Man I haven't updated in a bit.

Well.

I dyed my hair stawberry blonde, but it's more red than anything. I mean RED. Like take your towel off your head, look in the mirror and scream, red.

Oh well, I needed a change from my streaked blonde hair that I miss.

I miss being a blonde, really, I know that sounds strange...but I think my next hair dye will be a light light blonde, I adore that. I think I secretly want to have that Anna Nicole Smith look, I already use this dark blue cream eye shadow... lord.

Oh well, I feel better anymore, I mean I love my job now, I love paginating and know I have something to do each day and have that feeling that there isn't enough hours in the day, days go by so fast when I work anymore.

But I don't want to stay here, so I figure I will aim more at news design jobs or spec. sec. jobs, or maybe some type of reporter. I mean I love writing, but I'm always lost for stories. I don't know if it's this area, but fuck, before I was so scared since I didn't have anything much to write on and pray that someone die in a car crash or a case will be tried.

I know, it's morbid, but...that's how it was for so long.

Today I had to measure a dead deer...we have this contest since it's hunting season, so anyway, I wore this beautiful outfit today that I just bought, it was a italian wool long cartigan in dark brown, under it was a camel turtle neck with camel colored pants, the outfit entirely cost me about $300. I looked like a business woman and with my strawberry hair, I looked alive and felt beautiful today. Everyone really was like ....wow you look great Jen. SO I get into work and have to measure a dead deer! In my $300 outfit, I put on my $200 coat and there I am at $500 with a ruler and a man and his wife both in dirty bloodied clothing from hunting, and he pops open his back trailer and there in a box is a deer HEAD.

It's black eyes stare at nothing and it's mouth is all ruffled, in one part, you can see the gums and teeth, the man points proudly at the antler and shows where he blasted off one of the points. I just stare at it and feel light headed, and then smell the blood. Ew I say, I tell them, I can't measure this, I'm sorry ... it's to gross ... I'm a city girl.

The man grabs the ruler and I watch him measure it and then he picks up the head and I take a photo and I feel faint, really.

I felt like I would faint or throw up, or both. Now when I think of it, I feel nauseous. I mean I should stop thinking about it as I feel my dinner in my throat.

Oh well, wow, so anyway my boss tells me that for my vacation he will not use my vacation days so that next year I can have 2 weeks off. I thanked him and now have overtime paid to me, so that's good, I have to much to do this week, I hate deadlines. I called down to see when these things I'm paginating is due and said, I need exact TIMES, the girl was nice and today for some reason everyone said, God you're nice to work with, my boss told me everyone loves to work with me. I think this is because they tell me once and I do the job and I'm a push over. But my boss is right, I try to please everyone ... and he wonders if I ever try to please myself in any way.

I'm just happy it's cold now, it's snowing right now, and I"m happy those fucking bats will not bother me until ... wow March? April? It's cold here for a long long time, when I came last year it snowed up until the end of March and into April.

I fucking hate Michigan.

I really do. I can't wait to leave here and I feel like I"m biddin my time until I can apply and be a girl to reckon with.

I'm applying at the old paper again for news design. I keep waiting because what they want is a features designer, so that means a lot of thought ... so I'm waiting till I finish my xmas sections ... I have some pretty nice designs in there, I guess good for a beginner, but I don't have all the things I need that could make the designs better ... like clip art, fonts ... image composers.

I have none of these, so it makes it harder for me. Oh well.I cannot wait to send in this xmas section. I think I will print out some of the pages and just send those, I emailed the woman who's taking resumes and that snatch never emailed me back. What the FUCK is it with people not emailing people back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's a major pet peeve of mine!

Oh welllllll I ran into my violin teacher at and she was like, I just wanted to tell you that you're going to be good playing. I can tell with first year students, and I could tell by your hands.

I was like wow.

That's news to me, I mean it's something that I thought that maybe I was good because everyone said I was doing very well for someone with no lessons. But to have it said to you, it's like wow. I thanked her and said her and her husband are great teachers.

I swear, sometimes I feel to nice, like fuck, I'm all happy happy giddy Jen to everyone and it's like, damn am I to nice?

Like this one day this girl is like, Jen you don't look your happy excited self.

I sat there like, do I look happy and excited? I kept thinking about when I worked at Disney the other day, I swear I was the only nice one there, I mean to the public people anymore are assholes.

Hm, I don't know. I have to begin working out more, I did pretty good last week, today I came home and made myself dinner, I don't eat out anymore, or try not to because it's to expensive! Plus I'm tired of hamburgers. I mean there is only so many times you can eat a Wendy's. In the end they all taste the same, the fries begin to taste to salty and to greasy.

I can't wait till Thanksgiving, for a break, I'm going to try to go home Tuesday, my boss said I will probably work Wed. though no one works that day, and I thought, well I don't have to work that day since I do one paginating job on Tuesday, and the other one, is being taken over by a co-worker and I figure if I do all the hard parts, maybe he can send it down with the ads when they come in, it's not that hard...but he is a dumbass. Other than that, there is nothing. Not to mention I've worked TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT.

I can't believe that, last week I worked 47 hours.

Anyway, back to weight loss, my parents said that I lost weight in my face again, I said, no mom I gained weight, my parents said, maybe it's just muscle?

Um no....I laughed. But anyway, I think my cut back on eating is what keeps me from getting big, I mean I think I need to work out in the mornings. But I keep telling myself, not this week, to busy, I'm to tired, maybe later.

I think I'll put my weights by the computer and lift while watching TV or something.

I just feel like I will get on track when I move. When I go home I'll join a gym with a class or I will do this or that. I mean I know this is just wishful thinking but somehow it sooths me and leaves me content that "someday" I will finally do it. Then I realize, someday is not going to get here or may never come if I don't begin it.

I mean i know I always start and stop programs, but I swear as I get older, I see this leanness in me. I don't know if I lost my baby fat because I've noticed my face is slimmer.

Oh welllll, I always think about exercising, like the 3 days a week, 4 days a week and I wonder if I'll do this the rest of my life, or can I do this the rest of my life?

I kind of want to start jogging, that's my dream, to be a runner of some sort, I think I could begin this if I worked out in the mornings since I can only work out about 30 minutes, I think a running routine might be something to give a try to. Wow, I can't imagine this, running...me?

I figured Monday, Wednesdays is good, Fridays I have off.

Oh well, next week is thanksgiving, I get to go home, and maybe I will being that following week since I have my xmas dress that does fit, but a bit to SNUG in the gut. Fuck! I'll wear a girdle with it, no doubt, but still, I keep wondering if I can sit down in it, lord I don't want pumpkin belly sticking out.

My mom said I look like a size 20, and look tinier than I think I look, but I sure don't feel that way, and it makes me laugh to hear pooks ask if I shopped at Old Navy, I just laugh to myself, and want to say, have you ever seen anyone of my size in that store?

Nope ... I'd have to drop ..about 3 to 4 sizes just to walk into the door and then I'd feel weriod I bet.

But still I think my goal for life is to get into a size 20.

Get below 250. Yep, that would be great too, maybe I should get my stomach stapled. lol

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