I'm getting ready to leave for Michigan, again I really dont' want to, but have to since I work all day Sunday.

So I woke up with a tummy ache, and as always, had/have to use the potty every 5 minutes.

I stayed up till 2 a.m. last night, pooks came over ( I hadn't seen him in nearly a YEAR) and we played cards with my sister and her beau. It was pretty fun, pooks like emanicipated. I don't know if he's losing weight because he wants to, or if it's drugs? I know he smokes more ... both cigs and pot and then he has rolled up dollar bills/straws...um coke? I don't know if he would do that type of stuff, but he does like to abuse those types of things. I mean when I was sitting in his car, I kept wondering what if we got pulled over....

So that was a bit disturbing.

We also watched the Royal Tennebaums, we did a spa/hand wax treatment, I played the violin for him, he tried to play the cello, we drove out to the new Krispi Kreme, went to Starbucks, it was a long night.

So, here I am, and it's nearly 9 a.m. and I should be on the road right now. I'm just feeling down that I have to leave, and I keep thinking of all the resumes I've turned in lately. This morning, my bed was so soft and I felt so safe.

I never feel like this in Michigan, I always feel scared there, my bed in Michigan is never like the one here. So I layed there this morning and the house is so quiet, and I think of Michigan and that house is so loud because I'm listening to all the cracks and creaks and listening for whatever is in the vent moving around and yelling.

So of course, I miss home bitterly. I miss these times I have with my friends. I've love to move back to Indiana, move out of my house here and into a apartment. Yet my dreams seem to be missing somewhere and my resume must surely be lacking since the phone has be quiet for a very very long long time. I do know now that I think I want to be a paginator more than a reporter. I like reporting, but I swear in Michigan, I suck. I write well, but for digging up stories, I suck ass. I do the courts well, I know how to work that beat, but the others, my boss has shown me, is something that I lack in. I guess I'm not a true reporter because every time I begin to dig for something, it just doesn't pan out, or maybe I don't ask the right questions when I'm looking for things, or maybe not noticing them.

I know I do far better in creative writing, when I write my weekly column, I hear how great they are, and people look to read them, so I think maybe I'm just a very different type of reporter, but I don't know what. I know I'd never get a job as a columnist, it seems to far a reach for someone who's young and unexperienced in life.

So now I just sit and wait. I remember when I first started in Michigan, I was so sure I'd be living at home by Christmas. But these little deadlines keep blowing by and I'm left feeling down that I can't find another job, and stuck that I could possibly be stuck in Michigan for more than I've anticipated, which is a very very long anticipation that keeps getting run over.

Oh well, I'd LOVE to be out of here by March, even April. I keep wondering what's in my resume that turns them off. I think my lack of experience is what does it, though I have nearly a year coming up, folks want 2 years now, so maybe when February comes and then March I can say, I have a year and a months experience.

Maybe the year thing will prove something to the employers. But still I worry about working in Chicago, or getting that other job in Florida. I mean talk about a change of scene, I'd have to move, and then what. Hate that job too?

I sometimes sit back and think of my life from last year. Last year at this very time, I was graduated, I was living at home, right now, I was in Florida with my family.

I was excited because on Dec. 31 me and my sis drove from Tampa to Orlando to go to Dizney for their New Years party. I remembered feeling as if I could get any job I wanted. I said alll my life that I would die if I ever lived in Michigan since I always hated going there since I was young.

And now, I look at me today. I see someone who in the past couple of months turned a bit bitter, or cynical, I'm more of a say what you're thinking girl, I think I'm not afraid of people anymore, which is a good thing. I also see a girl who is/was very disillusioned. I guess I still am. So I wonder if everyone waits for me to realize this.

I also started Atkins today. I made 4 hard boiled eggs last night and just ate two of them now. I don't mind the white part, but hell that yellow part is so chalky, I nearly choke on it. I think maybe I'll have to resort to not stuffing the whole egg in my mouth and being a lady and eating half of it first. But I think they're handy when I'm out on the run or for breakfast.

I know I'll have withdrawal tonight from my addictions with pop and candy. I keep thinking, these next few days will be a real treat. I'm going to by some diet rite when I get up to Michigan, that stuff at least tastes remotely like pop.

Oh well, I'm happy to be on this diet, I won't complain to loudly since I know how much weight I will drop these first two weeks. This diet has a way of saying, look, you can lose, but it's up to you to just say no to to many carbs, is that piece of bread worth it? no.

And when you finally begin to eat carbs, you think, what was I missing? I still think bread will never taste the same to me. I eat it now, and it's like, why?

Oh well I better be off, I've been typing for about 20 minutes now and my stomach is saying I need to go again. I'll be off and running again in my fake little fake happy life where I'm content with my job, but I wonder if people know the devil inside that is waiting and watching for her way out, do they see that discontent at work? I think my boss does sometimes.

So anyway, when I get to Mich. I will write in my journal tonight about Atkins, and then sulk that I'm there and still there for nearly a year.

�

pet ramps