God damn. I really shouldn't come home to Indiana because when I'm home, I never want to go back to Michigan. So I become very very bitter about going back and when I'm back, I get very cranky and then I go home to a COLD lonely house and go to bed in my cold lonely house and then get some freakish notion that someone's trying to murder me, so then I absolutely loathe Michigan. It's so bad sometimes that I feel like my thoughts have turned into some hot acid that kills.

Oh well, my mom pissed me off. She wants me to come home tomorrow and I'm thinking why not just go Sunday. Fuck it, I need this time off instead of zooming home to be with my parents. Though I was going to go tomorrow, I'd rather spend it with my sister and friends because I don't have this time all that often. I kind of need it because in Michigan I'm 100 and 10 percent on my own, do everything by myself. I don't make friends easily, I won't lie. It takes a certain few that I seem to like, I know that's probably wrong or my own doom that I am to be alone, but that's just how I am.

I like the few close friends I've got.

Oh well I just blocked and deleted Pooks from my buddy list cause he never calls or speaks to me anymore. Fuck that.

I'm tired of that shit, I come home and he just ignores me, he's just fucking that new boyfriend of his I bet. Well off to it, but don't call me when you want to go out anymore.

I need to get my games back from him, ug, he has TWO of them! Damn me.

Hm, oh well, I'm extremely cranky today because I got up like at 6 A.M. to go shopping. It was dark out still! YUCK. I got up and felt like I was a zombie I was so tired all day. I'm definately not a morning person. No no nope. Definately not.

So I've been just a monster nearly all day, I did buy quite a few things for myself and for the parents. I bought clothes at Lane Bryant, which, is into whore wear now with half their clothes, well hell any clothing store for that matter, is having way to sexy clothing even for my tastes. Sorry, I cannot imagine myself wearing a sheer top to work with velvet pants and jacket. What the hell is this Sex in the City? Especially on fat chicks, sorry if you're a size 28, you shouldn't be wearing half the things at Lane Bryant, I'm a fucking 22/24 and I won't even wear them. My snatch sister got a size 20 in jeans and acted like the fucking King of the Hill and I wanted to just slap her face and tell her to fuck off. I hate when she does that, like she's some prom queen.

Man.

See what waking up early does to me?

I get nuts, I hate being cranky like this. I did, however, buy some art supplies and am off to creating masterpieces to sell or keep, or give to people. Hooray. I can't wait to begin, I've been thinking of what to paint and I need to free myself to create because I always think of what others will say when they see them and I should worry as to what I will say and feel when they are finished.

I also was reading in my friends textbook for his massage class...it was a book on like mind/body/soul shit. One was about being shy and it said people often are stand offish because they don't want to deal with rejection and often times don't let folks get to know them because they're afraid of this type of reject.

I read this and was like...hm...is that what I do?

I sometimes wonder, and then I think, fuck this I'm to damn busy to think on this right now.

I just fished out my tortillini's from the stove, I adore these carbo laden treats, I put a pat of butter and a dash of salt on them and eat them like they're chocolate. I know I must get back on my diet, I'm not sure why I can't stick with it, it really makes me mad that I can't just get it over with and just do it. I've got all the resources, except I guess constant motiviation. I say this as I eat one of the multi-colored tortillini's. OH Jesus Jen, just fucking do it already or shut the hell up.

These don't taste all that great either, I hate those supposedly gourmet food items, they always taste so strange, these taste doughy and have little taste at all.

So anyway I bought these wonderful jeans at Lane Bryant, two professional tops, a white quarter sleeve, hip sweater and a 70 percent off bra. It's easy to shop for bras at Lane since not all fat girls such as moi have b cup boobies. I wear a 40 or 42 depending on what's there on sale. I could do a 38, but I enjoy the extra room. I'm sure I wear the wrong size somehow. I always wondered if my boobs weren't a size C for the longest time since I could wear my sister's bra. Plus I think they've grown or my abs shrunk because my sister asked if I was wearing fake boobs the other day.

Just like at Thanksgiving, everyone kept slapping my ass. I mean what's up with that? My sister, Mom, even dad! Um child abuse, incest! I was like, what's the fasination with my butt today? Then my friends father kept looking at me weriod. I feel like I'm a alien in this world sometimes.

Oh well, I'm extremely fed up with my job right now, I swear I'm ready to burst I want out so bad, the itch to get out was laying off before, but now it's returning and I dont think that December is helping all that much since I swore I'd be out of there by then. Now it's nearing and I feel a kind of panic or rush to get out of there! I just wish I could get a job back at my old place of employment, that would be WONDERFUL. MY DREAM come true right now. I'm sending in my resume for news design once I return home. I know they ask for two years experience, but hell I will try anyhow. I mean, I always think, just how many news designers are out there? It's a odd, rare job to me. Plus even if I've barely a year under my belt, all the work I do in news design is probably equal to two years since I happen to do it all.

I'm having troubles writing the cover letter for some reason, just starting it is what's hard. It just feels hopeless anymore and it's like, when is it my turn? Even a interview would be something for me. I just keep waiting and waiting and becoming more bitter.

I mean it says two years experience in all the job ad's and it's like fuck why so god damn long!?

Ug, I somehow don't think that my disney resume will do anything at all, since it just seems like everyone avoids my resume like it's diseased.

*SIGH* NO ONE IN COLLEGE TOLD ME LIFE COULD BE LIKE THIS POST GRADUATION.

They all said, "Jen it'll be So easy for you, you'll walk into jobs."

My ass, with commments like that, no wonder I'm so jaded.

Oh well, mom called and said they're expecting a FOOT of snow in Michigan tonight through Sunday. How lovely. Great! Grand! I seriously think I should move more south.

O' God please get me out of Michigan and back into the job I had before this!!! Oh, and a little weight loss help would be appreciated as well.

I wonder if I should A. walk in the AM or B. lift weights. Or both...hm. I just told my mom what to buy at the store, my eating habits in Michigan are pretty bad, I eat the same things all the time. Cauliflower with cheese, or Cauliflower with cheeses soup, or chicken, or ... well a peanut butter sandwich, or now my new food group is cereal and milk. I know I should do atkins again, but it's just to hard to ban bread and stuff. I'd rather just eat whatever I want because truthfully, I don't eat all that much anymore. I mean my meals are straight forward, chicken with veggies. Soup. cereal. Noodles. etc.

I mean there is NO snacking inbetween meals because I'm working. I have like three cups of tea at work, and have maybe a handful of popcorn, so I think my eating isn't all that bad. I think what gets me is that I sit on my ass all day at work, and don't exercise regularly like I should.

So Hm, possibly I should wake up early, walk for even 30 minutes, shower, go to work. Come home and do weights.

Something like that could really do the trick. I just expect to see results fast and early, I know that isn't right, but that's what I think in my head.

I say this as a kit kat bar is sitting on my night stand and a can of coke is calling me.

Oh well, I should enjoy my second to last night here before the crazy news life begins all over again. My vacation is coming up, I'm so so excited, it begins Dec. 19 and goes through that first Sunday after X-mas, then back to the drudgery. Then what have I got to look foward to? I have to work New Years. How nice huh. I'm very tired of my job though, no satisfaction there, I'm itching, itching, itching and scratching to get out again like that bat in the vent who bitched and moaned, scratched and screeched for a week straight until it either found it's way out or died.

I just hope I find my way out.

�

pet ramps