My back hurts badly today, I think it's from shopping all day, shoveling and then pulling our Christmas tree out back.

It was a bit of a full day for me. We went shopping at the mall and I bought ornaments and then went to Lane Bryant and got 5 pair undies for $25 and a bra $10 and hoochie shirt $14. Then we went to another store close by and I bought more ornaments, and then we went and had lunch, a fattening lunch.

SO we get home, I pick up my car from an oil change, I come home and there's snow piled up, so I shovel this all out, and it's heavy wet yuck snow that is a million pounds. I breath deeply and my lungs feel as if they are frost bit inside and feel a bit scratchy, so I go inside, and begin taking down the tree, I finish this by carefully wrapping all the ornaments that I just bought and also the older ornaments on the tree.

I put them in this new container, and take everything Christmas in the house and put it all away into bags and boxes. SO there's 3 bags, and two huge plastic containers with ornaments, I carry them all to the basement door and then begin cleaning and throwing out Christmas cards, candies, and anything like that.

Did I mention for Christmas my parents bought me a tower of Fannie May chocolates and a Sam's Club size pistachios? Then my sister has a million boxes of candy from her kids?

SO, I take one of the boxes of my candy, put it in the freezer (outta sight, outta mind), and combine the others, or toss them out. I am still thinking of tossing or hiding the rest of the candy. Okay, anyway.

My friend brings Subway for dinner (I have a veggie foot long with that herb/cheese bread, vinegar and green pepper - a medium Sierra Mist (ew) and a bag of chips that I didn't eat.)

We both haul out the tree, which still smells wonderful and is very very very fresh since we cut it down this year, I feel bad for it, it's needles smell like citrus and the needles have that sheen to them, as if the tree was still alive. I feel a bit bad for it, though as I'm under the tree unscrewing it from the stand, my friend spills water all over the carpet and onto the antique carpets and onto me. So I'm under the tree covered in needles and water, my friend loses his balance and puts the stump of the tree on my back, I start screaming, "the trees on my back, get it off me!" So we both start laughing, and the tree plunges deeply into my back again, so I scream laugh ... more needles fall, water is all over ....

Finally the tree is out, and I broom the needles off the carpet and clean up the water, and sweep the wood floor and clean up more water and dirt...everyone puts everything back, we sweep again...and wa-la, home sweet home.

So my sister just left for work and I'm kind of bored, though I should go take a bath and think about Atkins because I feel like I've gained so much weight.

Today's KICKER, I mean I wanted to DIE, today when I heard this from my mom: "I thought I gained all my weight back from not doing atkins, but I only gained back 5 lbs. So I weigh 278."

I wanted to die.

I didn't say anything, and I wanted to just DIE.

WHY?

Because I weigh more than my mom! Though when you see me in person next to my mom, you'd never know, but I weigh 282! I wanted to throw up on myself and I've never felt to fat before. I mean I'm now, the biggest person in the family. I know this sounds bad, but it's like, I never wanted to be the one that weighs the most. I know she's like 5'5 and I'm like 5'9, so it's more even on me, and most people say I weigh 250, but regardless, I seriously wanted to cry out....

So Atkins it is, I've been eating so terrible this past week, getting all this shit out of my system. Tomorrow is my last eating day before I begin Atkins. I know I am going to have SERIOUS withdrawal symptoms. I mean from all the candy and pop I've been drinking.

I am majorly addicted. I'm worried how I will be on Atkins. I know I can do this, I mean seeing as now I'm just climbing the scales, I have to do something.

So, I just ordered some samples of protein shakes, I mean, I never have time in the morning and I think a shake would be easy for me to just whip up. Or else I think I will boil eggs and eat them each morning since it's quick and easy. I mean pop a whole egg in your mouth and there you go. Granted it might not taste all that great, especially the yoke (ew) but hell it's protein and it adheres to Atkin's rules, that's all that matters. I'm to nuts in the morning to care.

So anyway, I'm also trying to order the Firm Fanny pack, it's a step system, with three videos, I'm bidding on ebay for it, it's like $75-80 dollars, which includes shipping.

