about this ... because I know I can do it if I calm down and just try to concentrate!

Okay enough over-stressing and worrying for nothing.

I am wearing a size 22W Jones New York pair of tan pants today and they feel tight. I suppose that's good, but I don't like the feeling. I guess it's good because before I couldn't zip them up. But still I can't help but feel like how I felt when I wasn't exercising and my 24's felt like this.

I guess these are good for making me wake up and see how far I've come and how far I've to go.

I feel guilt about eating that pizza yesterday, I hoped that somehow eating four/five slices of bacon for dinner maybe helped, but now I see myself craving chocolates and greasy foods. So I know these recent cravings have knocked me down a bit.

So, oh well, I will have to get back to basics once again, I think I'm getting bored with these foods ...... I wish that I would get this motivation I had before back again. The thought of a egg or sausage ... or bleck ... bleck ... salad, I shall die.

Tonight I'm making cauliflower pancakes, which are pretty good, though they are made with 1/4 cup of flour ... they are good with sour cream and salt. Mmm but even these are beginning to sound nasty. I'm tired of all foods, I want a burger and fries, yet I don't. Those sound good, but I know they will fuck me up.

I think I'll opt and make maybe some sloppy Joes, which aren't great since bbq sauce has carbs....but still it's less than a burger.

Hm, maybe I'll save the cauliflower pancakes for tomorrows meal, or make them tonight for tomorrow's lunch.

Why is meal planning so hard? I still have my mom's meatballs in the freezer, I so adore those, they are so good, I'm having her make me more because my supply is nearly gone.

God damn they are excellent.

Oh well, I am happy that my pop addiction has been lessened with diet pepsi and diet sierra mist and SF Kool-aid.

I never thought I'd not want a real coke, it tastes so bubbly to me now and so sugary.

Oh well, I'll have to start making more meals, more variety. Something. Ooh I should make this cheeseburger casserole I saw, with cauliflower as mashed potatos and then meat and cheese, ooh that sounds good for tonight, I just hope it's not hard to make.

I really wish my low-carb breads would come in, I've been waiting for soo long for them. I ordered more of that cinammon bread, that was excellent, I also got cherry and some strawberry muffins and then some onion bagels...all no carb/low carb.

But I still havne't received them, I think I'm waiting for the cinammon bread to come in, hell I think I ordered like 3 loaves of it, I adore it!

Oh well, I read that if you are going to 'cheat' to do it low carb, so here I am.

My sis is coming up Friday and I know Satu. we're gonna cheat at Mongolian BBQ, because you get rice and tortilla shells with your meal.

This is okay since I don't eat the rice and I'll just eat the shells.

I'll get one bowl full probably and just gobble up, fill that bowl with chicken and meat and a few veggies, but mostly meat and have one or two shells. I should be alright.

I know now I must keep up with exercise, I see it as my salvation. I also like the classes a bit, it feels good even afterwards, even when I don't feel like being there, just knowing that I'm doing good for myself, that is a great feeling. Not to mention how I feel stronger sometimes, like now when we do crunches, I feel my back raises up more or when we're going push ups, I feel like I can do more....

But last time, we did lunges and my legs STILL hurt from those for some reason. The teacher said that your body one aches in that area once, which is true, so the front of my legs feel like beat up pots and pans ... I hope she doesn't do those tonight in class.

I swear I feel hate when we do the 'floor exercises' it sounds so innocent, but when we do the jumping parts, I feel like I could fall over dead.

Why does jumping do that to you? We do these little jumpy run for a bit, then we do x-ski and then it's the horse and then I'm ready to die.

Last time I stood there for a second because I was just so tired, but I always say hop to it jen, get going, and then I make myself do it and finish. I mean I don't know if that's bad, but I always push myself a lot, I just do not want to look lazy or like I won't try.

I even tryed to do this jump over the step last time, and have tried more arm movements.

Oh well, ugk I feel sick still, my head hurts really bad, this woman in the office has the same thing, she said it's the pressure of the weather ... I told everyone I still am having these bad headaches, so maybe they will back off.

Ow...it's funny because it comes in waves, my eyes feel like they are going to explode, my ears feel like they are shutting, I feel hot...my head feels like it's going to explode.

Ow.

I think I'll take some aspirin because I know in my step class that will not help to hear that booming music.

Ok, hm. I should clean up the house a bit more tonight, put more things away.

I hate to think of sleeping with my sis. I always lie there awake. Her boyfriend is coming up too, he's going to sleep in my poor bed, *sigh* and I just washed those sheets. I hate to think of people sleeping on my pillows that I don't know well...yuck. And my comforter...his hands and body on it..ew. Damn.

Okay it's 3:41 so I have like a half hour to kill. I think I might just go early and shoot the breeze or something.

I just had the notion that I miss my fake nails, *sigh* they used to be so nice and pretty ... now I have stubbs. oh me oh myyyy....

Ugk, valentines day is next friday, another shit year, another year single and another loathing time....grumble....

I'm going to go take my aspirin....

�

pet ramps