I saw Harry Potter Part 2, it was pretty good, I really like the idea of the whole story, my sister really wants me to read the books, but it's kind of like the Anne Rice books, it's hopeless to even try to begin them because you're so far behind it'd take forever to get to the final book.

Oh well, why can't I write like that. Have a best selling book and the masses just waiting for every word that flows from my finger tips to my keyboard and from the keyboard into the presses and then into their hands.

Oh well oh well I always say that to much.

Anywhoo, I gotta lose weight again, Ma said Oprah lost with lifting weights. Which is a good idea. I like Oprah's weight loss gimmicks ... I mean she'll lose and it makes national headlines, then gain and makes international headlines. So I'm always open for new gimmicks to lose weight.

Ooh I wore my "hair piece" today, one of those clips that has that fake hair on it, I mean that's why I dyed my hair red. I look very trendy lol. But I worry that I look semi - slutty or female drag queenish. Ew. I would never wear this to work, I can imagine the whispers, lord.

I kept thinking today about going home and being alone again. When I'm home here in Indy, I feel so happy and alive, then I got to Michigan and I feel so dark and alone, but I feel like, I can do anything I want. I feel independent. I feel like I can drop a plate of spaghetti on the floor and not get yelled at.

That's why I applied at Disney. That's why I keep applying, applying, applying. I swear I've used a whole 1000 sheet pack of paper ... maybe a whole tree just in sending out resumes.

I'm destorying forests in lew of trying to get out of Michigan. I wonder if I'll be happy when I'm out? I had a fantasy that I'd move to Chicago, take the EL and meet this wonderful rich guy and begin a fantastic relationship, get married and happy ever after.

In my fantasy I'm thin and dressed fine, I'm not giggly and stupid, I'm witty and remarkable.

These fantasy's are just that ... fantasy's ... which sucks because you wish it was real and know nothing can ever be as great as you make it to be.

Oh well I wish I wasn't such a thinker, and just take things at face value. I just always see all the sides, up, down I see it all many times through.

I almost began crying tonight, I had to stop my sister from talking. We were talking about how our best friend mom died. She began telling me the day she died, what happend ... I had to stop her because I started crying softly, it makes me so so so sad, I think of the father, my friend, the families, it truly effects me as if it were my own family member. So we started talking about it and she began getting upset. I was happy with myself because I talked my Mom into inviting the father to our thanksgiving dinner. The friend was already coming and I said we must invite the father because he'd just be at home all alone and that's not right.

My mom said that she feels uncomfortable with him, I do too, but for my own peace of mind, I'd rather be uncomfortable than think of him all alone on Thanksgiving. Just when his wife, the mother, hasn't been dead in yet a year. So I begged her to invite him and she did. He wasn't going to come and at the last minute said he would come. I was happy. He always said he would committ suicide if his wife died, and I believe, I feel, that he will do this, or die of a broken heart.

For some reason, I have these feelings about people, and I know things for certain sometimes.

Which is why sometimes I wonder if I'm somewhat psychic, or maybe just more keen on how people are, or just a good guesser. My dad and grandma always said my great grandmother, the blind one, was one of those psychics who would write ... you know what the spirits tell her to say, I guess she did this quite a bit and wrote perfectly, being blind and all, I wonder about this.

But I don't believe most of the whole supernatural phenomenia.

I don't know, I've always felt about myself that I'll die young, I don't know why, but I always tell my mom this, because I feel it deeply. I feel like I'll never be married nor have kids, I just feel like I'll have a somewhat short life. Everything I do is always left undone, so why not my life. I just hope this feeling is wrong.

All I know anymore, is I get some intense feeling that something bad is coming. I felt is so strong before I was sitting there and knew something very very bad was coming and I'm feeling it again, I feel it in my chest, in my head ... ug. It takes my breath away. Probably just my over active imagination.

Oh well, my dog is staring at me from the fence, he looks pissed off. I looked at him and he growled. LOL. My mom used to say, if you stare at a dog it'll make it go mad. But when I stare at my dog, he looks plainly back at me unblinking with a shitty gaze as if he's saying "fuck off bitch" and then lets out a little growl. So I let out a little growl and his ears go back.

Humans are so savage.

Oh well, I'll leave with a disturbing view I saw yesterday. I was driving home in heavy snow and I was passing this huge truck, it was a filled with cows. I could see through the ltitle metal windows patches of white and black, a cows nose, a hoof, an ear, a tail. All of them were packed in so tight and in this cold, wet snow, in night time, going 70 mph with this heavy wet snow pelting these poor cows as I pass this truck spitting up rock salt and water on these poor cows.

It was so surreal, so sad, and I realized, why can't I think of this as I eat a hamburger, why can't I think of this when I'm on Atkins diet, I drink their milk, I eat their body parts, their muscles that when cooked right, tastes wonderful, I look at them and feel sorry for them, and yet I'm like Hannibal the Cannibal, I look at the McDonald's Quarter Pounder with cheese empty wrapper lying on the floor board.

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pet ramps