We'll have to see though, I also hauled up my Elliptical Trainer, I figured if I don't start using it, I could always sell it at a yard sale to go towards a new treadmill. My treadmill is getting long in the tooth, I believe it has to be at least 5 or more years old. It's VERY heavy too. I kind of want to buy a lighter weight one since I know whenever I move, I don't think I want to have to haul my 5 billion pound oldie one around.

Oh well, I am still shocked on weighing more than my mom. I need my diary at home to write in, yipes, I really miss that paper bound diary of mine, it just feels so great to write in that and know only my eyes will see it, nothing person to whoever might be reading this one....

Oh well, I think I will begin to wean myself tomorrow from all these bad foods. All I really want is my lovely pop. Fuck candy, I'm very tired of candy and fast food. I mean I think I'm ready this time, though like I said, pop will be hard, but I think I'll stop and buy some diet rite, that stuff is pretty good and hell it's better than water.

I will say this time around I think I know more about the system. I didn't think there was limits before, I mean on cheese and meat and salad. My mom always told me to eat what I wanted in cheese and meats, but in the book, you cannot. Like I thought you could have as many veggies as you wanted, but it said, for instance, cauliflower is only a cup per serving! I was like having three cups ... with more cheese on it than a friggin deep dish pizza! You're only supposed to have like 5 oz of cheese, which, I believe is like domino sized?

I mean I read the book (I bought a new one for ME) and I was amazed at these new revelations! Yazoo! I need to write out these guidelines or print them out, or something.... The other day I printed out a few recipes I want to try. I think I might really begin to cook and really stick to message boards for help. I found a great one on 3 Fat Chicks site. So who knows.

I just feel scared about this whole thing, yet excited because I know how fast I was losing before! I mean before I wasn't even really following the guidelines, I was having breaded chicken and pop, and still I lost.

So this time around, I'd like to really try to stick to the book. It's funny how many people are on this diet, I hear all the time about folks on it, and how they've lost, 30, 80 lbs, 100 lbs, I know so many people who adore the diet.

So, I'll be another person that someone will say one day, "yeah I know my friend was on Atkin's too, her name was Jenny and damn, she lost like, 100 pounds, you should see the change in her, .... damn ....." then they will trail off.....

Why am I so nervous and scared? I think I put to much into it, so it scares me that I have to start this new way of life, I think a part of me wants to hold onto old Jenny, as if her fat will cloak her from all her fears somehow. And maybe this old Jenny wants to do this, but is to scared and gives up easily only to spiral into a self loathing state of mind and then climb up that weight loss rope again, only to cut that very rope with some ungodly stupid fear that is probably nothing more than she can't handle on her own. So I will say, it will have to be one day at a time, one rung at a time, if I fall down, I will begin that climb up again. I guess I can see that all is not lost, even if I fuck up, there's always that rope in front of your eyes and it's your choice to either get going on your journey, or to book a room in despair hotel.

I'm not sure if my own pep talk has helped me, I'm mostly scared/afraid of my weak times when I tell myself, "oh I don't care, this won't kill me, I can get back on." My endless excuses, or giving up, I just want to ban myself from thinking these thoughts. Like I said before, I will do this for a month, and then set another weigh wise goal after that month is up. New challenges that I think will keep me motivated and keep me climbing to new heights. I think I just need to hold on tight and maybe whenever I feel the need to cheat come up with something to remind myself of what I'm doing, maybe call my mom, or have a photo, or maybe think of how much I weigh compared to Mom, that very well could do it.

OH WELL! I've applied for three jobs that I remotely might have a good chance at. I figure they might wait until after the holidays to call, or they might not call at all. I nearly have a years experience and two of the three are entry-level positions. I just wish someone would call for an interview, I think that would be lovely thing right now. What an excellent Christmas present.

But alas, my mind is wandering back to my weight loss and how I plan to begin exercising, I will have to see how things go. I sometimes so hate Michigan and where I'm living that I just want to collapse on the floor and just die. It's so endless and boring and each day runs into the next, my time off isn't really time off, my vacation, isn't a vacation. My boss called me today at home, and it was like, why are you calling me on vacation? It was strange to reawaken from this dream world of living back home in Indiana. I kind of felt a tinge of despair enter my heart at the thought of having to go back there again, begin these endless days of work for pay that isn't even equal as to all the things I do there. Store clerks make more than me.

It's truly said, which is why a new job sounds like fresh pineapple....just plain good and sweet.

Oh fucking well, what's new, I don't think the things I want the most in my life, what's new....

I think I'm getting sick, my throat has felt achy all day, my ears hurt, my head hurts and my back feels like there is a huge knot in the back.

I have a violin lesson on Monday and then one on Thursday. I was happy when my parents bought me a tuner for it, I so can't tune my violin worth shit. So now it's tuned lovely, and I should practice some.

I will...later probably.

But I will say this as a testament as to how I'm feeling in my life at this point and time: I feel as if I'm left behind, the late bloomer. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck with my feet buried in the ground. My sister is buying a house, thinking of marriage, going on vacation with her beau. My friend is building a house, and getting all of that ready is so so glorious, he is set for life with his job and place in this world. My parents are retiring and getting ready to move to Michigan come may/June, they are planning a vacation.

And then there is me who is unhappy in her job, hasn't a boyfriend for more years than she can count on her fingers, toes and ears, and is thinking her weight holds her back when that's not really it at all.

That's my testament at this time, I feel so alone. Especially when my sis is going to Disney w/her man; my parents are going to Disney together and I'm there asking, who can I go with?

My family just looks at me, as if to say, 'why haven't you moved around in your life enough to find someone to go with?'

That's how I feel, then I get the pity invitation, "come with us" my sister purrs, but I'm not in her plans, she doesn't want me to come, nor do my parents, as if I'm the screw up, the kid they are stuck with, the one they must care for, forever.

That is truly how I feel, I could cry.

I'm definitely not set in my life or career. I don't have a savings account, I can barely afford to pay my car bills, if I had to live alone in an apartment, I wouldn't make it. I'm the screw up.

Then I blame my lot in life on my weight? As if my life is going this bad because of weight? As if I don't date because of weight?

I think that is the man problem with my weight, it's my cloak. I just don't want to date. I think I'm scared to for some reason. I think it's mainly because of what my mom used to tell me and my sister as kids. I have the thinking that men are just evil, they want to use you, fuck you over, trap you, and sex ... well sex and kissing are a sin and evil.

Like the other day, when that guy nearly stumbled over me at the restaurant, I felt so scared and embarrassed.

I didn't like that at all.

I think that is what worries me. What if I lose and then this begins to happen and I begin to date. I don't know this area, of course I wear enough makeup and dress the part of the femme fatale, I flirt and tease, but then when it comes down to "wanna go out" I say No no not that.

I think if I had to pin point that root of weigh evil, it's that along with the fact of thinking ... what if I do lose and then all the things I've blamed on my weight isn't true at all? What if I lose and realize, hey it wasn't because I was fat that I didn't date, it was that person inside. Or hey I didn't get that job because I was fat ... but because I didn't have enough experience. Or maybe, hey looky me, I lost weight and am still single and alone. I thought I was supposed to be married by now.

Ug. I have relationship issues. I need to swallow these ugly thoughts, undo what my mom taught me as a child, I will not be afraid of men who are interested in me.

So, I think if I continue to be real with myself, and just say what I'm feeling and talk out these feelings, I think this will aid in my weight loss. I think I just need to come out and say these things in stead of hiding them deep inside and keeping it hiding from everyone, including myself. I just need to stop hiding and just come out and be myself and say, fuck it, this is life and I need to start living it inside of living in excuses and blame and thinking that I'm no good because I'm fat...or thinking that I'm ugly to everyone. Because that's how I feel, no good, not worth it, Jen. I've got to stop these feelings.

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pet ramps